Monday, April 03, 2006

Rights vs. Reality

I saw a therapist once who told me I had a right to find love. This was so obvious to me it was a "well, duh" moment. But of course I didn't say that to her. But it made me examine my own attitude toward relationships. Yes, I have a right to love, as I have a right to access, to equal treatment, to be an astronaut. The reality is, just because you have a right to something doesn't mean you're going to get it. What good does it do me to know I have a right to be in a relationship with a man if no man I desire thinks of me in a romantic way? What am I supposed to do with that right?

I have asked two men out in my life, both times have been less than successful. They were both via email, so making it much easier to be let down. The first time, he was the one. The ONE. I was crushed, devastated (again, I think I mentioned this in a previous blog. Have I so little to say that I have to repeat myself so often? Oy!). After him, there was no one for years. In fact, even now, I don't allow myself to become interested in someone to that point anymore. He didn't mean to hurt me, but that rejection took my heart, pounded on it with a sledgehammer and crushed it into a million tiny pieces. I have still not recovered, and I don't know how to.

Some eight years later, here I am finding myself in a situation where I've asked out someone else (also mentioned in a previous post). My 2nd choice was very calculated. He doesn't make my head spin. He does not attract me. We don't have much in common. He is safe because of this. He cannot break my heart. In fact I'm sure I will tire of him before he tires of me as a friend. This is already beginning to happen. But he is someone, a body, and fulfills a need.

There is this guy behind the counter of the gym I go to. He works Saturdays. I say hello and we have a little conversation every time I go. But I don't know what else to do with it. I could not possibly ask him out, because he is not safe. I actually care and want something out of it. There's too much at stake. If I could ask someone out without them actually thinking I've asked them out, then maybe I could do it. But then that would be pointless, right?

When my therapist told me I have a right to love, my first thought was no one I am interested in could possibly be interested in me that way so what's the point? Self-fulfilling prophecy, perhaps? Maybe.

I've realized that the least painful way to deal with unrequited love is not to love in the first place. Not to hope, desire, dream, want. Turn right off. I don't want to be there anymore.

I hope you've all had better luck in you being your type's type.


imfunnytoo said...

I was lucky enough to find the One, but, when he died, I used almost *exactly* the same barometer for my relationships for about three years i.e. "Do I *care?* are my emotions invested? No? Great, come over for an evening of dinner, videos and whatever else we chose to do..."

I've only had one other that I truly care about, and *that* ended so badly, that I have made a conscious choice to be celibate.

I just don't have that kind of energy anymore :)

L said...

I really relate to this as well. I don't even try anymore! But life must go on somehow...