Modern Canadian Water Torture

Remember that appointment that I had at the inaccessible office? Well, I finally had it and my doctor booked further tests to give me the complete work-up to start off his files on me. So today, I went off for an ultrasound (after checking to make sure the clinic I was going to was indeed accessible). He wanted all the internal organs checked, beginning with the bladder. Preparation? No food after I went to bed from the night before. 1 hour before the test, 32 ounces of water. Then an hour of probing on my bladder and stomache. Can you say torture? It was one of the more unbearable situations I have been through, and I've had a few nasty ones. It seemed the technician found every tender spot on my belly and pressed harder. Finally, I was allowed to get up and pee, but then had to come back as they wanted pictures of my bladder full and empty. Major relief, yes, but as you can imagine, with 32 ounces of water, it didn't take long before I needed to pee a 2nd time. And a 3rd on the way home. And... you get the picture. Oy. Ow. Oh. I can't wait for my next yearly check-up!

Rights vs. Reality

I saw a therapist once who told me I had a right to find love. This was so obvious to me it was a "well, duh" moment. But of course I didn't say that to her. But it made me examine my own attitude toward relationships. Yes, I have a right to love, as I have a right to access, to equal treatment, to be an astronaut. The reality is, just because you have a right to something doesn't mean you're going to get it. What good does it do me to know I have a right to be in a relationship with a man if no man I desire thinks of me in a romantic way? What am I supposed to do with that right?

I have asked two men out in my life, both times have been less than successful. They were both via email, so making it much easier to be let down. The first time, he was the one. The ONE. I was crushed, devastated (again, I think I mentioned this in a previous blog. Have I so little to say that I have to repeat myself so often? Oy!). After him, there was no one for years. In fact, even now, I don't allow myself to become interested in someone to that point anymore. He didn't mean to hurt me, but that rejection took my heart, pounded on it with a sledgehammer and crushed it into a million tiny pieces. I have still not recovered, and I don't know how to.

Some eight years later, here I am finding myself in a situation where I've asked out someone else (also mentioned in a previous post). My 2nd choice was very calculated. He doesn't make my head spin. He does not attract me. We don't have much in common. He is safe because of this. He cannot break my heart. In fact I'm sure I will tire of him before he tires of me as a friend. This is already beginning to happen. But he is someone, a body, and fulfills a need.

There is this guy behind the counter of the gym I go to. He works Saturdays. I say hello and we have a little conversation every time I go. But I don't know what else to do with it. I could not possibly ask him out, because he is not safe. I actually care and want something out of it. There's too much at stake. If I could ask someone out without them actually thinking I've asked them out, then maybe I could do it. But then that would be pointless, right?

When my therapist told me I have a right to love, my first thought was no one I am interested in could possibly be interested in me that way so what's the point? Self-fulfilling prophecy, perhaps? Maybe.

I've realized that the least painful way to deal with unrequited love is not to love in the first place. Not to hope, desire, dream, want. Turn right off. I don't want to be there anymore.

I hope you've all had better luck in you being your type's type.

The wheels on the bus...

Yes, more bus issues. Damn, I'm beginning to dread the bus. Today I get to the stop first and am waiting for the bus. Two colleagues come shortly after and we talk about our day. The bus comes and they get on the side door and I go in the front. The bus is crowded today, true, but there was space near me where they could have stood. They probably didn't see it, but they didn't look. So they stayed together for the trip and I read my book. Finally one of them gets off, and the other stays on past her usual stop. She makes her way over to me and asks me which stop she should get off to get to such and such a street. I was really pissed off. And I'm sure it showed. I felt really pissed off that she came to speak to me when the other woman was gone, but didn't bother to make her way until then. Especially since all 3 of us were waiting at the stop together. I know I shouldn't expect people to stay with me, but I just feel it's thoughtless not to. Especially if you're going to come up to me after to ask me a question. I really feel separated in situations like that. I feel saying something is pointless, but people don't understand how isolating it is sometimes to be disabled and have to do things differently than others. Of course my obsessive personality doesn't help situations like this :). Blah!

Mommy Dearest

I remember a few years back having a conversation with 2 disabled friends of mine. We ended up talking about our mothers and realized that we all had something in common. Our mothers were crazy. Overbearing, dominant, guilt-giving, unrealistic crazy. It started me wondering about how many other people with disabilities had crazy mothers. And of course the question that comes from that is.. which came first, the disabled child or the crazy mother? Now, in defense of our mothers, I must say that a) I am certain it's not easy bringing up a disabled child, b) everybody has a bit of craziness in them. Lord knows I do! But my 2 friends and I noticed that our mothers were very similar in this regard.

