Thankfulness

It's Thanksgiving weekend and I'm seeing tons of Facebook posts about thankful Canadians being thankful for friends, thankful for family, thankful for friends who become family, thankful for their spouses, thankful for their kids, thankful to live in Canada.

Truth be told, I'm having a little trouble being thankful today. My family doesn't celebrate Thanksgiving. It's not that we're opposed to it, it's just that my family doesn't do a great job at family things. The only holidays we really acknowledge are Christmas and birthdays. And in the past few years birthdays boil down to a call or a text. I spend Christmas with my father and his wife; my brother and his wife do their own thing or spend it with my mother.

I've spent this past year trying harder at entertaining and engaging people. I have hosted a brunch, dinners, tea, game nights, a birthday party. I decided to make a celebration out of inviting people and I sent actual invitations. And people come. But what I notice is that if I don't initiate, nothing happens. I don't get invited. And none of those efforts have brought me closer to having any sort of a social life. Today, on Thanksgiving, as I am home with my cat, I find it difficult to see posts of everyone's Thanksgiving with their families and feel thankful for the friends who come when I invite them.

One friend asked me what I was doing for Thanksgiving and I said "nothing". She said "do you want to be doing something?" I said "it's no big deal"and shrugged or something like that. I don't know if that was a passive way of inviting me, but the moment passed and here I am.

And today I feel like there's no point. What's the point of putting myself out there? Sure people may respond but does it really get me any further to building rapport with people? And do I want to engage people who don't engage me back? What's with that???

Anger

"Why are you so angry?"

"Don't you think people are just trying to be nice?"

 "Why do you always focus on the negative?"

 About a year ago I started to post issues about accessibility on my Facebook page. At first I used humour; I posted picture after picture of "accessibility fails" and asked people what they saw. At first the pictures were quite obvious and over the top that it was amusing (have you seen the "terrifying pit to hell"? https://www.reddit.com/r/pics/comments/3h455f/well_im_glad_this_terrifying_pit_into_the_abyss/).

But as time went on I posted less obvious pictures and asked people what they saw. It set the tone for a discussion about accessibility, awareness, exclusion. In my attempts to have non-disabled people understand what people with disabilities face on what can be a daily basis, I started posting personal experiences; anything from a rude bus driver to the really inappropriate questions and things people say to me and everything in between.

For the most part these posts are well received, but every now and then someone comes along and asks one of those 3 questions. And I can feel my anger starting to boil. I try to answer in a way that promotes discussion and learning, not in an angry or belittling way, but the truth is yes, I'm angry an awful lot of the time. Angry at the amount of inaccessibility around me. Angry at the ignorance about it. Angry at the how inaccessibility influences my life. And I'm angry at having to explain why I'm angry all the time. Ok, so I'm not actually angry all the time. And I don't always focus on the negative. And yes, I know that people are indeed, mostly, just trying to be nice and helpful. And in fact I'm not even angry all that often, but if I'm going to be open and talk honestly about disability and accessibility and inclusion, my anger is a big part of that story and people need to understand that.

I'm angry about having to explain things... all... the... time. I get angry when people tell me why I shouldn't feel the way I do. And I'm angry that my anger probably makes things harder to bridge that gap between disabled and non-disabled. It makes people uncomfortable. But would you ask an African American facing racism why he's angry all the time? Would you ask a gay woman facing homophobia why she's always angry? The difference, I know, is that ableism is not so overt. It rarely takes the form of someone actually verbalizing "you are other and lesser because of your disability and you don't belong here". But that's the message inaccessibility gives. That's the message not validating how I feel about my experience gives.

I was really intrigued by people's responses to my posts. Some were lighthearted, some were heartfelt and supportive, some were thankful to get my perspective. And some were questioning whether I was too harsh on people, too sensitive because people were trying to be nice, kind. I see their point, I really do. But I think that answer, though well-meaning, misses the point. You don't get to tell someone with a life-experience that you've never had, that what they experience and feel is wrong. Sure, we all think that about people (or is that just me?). We judge people, whether we mean to or not. We judge people without realizing or acknowledging it. But until you've lived someone's experience (and that never can really happen because no two people necessarily experience the same thing in the same way) you can't justly tell someone their experience is wrong.

