Self-sabotage

So, I've had some time to calm down. I regressed into some self-destructive behaviour last night. Shortly after I started this blog, I wrote a post about a guy. The guy. The one I just can't seem to stop thinking about. So since I've been off sick due to surgery, I've had a bit more time on my hands. I decided to check out this new internet phenomenon everyone's talking about... yep, Facebook. Minutes after I logged on, an old friend I'd lost touch with sent me a message. I started to search for people from my past. First on the list was, of course, the guy. He was there. I checked out his profile. He's now in a relationship, and has a son. My heart went in my throat and I thought I was going to faint. He had some pictures up. It hit me like a ton of bricks, to be cliche. Why is there always that one guy? The one we wonder about forever, the one we know we weren't meant to be with, but we still call "the one"? I was talking with a friend about it today. My friend is 50 and her "one" was someone she met when she was 15. Heck, I was barely born! And to this day, this 15 year old kid is her "one" that she can't forget. The one she "what if"s about. This kid could have been mine! You know, it's funny. He had a pony tail in one of his pictures. I hate pony tails. He hasn't aged that well. And he's been working at the same place for over 10 years, in computer tech, despite the fact that he as a psych degree and a 4.0 grade average from university. But I don't care. He's my one. The one whose web site I kept going back to to check up on, until he no longer had one I could find. The one I keep Googling but can't find due to his god damn all too common name. The one who made me so happy when I noticed years after I'd last seen him that his company's domain was listed as a recent visitor to my website. And I probably shouldn't have sought him out. But I found him. And now I have to deal with that open wound again. Damn it. Damn it. Damn it.

Well now I did it...

I just went and opened a whole new can of worms. Yep. I so suck. .

Twiddle twiddle

I had my surgery Friday and I was terrified. I had had lots of invasive surgeries when I was a kid with some very unpleasant experiences (like having the paralyzing medication kick in before the anesthetic..so I couldn't move a muscle, open my eyes or breathe on my own). I gave my anesthesiologist mega warnings beforehand this time not to let that happen. She didn't let me down. The experience was pretty darn great considering it was surgery. It was day surgery so I got to go home that day, which was also a new experience. I've had nothing less than 2 weeks in the hospital with more recovery at home afterwards. Already I'm healing quite well. It still hurts, and it hurts to pee, and of course I have to pee disturbingly often, but I've been basically managing on my own since. My brother spent that first night with me as I wasn't allowed to be alone for the first 24 hours, but I have basically been alone since (negligent family, tsk tsk!). I am to take 4-6 weeks off work. Oh, I heard yesterday I didn't get the latest job I applied for... again... I'm getting quite good at this being turned down stuff. At least my horror position is over. My boss did tell me when I'm ready to come back at the end of May that there's not a lot of work that month. I'm already on employment insurance sick benefits, which is about 65% of your salary. I guess the renovations on my condo will have to wait for a bit.

I'm not very political, but...

I do love the Dixie Chicks. Last night I saw their documentary "Shut up and Sing" and it was awesome. I cannot believe the flak they went through for expressing their opinion. I don't care that it was out of the US, they had a right to do it and the backlash they experienced as a result was infreakingcredible to me. Especially in a country that is supposed to be the land of the free. Free speech. Freedom of opinion. I thought it was pretty darn low of Bush to retort back to the effect of "if they can't take a little criticism..." Hardly a little criticism. I am not anti-American by any means, and I'm not even a very patriotic Canadian. I don't get the whole "stand by your country no matter what" concept. However, I just have to say that looking at how much of the US reacted after that, I thank my lucky stars to be Canadian.