I think this would make a very interesting study. I love my mother, but I can't be around her for too long before she starts driving me crazy. Bang your head on a brick wall crazy. My mother feels that in order to make friends, I have to be extraordinary. She always said she had hoped I would be an artist because everyone would be in awe of that talent and just naturally want to be around me. That is wrong on just so many levels. First of all, that is naturally coming from her own biased viewpoint. She values art. I do draw. Sometimes quite well. I have a glimmer of talent which my procrastinating nature never really nurtured. But it doesn't matter to me. It's a hobby I dabble in sometimes. Whatever. When I chose social work, she wasn't happy with that. she felt life was hard enough for me, why would I want to listen to other people's problems. It's funny, I see her point to an extent, but it is still narrow-minded. I don't have the patience in my personal life to listen to people who only talk about problems or heck, even only talk about themselves. I used to be able to deal with that, not anymore. However in my professional life, I quite enjoy it. I can separate it because it is my role to listen to them. I am in control as I chose to do this. In your personal life, when you have friends who are too needy (and for a while those were the only type of friends I was attracting), it feels beyond your control. That doesn't mean that I don't want to listen to my friends talk about their problems. Of course I have patience for that, but to a point. I am there for my good friends as they are there for me. But I will also challenge them. If they are whining about the same crap, I will tell them that they are not doing anything to change their situation and I won't be as patient. If they are trying to change their situation and it's just not working, I'll be very compassionate. But, that was a tangent. Back to mothers...

What my mother really didn't and doesn't get is that all her talk about having a great talent to draw people to you affected me negatively. It made me afraid to be who I am, whoever that is, for fear it's not good enough for "normal" folk to like. I was always told to cover up my legs and feet because they are deformed so I'll "look pretty". Same with my weight. "You'd be so pretty if you were thinner". I had to hide as much of my disability as possible and overcompensate for it by doing extraordinary things. I wasn't allowed to be just a normal girl with a disability. I feel like I'm repeating myself as I think I talked about some of this in an early post. But, I am wondering how many of us have mothers who had trouble dealing with our disability. I'm sure most have trouble, but how many have mothers like I describe, who put the onus on us to do 90% of the work to draw others to us and make fulfilling relationships? If someone runs out of their way to open a door for me (which I hate) my mom replies with "I'd love to have someone do that for me, you should just accept it." I find that funny. I'm supposed to be as independent as I can, and possibly more, yet not complain when others help when they think I need it. Her response when I was in high school and had no friends was "keep busy, act like you're too busy to spend time with them."

Then there's the discussions about my brother that comes up a couple times a year. My parents have been divorced for 30 years. My mother still blames my father for not helping my brother more financially. My brother is 3 years older than me and lives with my mother. I take my father's side. He's not perfect by any means. And yes, he and my brother have issues. They are not close. They dont' fight, have no animosity toward each other, but they are not close. I've always been helped financially by my father. I lived with him from mid-teens to mid-twenties. I got more, it's true. But on the flip side, my brother has always been very irresponsible with money, whereas I haven't. My brother worked with my mother. Long story short, he doesn't anymore, but hasn't found a job for himself. He is living under her roof, spending her money. And she likes it. She needs that. She would never admit it though. It's a self-serving relationship, however if my mother were to die tomorrow, my brother would be lost. She doesn't think so. She thinks she's helped him get his self-esteem. I disagree. Whatever the situation, it is wrong to blame my father. My father was harsh with my brother, but he had to be. My brother had his deviant phase and needed to prove he could be trusted again. Anyways, there's lots more to it, but all this to say that when we talk about it my mother always said "the doctors told us when you were born that you'd be fine, that it was your brother we'd have to worry about, being the sibling of a disabled child. He will get less attention and it will be harder for him." I'm sure it was very hard for him at times. And I used to spend nights awake worrying about him and what I needed to do to fix it. I won't do that anymore. I won't go there with my mother. But I really resented her telling me that. I'm a 35 year old woman with major problems to my self-esteem. I have trouble connecting with people. I have few close friends, none male. All male friends I've had have not lasted long, with the exception of one. I have dated one person for a period so short he doesn't even qualify as a boyfriend. I'm insecure, have issues with my weight. Low self-confidence. I yearn for approval. Even with friends I do have, I am never secure they consider me as good a friend as I consider them. I don't say this to get a collective "awww" out of you. I say this to explain. When my mother told me the doctor said I'd be fine, I'm wondering what freaking planet she's on if she thinks that I'm so much better off than my brother. My brother still lives with my mom and has no job of his own, yes. But he has friends. And he is well liked. He hasn't had a lot of girlfriends, as far as we know (he doesn't talk about it... but it's been about 12 years since we've met one), but it's not for lack of interest from them.

Any of this sounding familiar to anyone?

Condo or go home... wait.. I am home!!

