Yo yo yo-yo yo!

Back in September, I joined Weight Watchers. I have always had a weight problem and have lost, gained, lost, gained all my life. My mom always had me on diets when I was younger, including some fad diets. She followed weight watchers herself when I was younger and tried to teach me their way of eating. When I was in my late teens, I joined NutriSystem on my own accord. I lost most of the weight, then stopped and gained it all back. About 5 years later I went through a depression and lost 20 pounds. After I recovered from that, I kept losing naturally until I reached the lowest I'd ever reached in my adult life. The losing was slow and gradual, and effortless. The gaining back was slow and gradual, and effortless. About 4 1/2 years ago I started going to this adapted gym. For the past 3 1/2, I've been going pretty regularly, about 2-3 times a week, and then increasing to 3-5 times. I decided it was time to learn how to eat properly. Having said that, I know what I'm supposed to eat. I know about portions, I know about fruit and veggies, and I know about everything in moderation. My first 4 months of WW was incredibly easy. I lost 22 pounds and never felt deprived. I even made it through Christmas and was still losing, with Christmas dinner and all the family gatherings that came with the holiday season. I moderated, but didn't deprive. I changed my mentality to a way of life way of thinking. I don't believe in diet mentality. I want to learn to eat the way I'll eat for the rest of my life. I want to learn to not use food as a crutch when I'm feeling like crap. Then came January. The honeymoon ended. I have been yo-yoing ever since. As of today, I've actually gained. I can lose one week, and then gain it all back and then some the next week. Be really great for the next week and then blow it the week after. I can't for the life of me keep up the endurance. Well, this week was a blow it week. And I'll be traveling this weekend, so that will be a challenge. I skipped the gym today, but have been pretty good usually about going, except that my traveling means I'll miss another 2 sessions. I've done all the rationalization. I know I'm only sabotaging myself, I know no one cares but me, I know I should be easier on myself, I know all is not lost necessarily, but it's hard to keep going back and weighing in when I do this. And I know that losing the first bit of weight is always easier, and it gets harder the closer you get to your goal weight. That's the other thing, as of last week, I was only about 17 pounds away from my goal. Grrr grrr grrrrr!!!! I wish I had a private chef. Heck, I almost wish I was J.Lo... but then again... (shudder).