Friday, April 27, 2007

Self-sabotage

So, I've had some time to calm down. I regressed into some self-destructive behaviour last night. Shortly after I started this blog, I wrote a post about a guy. The guy. The one I just can't seem to stop thinking about. So since I've been off sick due to surgery, I've had a bit more time on my hands. I decided to check out this new internet phenomenon everyone's talking about... yep, Facebook. Minutes after I logged on, an old friend I'd lost touch with sent me a message. I started to search for people from my past. First on the list was, of course, the guy. He was there. I checked out his profile. He's now in a relationship, and has a son. My heart went in my throat and I thought I was going to faint. He had some pictures up. It hit me like a ton of bricks, to be cliche. Why is there always that one guy? The one we wonder about forever, the one we know we weren't meant to be with, but we still call "the one"? I was talking with a friend about it today. My friend is 50 and her "one" was someone she met when she was 15. Heck, I was barely born! And to this day, this 15 year old kid is her "one" that she can't forget. The one she "what if"s about. This kid could have been mine! You know, it's funny. He had a pony tail in one of his pictures. I hate pony tails. He hasn't aged that well. And he's been working at the same place for over 10 years, in computer tech, despite the fact that he as a psych degree and a 4.0 grade average from university. But I don't care. He's my one. The one whose web site I kept going back to to check up on, until he no longer had one I could find. The one I keep Googling but can't find due to his god damn all too common name. The one who made me so happy when I noticed years after I'd last seen him that his company's domain was listed as a recent visitor to my website. And I probably shouldn't have sought him out. But I found him. And now I have to deal with that open wound again. Damn it. Damn it. Damn it.

3 comments:

imfunnytoo said...

Ranter...

I have been there....

There are actually three guys out there. I should be with one of them right now...

But it's a "never" thing....

I hate that.

Most of the time (due to my advanced age) I can be totally grown up about them.

One I hate (It's that thin line love/hate thing.)

One really hurt me and ought to wake up and come ask me for a date.

and one who is my best friend. And that's all they'll ever be.

lrcamargo said...

whoa. great post! pouring with frustration, anger, jealousy. funny, i just called a girl i had a crush on, who chose another man, and now she's married to him with a bun in the oven. she wasnt the one. but she was one who made me believe in that special one again.

it's memorial day weekend. too many memories.

Anonymous said...

Okay, there's probably no body around reading this any more. But just in case (and hoping this was not already obvious or else I'll feel silly!):

One trick I find helpful if I am looking for a specific person with a common name is to try combining their name with an interest, profession, characteristic associated with them that is somewhat more unique.

Example: my boss' name just happens to coincide with the name of some movie star in some other country. So if you google my boss's name, you get a whole bunch of hits for this movie star instead. But if you combine my boss' name with the word "disability" (since he has worked in the disability field for ages), then all of a sudden most of the hits will be pointing to things my boss has been associated with.

I've had similar success combining a person's name with their profession, such as "economics" etc.

"computer" might be a little too broad to help much. So maybe that wouldn't work in every situation. But, a thought to consider in case it helps.