I've been living for the past 2 years in a basement apartment. It is not an "accessible" apartment, per se, but it suits my needs for the most part. Having said that, it is by no means perfect. For one thing, I live over the boiler room. Nice and toasty, you might say? Totally overrated, I say. I have had my air conditioner on throughout most of the winter. Otherwise, it would be 32 degrees (90ish for you Fahrenheit folk). When I moved here, I had to find a place to live rather quickly. There were no lists, no services that really were able to help me. I made a gazillion phone calls all with dead ends. I ended up pounding the pavement. Going up and down the streets of the area I wanted to live in and seeing apartments that were in buildings that had no steps. Long and labourious. And utterly frustrating, as 95% of the apartments had components that would not work. 95% of that 95% being problems with bathrooms being too small and bathroom doors being too narrow. So, I thought recently that maybe it's time to go condo. There are some newer condo buildings around. They have a better (cough, cough) chance of being accessible, but even if they are not, I would be able to do renovations as I pleased. So the hunt will start soon. We'll see what kind of concrete jungle it is.

And the winner is...

That list thing really helped. It made me realize what was really important to me. To the uninvolved reader, the lists may seem rather equal on both sides, but after looking at each item, one really stuck out. Stimulating. That was the single, most important factor for me. I think I'd get bored quicker at the smaller job. Permanency isn't everything and I was really focussed on 'can I really turn down a permanent job?'. Well, yes, of course I can. So, I believe (for the moment, at least), that I will go with the non-permanent job in the bigger place.

Add it all up.

Well, I've been thinking. A lot. Last week I started my 6 month (actually 5+) position at my original place of work. I'm really, really enjoying it. It's really made me aware of how much I enjoy this environment more than the other. I was talking to my brother about it last night and he suggested the old pros and cons list of working at either place. So, here goes:

Pros of taking the permanent job:

1. Well, duh.. it's permanent! Benefits! Vacation! Sick days!
2. The staff is great. I get along with them and feel part of the team (well, as much as I can in a group setting, where I'm never really very comfortable).
3. I feel wanted and appreciated. Last week was social work week and, even though I've only been there 2 months, Everyone signed a card for me. It was really nice!
4. I get a lot of support as a new staff member.
5. My boss is pretty lenient.
6. You are always free to apply to other jobs within the hospital.


Cons of taking the permanent job:

1. My foot would be out of the door of the other place.
2. The floor smells really bad sometimes.
3. It's a smaller place and less anonymous. (yes, I put that as a con :))
4. The organization has been in a lot of flux lately. They are in the middle of a downsizing and reorganization phase, which I've heard happens every few years. A lot of instability. Since I've been there, 2 of our 3 doctors have changed, our physio has changed, the social worker will (obviously) change. As well, the amount of time of each job has changed. The physio is reduced from 3 to 2 days. Social work from 1 1/2 positions to 1 full time position. Chances are though that it won't change again in the near future.
5. The cafeteria is awful.
6. The environment isn't as stimulating.
7. There are less opportunities if I ever want to change positions within the hospital.


Pros of staying at the other place:

1. It's bigger, more anonymous.
2. There are more opportunities for permanent jobs.
3. It's a more stimulating environment.
4. They have recently started a supervision program to give more support to newer staff.
5. The cafeteria is great.
6. They have more social work specific learning opportunities

Cons of staying at the other place:

1. The whole bus issue from a previous post... I can now take the bus, but I still feel awkward about it... it causes a lot of anxiety.
2. I'm not permanent yet.
3. My foot would be out of the door of the other place.
4. My boss is pretty tough.
5. Once you take a contract or a permanent position, you cannot apply for another position for the first 6 months of being in that position. Well, actually, technically you can apply, but they don't have to consider you and my boss has never considered anyone who has applied within the first 6 months of being in another position so chances are pretty much nil. This makes it harder to become permanent.


That's all I can think of for the moment. I might add pros and cons as I think of them. Let me mull over it for a bit.

So indecisive...

I've got a little conundrum to ponder. When I moved here, I was employed by a large organization and have really enjoyed it. The problem is, I have been on contract, covering people on vacation, on mat leave, on sabbatical... which means no benefits... no vacation pay, no holiday pay, no sick day pay. No dental coverage, etc. However, I do get pay in lieu of so the cash flow is pretty good actually. I've worked there about 2 years. I have interviewed for 5 permanent positions with no luck. The person who was awarded the last job I interviewed for is on maternity leave. She is switching jobs internally. She has 6 months left of mat leave. I was 2nd choice and therefore asked to sit in for her for that remaining time. When you take a covering position like that, you are stuck in it for at least 6 months. I cannot apply to other positions within the organization while in that position.

During the fall, work had been slow. I went 2 1/2 months with nothing. As a result I applied elsewhere and got a job as a contract worker at another place. It turns out the position I have been covering there is becoming permanent and I have a very good chance of getting it, but of course it is not certain. Long story short, I accepted the first 6 month position, but am applying for the permanent job at the 2nd place and told my boss there that I would take that job if given it. I'm having a bit of anxiety over this decision! Here's why:

Basically, if I get the 2nd job, I'll have to leave the first job, which is one of the largest employers for my field in the city. Once I leave, which will probably be only a couple weeks after I start the first job, I will not be in the good books with my first employer. Getting back in there should things not go well with the permanent job will be difficult as I'm sure my boss will not be too happy with my leaving right after I start a position. I really enjoy the present position at the second place, but for some reason I am hesitant about giving up the first employer. I worry about burning bridges I may later need.

The place with the permanent position has a great staff, colleagues I get along with. But it is going through a lot of changes and restructuring. There have been lay offs. My field is sorted out so I am not worried that will affect me, but there have been so many new staff lately it's been quite radical. And it affects the environment. There are office politics at both places and I believe it's pointless to hash those out here. No place is perfect. But it is a smaller place and in my introverted nature, I like the anonymity that you can choose to have with a bigger place.

Oh, did I mention the cafeteria sucks at the permanent place? ;)

I am trying not to worry about it now, as I have some time before the interview and I find out what is what. But, as you know, I'm a worrier :).

And a rambler.

Have I made sense at all? I'm so confused!!

Back off, Sister, I've got metal and I'm not afraid to use it!!!

Oh my god I can't believe today's only Thursday. This has been an incredibly long, stressful week at work. Plus, I have this weird damn cold that can't make up its mind whether it's coming or going. This week has been bad, but today has been the busiest day at work since I started this job. I had a meeting with a family and I kept getting interrupted for other "emergencies". I had apple juice spilled on me. Adapted Transport has been late all week so I figured, with my luck, today would be the day it was on time because I got down 5 minutes late. I was right. Luckily, it was still there though. It took me 10 minutes to take the elevator down 4 floors. I was intercepted by a group of nuns. They were taking patients in wheelchairs up a floor and got on the elevator heading down instead of up so I couldn't get off on my floor without all of them getting off, which they didn't, so I had to go back up again and then down finally. One of the nuns asked me "who is pushing you, dear?" I mustered up all the patience and politeness I had left and said "nobody". She then grabbed my name tag to see who I was. I growled "I work here" and she left me alone. Just as the door was about to close after all the nuns exited the elevator, another nun blocked the door from closing and asked me where I was going and who was pushing me. I just smiled and nodded at her and hit the "close door" button. She looked worried.

Grrrrrrdohgrrrrrrrrrr!!

Today I experienced one of those experiences where you want to totally blame other people, but you know you can't. I had a doctor's appointment today. It was with a specialist. I had waited 6 months for it. My doctor's office made the appointment for me. I didn't think twice about it. I marked it in my calendar. I took time off from work, took the bus far out to it. I get there and it's in one of those "house" type doctor's offices. 6 steps to enter, and then some more inside. A passerby asks if I need them to go inside and get someone. I say please. The doctor comes out and apologizes and says he'll have to make an appointment for me at his clinic at the hospital. Doh! I assumed because my doctor's office knew I was in a wheelchair, that the place would be accessible. They should have been a bit brighter, yes. But I should not have assumed myself and therefore should have checked beforehand. Luckily they were able to reschedule me at the hospital for next week so I don't have to wait another 6 months. But... doh! Doh! Doh! Doh!

What happened to good television???

I've long understood that your average ABC, NBC, CBS, CBC, and CTV (Canada), FOX have let more and more crap seep through their programming. We still had good channels like TLC, A&E, The Discovery Channel, and PBS. Now it seems like PBS may be the only decent contender left standing. The ironic thing is I hardly watch PBS. I was perusing the TV listings for this evening and found TLC to be showing: "It's Not Easy Being a Wolf Boy" and "The Man Whose Arms Exploded". Lastnight they had "The 700 Pound Man" and "The Boy Without a Face". If you turn over to A&E you get lovely alternatives like "Dog, the Bounty Hunter" and "Growing Up Gotti". Not to mention the usual slop of shows like "Big Brother", "Wife Swap", "The Swan", and "Extreme Makeover" (not the Home Edition, which is tolerable). I am disgusted by media. Disgusted. Dis. Gus. Ted. Run for cover now, folks, the people growing up on this crap will be running this planet soon. Donald Trump help us all.

Amen.

And I believe this is the last word on the subject in question...

Met up with that guy yesterday. He called me 6 days after the date that wasn't a date. We decided to meet up in the afternoon. I must say it was a really nice day. We did some cultural city stuff and then went for coffee. While we were walking around things were nice and relaxed, we were joking around and I was really having a good time. Then we went for coffee and things got a little weird from there. He finished his drink first and I was still working on mine. Conversation got a little stilted again, but I'm used to that. I was still putting out those "I'm interested" signals, but trying not to hit him over the head with it, you know? Then I just noticed that he seemed really uncomfortable all of a sudden. He wasn't looking at me much, his eyes darting around to my left and my right. I finally finished up my drink and said "shall we go". I don't know if it was my imagination, but he said "yes" perhaps a little too quickly. We get outside and I said it was a fun day. He said "yes, we'll have to meet up again sometime". Then he said "I'm going this way" so I said "bye" and we went our separate ways. It was a bit confusing at first, but after analyzing everything that's gone on so far (with the help of some friends), I realize that things are not going to be going on in the date fashion. I was a little angry about it coz he shouldn't have accepted to go on a date with me if he wasn't going to consider it a date. But then again, I have to realize that it's not easy to turn someone down and he is kinda awkward himself, and that he probably wanted to hang out as friends and so said yes. So, I will readjust myself, although I'm a little sad. I will refrain from any further signalling, remain friendly and just generally tone it down a notch and see where that goes. Bah humbug! ;)

Levels of appropriateness

Despite my desire not to work with the disabled community, I found myself working with just that population a couple of years ago. You would think that those who work with disability would be a little more enlightened about disability. As I'm sure many of you have experienced, this is far from being usually the case. My boss at the time was, well... (looking for a nice word for a lunatic...) ... odd. At the beginning, things were fine. She was very nice and supportive. Then one day she went ballistic. I had forgotten to do something. Totally my fault. I apologized and felt bad. It should have been over and done with, but no... she brings it up again a couple months later when she is not happy with my performance. You don't need to know the details, just enough of that background to understand the rest. I told her I had to write things down as people tell them to me, or else it's gone. Her next question to me was: "Do you have a shunt?". Holy freaking cow! I was dumbfounded! I could not believe she asked me that. I was so incredilous, in fact, that I could think of nothing to do but answer her "no". Now, for those of you who may not know about a shunt, it is a tube inserted in the head to drain water that forms on the brain in a condition called hydrocephalus, which is a condition that sometimes is associated with my disability, spina bifida.

That was pretty freakin' inappropriate in my opinion. I thought someone who had spent 15+ years working with people with disabilities would know enough to differentiate that I am a co-worker and NOT a patient. My work there, luckily, ended very shortly afterwards.

I work in a hospital now. I find that working with patients can be interesting and many of them ask me about my disability. Who asks, and the context, will determine the answer I give. I do find a small number of colleagues ask me. I had a physio ask me once and she said she was curious as it was her profession to work with people with disabilities. I answered her coz I liked her. I've had other colleagues who ask me and I tell them I'd rather not answer. But, I am uncomfortable telling someone that what they've just asked me is inappropriate. I am all to aware of the "bitch" image that we can get when we get angry at others for trying to help or being curious or whatever.

I've also had doctors who tell me I am very independent. (Duh!... thanks, I didn't know). I guess by comparison I am able to move more than many others with disabilities. But, my arms work perfectly so why the hell should it be so amazing that I can... actually... use... them?

A disabled but able to walk friend of mine once told me that when she was younger she thought she was pregnant. She went to her doctor and her doctor immediately booked an abortion for her without asking her for consent or even her wishes.

Taxi drivers ask me why I don't take the disabled transit service. (I do, by the way, just not all the time).

A academic/vocational counselor, when I approached her for help on getting into the social work program suggested I do some volunteer work with the paraplegic association. When I told her I wasn't interested in working with people with disabilities she said "how about the association for the blind"?

Someone tried to pay for me in the grocery store once.

Someone tried to give me money while I was waiting at a corner for friends (wearing an expensive suede jacket and bunch of large university text books on my lap). He asked if I were really disabled. I said "uhhh, yes..." and when he proceeds to give me some change, I tell him I am not begging but simply waiting.

A neighbour who offers help every time I see them.

A landlord who won't change the direction of a bathroom door so I can fit in and rent the apartment with some privacy when I have guests.

A landlord who tells me he can take the bathroom door right off so I can fit in and rent the apartment without some privacy when I have guests.

Eight thousand three hundred and sixty-two

You know when you get that comment about how you better slow down or you'll get a speeding ticket? I've always wanted to get the nerve to just answer something like "8362". And when I get that puzzled look, I'll explain "the number of times I've been told that comment by someone who thinks they're the first and that they've just come up with something really, really funny."

The Big D

So, it has been. Yes, last night was the big date with the guy in question. How did it go, you may ask? I wish I could answer that clearly! But truthfully, I have no freaking clue! I am SO confuuuuuuused!

I took about an hour and a half to get all gussied up. That included a nice, long shower, nails, hand care, hair, make-up. I don't usually do that routine, but for special occasions it's a nice treat. I don't wear a lot of make-up, but I have very sensitive skin that flushes easily. So, I had bought this cream blush that had a very natural "rosy cheek" colour. When I dabbed it on (an hour before I was supposed tomeet him), my cheeks went "poof". Red, red, red!!! By the end of the evening they were back to normal, but I'm not sure of their state when I got to the restaurant.

We met at the restaurant at 7:00 p.m., arriving at the same time. I was so freaking nervous I thought I was going to swallow my tongue. But once we were seated at the table I became calmer. When I took off my coat, he seemed to look pleased at my attire, but perhaps a bit surprised. I took a positive mental note. I ordered a glass of red wine, he ordered a beer. We made small talk for a while. I felt like a complete chatter box whenever there was silence, but I did wait for him to speak often and introduce a subject.

By 8:40 we were done (tea but no dessert). The bill came and he goes to pay for it. I object, saying I asked him out. He was determined not to let me pay the whole thing, but I was determined not to let him pay the whole thing either. So he finally says "how about we go halfsies". I had to agree. So, we split the bill and then set out to leave. Outside he said "would you like me to walk you home?". This perked me up as I felt it was a good sign. We walked home. The entrance to my building is a bit back from the street, so I stopped on the sidewalk as we approached and said "this is me". He said good night and I said "give me a call". He said "ok" and left.

That was it.

No hug.

No kiss on the cheek even.

Technically this would be the 3rd time we've met up. But was this a date? I was pretty sure that I had set the tone for a "date". I figured using the term "dinner date" and "Friday night" were pretty darn clear indicators of this being a date. And, I mean, if that wasn't clear enough, it should have been clear by the way I was dressed! He was dressed in grey slacks, a striped dress shirt and a sweater. I don't know, am I reading too much into this? Was the walking home thing a male chivalrous thing regardless of date status? Does someone really agree to a dinner date without considering it a dinner date? I didn't feel comfortable making another first move like going to give him a hug at the end. Damn it, I want some of that from him.

So, I guess whatever is up, the ball is in his court. I told him to call me so I will wait to see how he responds. I suppose he could just be THAT reserved that this will be painfully slow if it does go anywhere. Or it could be that I've created a situation that doesn't really exist. To be continued...

How much is really in our head?

So, my upcoming date started me thinking. My dating life has been pretty barren, to put it mildly. I've always had this struggle with myself, trying to reason things out.

As I've already mentioned, and I'm sure is pretty clear anyway, I think too much. I overanalyze everything. So how much does disability really get in the way of "normal" life; having friends, "normal" family dynamics (whatever they are), going on dates, having a sex life, going to university, having a career, getting married, having children... etc? I tend to think it gets in the way quite a bit, but there's that nagging question of whether it's a self-fulfilling prophecy. I've always been told (by my mother) that life would be harder for me. And in many ways it has been. I'm mid-thirties and my professional and personal life are not near those of my able-bodied peers. Now, I know for sure that there are a lot of people out there who either a) wouldn't give a disabled person the time of day, b) will think that they always have to help a disabled person because things are "harder" for them, c) will look out them as heroes ("bravo") for simply living, d) will always be nervous around a disabled person for fear of not knowing what to do/saying the wrong thing. Those 4 aspects don't cover 100% of people, for sure. But, would you say they cover over half? How much of this barrier inside my head is really inside my head and how much of it is an actual barrier? I phrased that wrong... an internal barrier is still an actual barrier. But how much of it is barriers we make ourselves as opposed to barriers imposed on us. Yes, the barrier inside my head is shaped by external barriers, certainly, but it's still something which I have control over. Yet, letting go of it means facing my fears. Huge fears. Gargantuan fears. What if I'm right? What if it really isn't all in my head? Ok, I know it's not all in my head, and I also know it's not all out of my head. There are many people with disabilities who get married, have kids, lead full lives doing what they enjoy. And then there are the shut-ins. And a whole spectrum of people in between.

No matter how much someone tells me I have the right to make friends with or date who I want, it doesn't allieviate that fear. The fear's too big. Of course I have the right. I have the right to walk too, but I can't do it. I can have the right to do anything, but if you get shot down all the time what the hell good is that right? And you don't always know you'll get shot down before you try... but sometimes you do. Often you do. And regardless, that little nagging voice in my head says that that chance negates the right I have to what I want in the first place. It negates it. Totally negates it.

I've had many friends come and go. I've even had men interested in me (considerably less than many). But I don't want just anyone. The few men who have shown an interest are men that I have not been interested in. The first person I dated was someone I wasn't interested in, but I didn't know it at the time. I was so overwhelmed with feeling someone else's interest in me that it overshadowed my own lack of interest. I have become quite cynical and jaded in my life. I find very few people really, truly interest me. I've tried to challenge that, but it doesn't feel right. Giving someone the benefit of the doubt is tough when they bore and annoy you. Being disabled has made me see the world in a very different way than I might otherwise have seen it. But then again, maybe not. Maybe I would have thought this way regardless. I'm not interested in going out partying every Saturday night. I like wine and beer and vodka, but I enjoy downing a Coke more than anything. Sure, I like to look good, but I hardly wear make-up and find less and less will I sacrifice comfort for fashion. I don't care too much what my friends look like either. I say "too much" because yes, I do care a little. I wouldn't want to be with someone who shows up at a fancy restaurant in sweat pants, really.

A couple friends have asked me what attracts me to my near future date. I find it hard to pin down. He's balding, has a big nose, is extremely formal when we're setting up plans. If we're meeting in 2 days he'll email me to say "I'll meet you on Tuesday, February 7th, at 7:00p.m. by the ticket office at such and such movie theatre". I find it amusing. I know he's nervous so I also find it a bit sweet, but maybe in 6 months it'll bug the crap out of me. We'll see. But for now, I'd much rather actually have someone who is real, down to earth, genuine, and doesn't seem to be fazed by my being in a wheelchair than spend my time swooning over someone I completely can't have, however smart, beautiful, witty and sarcastic they may be. (Gotta love that sarcasm!).

Bravo!

There's this elderly volunteer at work, who feels the need to say something to me every time he sees me. Yesterday it was "Bravo". Yeah. I'm glad it's Friday.

Long overdue

So, some things have been happening lately. Some good, some bad. I mentioned that I had found some casual work for a while. That will be full time until the end of March. After that, there may be a possibility to stay on, but it's all up in the air right now as the place is going through some major restructuring. Ahhhh, the trials and tribulations of funding. Anyway, I'm enjoying doing something different for now and certainly happy to have the hours. I had an interview for another job on Friday the 13th at the place I'm also employed as a casual worker, and was told we'd here about it by the end of the month. Well, yesterday I got a call from my boss at 5 minutes before the end of the work day. Can't be any more "by the end of the month" than that.. I guess she wasn't kidding! Anyway, I didn't get the job. But there are more opportunities coming. I know I interviewed very well for that position so I am disappointed about not getting it, but competition was stiff, so c'est la vie.

Now for the good. Last Thursday the coffee guy emailed me asking if I wanted to see a movie sometime. I emailed him back saying I'd love to, so he suggested that Sunday. We went to see Mrs. Henderson Presents. Lovely movie by the way. Nothing like a film with lots of naked men (full frontal, ladies) and women in it to put that final prod toward a budding relationship ;). After the movie he suggested we go for coffee and tried to pay again (he paid for the movie) and I said I'd take care of it coz he had paid for everything else up until now. We had a good time. He's opening up a bit more and seems slightly less quiet and nervous. Anyway, as datingly inept as I am, I wasn't sure what he really had in mind and if we were on the same wavelength. So, I couldn't stand the suspense and that nervous "I'm going to puke" feeling I was getting. Ok, it was actually a nice feeling, but I really wanted to know if we were dating or not. So I emailed him Monday to tell him I enjoyed the movie and had a great time talking to him over coffee and wondered if he'd "like to go on a dinner date some Friday evening". I figured that was pretty gosh darn clear. So, I waited. And I waited. And I checked my email. Every. Single. Hour. Practically. The pukiness feeling intensified and was interspersed with feelings of "oh my god, what have I done. I've made a mistake. I shouldn't have done that. I've probably gone and messed the whole thing up by forcing things and being too eager and scared him off and I'll just never date again ever in my entire life I'm a loser ugh."

Anyway, this afternoon right after lunch he replied saying he also had a great time and was glad we went for coffee afterwards and he would like to go on a dinner date with me. He suggested next Thursday, but said if Friday's were really better for me he wasn't available until the 17th. I figure sooner is better than later and I'll settle for the Thursday. He has long standing plans on Saturday nights so they're always out. I figure tomorrow I'll give him a call and take this off email finally.

So I'm going on a date. A real date. Oh my freakin' god! What should I wear? Where should we eat? What if he tries to pay again? What if he doesn't kiss me?? What if it's awful?

Tee hee :)

You think you know someone...

I've all but given up trying to figure people out. I usually know right away if I don't like someone and nothing they do or say can make me sway my mind. There are others who I learn to dislike after I get to know. When I moved here, I met this woman who became my friend pretty quickly. In fact, it's the woman I have previously mentioned in my blog.. the friend I never see. We met outside of work twice within the first 6 months of knowing each other. The last time we met was last February. This woman would call me all the time and have long hours of chats. We had lots of things to talk about, but we'd never get together. I told her this bugged me, and that I was always the one initiating plans, and she was always the one telling me she couldn't coz she already had plans. She told me that she felt talking on the phone was a good replacement when there was no time to see each other. I'd agree, except when it becomes a substitute to seeing the other person. She'd always tell me if I needed anything to not hesitate to call her. She would also say sometimes we should get together but never fix a time. I told her finally that I would wait for her to initiate something coz all my efforts led to a dead end, and I'm too insecure to keep trying when I keep getting knocked down. She said she'd try. That was about 7 months ago.

So for the last little while I've been thinking about her and feeling uncomfortable. I did some shift work where she works over the holidays and I emailed her the first day. She called me back and said we should meet for lunch. I called her the Wednesday at noon and left a message for her saying I could come to her work area or we could go to the caf. No answer. So, I gave up. Then, 2 weeks later, on my last week of work, I ran into her at work and she said we should do lunch the next day and to give her a call. I was torn about whether I would or not. Then, the next day, as it turned out, I gave my hand a nasty bash turning a corner too closely and quickly. There was swelling and everything. I spent lunch in my office with some ice in a facecloth. I emailed her to let her know I couldn't make it.

So, I fretted about what to do for a couple weeks more and finally last Thursday I decided to email her. I sent her an e-card actually. I told her I had been annoyed with her lately, and that it had been almost a year since we'd seen each other outside of work. I told her that I needed to see my friends more often, that I didn't feel telephone calls were as good if they became a replacement for ever seeing that person. I told her I thought about her a lot and said basically if friends are too busy to see each other more than once a year in the same city, what was the point. I said I hoped we could work something out and didn't want to lose her as a friend, but if things kept on as they did, we'd drift.

She didn't reply.

I guess she wasn't as good a friend as I thought. Friends don't usually run away when you say you'd like to see them more than once a year. I didn't think it was a big demand. .

Things don't need to be going badly to bitch...

... or do they?

You may have noticed I've been a bit quiet lately. Well, things have been happening. First, I got some work over the holidays. 3 weeks worth, to be exact. It was very, very, very, (did I mention very?) nice!! I feel like my sanity is slowly restoring itself and things are not all black and negative as they were a month or two ago. So, I worked over the holidays, and then on the Monday after my last week of work, my boss calls me to let me know another organization needs casual workers. I gave them a call right away, and an interview was set on the Wednesday. I was hired on the Thursday. So, now I'm a casual replacement worker at two places. Also, I've had an interview for a permanent position at my first place of employment. I think the interview went amazingly, but there were a lot of candidates, so by no means do I feel confident that I have it in the bag.

Yesterday I started a full week of training for my new job. So far so good. Then, at the end of the day, the woman who I was orientating with told me they were in desperate need of someone to do a full-time position until the end of March and would I be available. I told her I would be very interested, but that I was waiting for news on this other permanent position. I let her know that I could certainly do the position until I heard that I was hired by the first place, and obviously longer if I didn't get the position. I was also told that there are possibilities of permanence at the 2nd place. So, possibilities, folks, possibilities. Oh, and one bonus of working at this new place would be that the gym has a hand cyle! Woo hoo!!!

Ok, so anyway, as you can see, things are going along pretty well. So today, I'm at the caf for lunch during orientation. And this guy behind me really, really, really, really, REALLY wants to help me. I had to fend him off THREE times! He goes to grab my plate as the guy behind the counter is passing it to me. I tell him I'm fine. Then, he gets me again at the cash register when I put my tray down on the counter to pay. He goes to grab the tray to help me put it down. Again, I tell him I'm fine, with a little less pleasantries in my voice. And finally, after we both pay, he is behind me again as I go to get a fork, which he really wants to pass to me. At this point I tell him bluntly I don't need his help, but it doesn't seem to faze him. I swear to god (although I'm an athiest), that if he were to try to help me one more time I would have blown his freaking head off. GRRRR GRRR GRRRR GRRRR GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!



On another note, as a follow-up to my last post, I finally met up for coffee with that guy. I don't think it was a date, although he did pay for my drink, which was confusing. The funny thing is that, as I said before, he's quite shy and a bit awkward himself. Originally when he replied to my email, he said he'd email me in January. So, by Janary 11th he hadn't contacted me, so I decided to email him again and get the ball rolling. I asked him when and where would be convenient for him. He came up with the place we had run into each other in December. So, we met up, and it was nice. We talked for a bit, but it was also a bit awkward. The conversation faltered quite often. I felt like I was gabbing away to make up for his silence. Anyway, after about an hour and a half, we left, leaving it open. He said something like we should do this again, and I agreed and said we both had each other's coordinates and to be in touch. And that was it. So, anyway, whatever it was, it was enjoyable. I'm pretty sure it wasn't a date, although him paying for my tea threw me off. But anyway.

That's enough weirdness for today. :)