 I keep thinking about this need I have to educate, to bridge the gap. Doing so with anger is not productive, but doing it because of anger may be, as long as you use the fire of that anger as the catalyst for change and not to just lash out at anyone who doesn't agree with you or understand your story.

Ho hum...

I've been feeling really down lately and refraining from posting because I don't want all my posts to be about how my life sucks. I am in the last week of my contract and I will miss this job, although it has been crazy crazy crazy busy. I am really tired and could really use some time off, but the good news is, as of next week, I will be starting a new PERMANENT job! And guess what population it's with?... for those of you who have read my previous posts, you'll understand my hesitance when I say... "rehab!". Yes, I applied for the job, it's true. But I know that's where my boss has seen me all along (and you think my disability had anything to do with that??). So, while I am extremely happy to at least have an in (and that is exactly why I decided to apply to the position in the first place... use my boss' wishes to my advantage) and can apply to other positions as they come up. Actually, only half of my job will deal with disability, the other is a different type of rehab (and no, not alcohol ;)). So, we'll see how it goes. The pace and work will be very different from what I'm doing now, and that will be a welcome break. So yay benefits! Boo loss of pay in lieu of benefits!

As for why I've been feeling down, as usual, I am stuck. I've previously mentioned that most of my friends have either moved away or had babies this year. Of the two who moved away, I was really close to one, not so close to the other. And since they've been gone, I have hardly heard from either. The one who I was close to actually came back into town and I received an email from another close friend of hers saying she was organizing a dinner out (her usual big do with 20 of her closest friends... which is just not the type of thing an introvert like me enjoys). I opted not to go for 2 reasons. One was precisely because of the number of people invited and I knew I'd maybe get to talk to her for 5 minutes. The other was I was a little miffed that she didn't call or email me herself. Not to tell me she was coming, not to say hi when she was actually here. Since she moved away almost a year ago, I have had a few emails, and one phone call. She never gave me her new cell phone #, and she's never home to answer her home phone (left 2 messages). It's left me really hurt.

My pregnant or newly mommied friends are all into their kids, obviously. When we meet we don't really talk about much other stuff. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy for them, truly, but I miss my social life, what little of it there actually was. And I feel helpless to change this pattern of meeting people, becoming friends, and they either not liking me, or me not liking them. I've been contemplating counseling, but part of me is hesitant for 2 reasons; 1, I've been in therapy before, for about 7 years for the same issues. 2, with my new permanent job comes the substantial pay cut and I don't know if I'll be able to afford it. I will be starting some new activities in the fall, so it'll be nice to get busy again and meet some new people, but I always feel like I'm starting again. Of the two friends I have who are not pregnant or moving away, one I could call up and do stuff with, but I don't really enjoy being around her. I wish I did, it would make my life much easier. But I don't. And there's no point hanging with someone you just don't want to be around.

Anyway, forgive the whiny post. I obviously need to do something to get off this whiny downward spiral, just not sure what yet.

Does anyone have an extra social life to spare?

In the last 12 months, there has been a baby boom in my city. I can name about 15 people who have had a baby. Among my friend circle, which wasn't huge to begin with, 2 have moved away, 2 have had babies, and one is currently pregnant. There remain 2 who are not likely to become pregnant nor move away. The thing is, I don't see them that often. One of the two is someone I find it increasingly difficult to be around and I don't really contact her much anymore. The other is a friend, but someone I don't see all that often. The summer has, well, sucked. Big time. Not only do I have no social life whatsoever, it has rained, rained, rained, and, oh yeah, rained. We're approaching mid-August and I feel like I've had absolutely no summer at all. Add to that the fact that I've not taken any time off work due to the fact that I don't get vacation pay. The position I've been covering for over 6 months became available, but, as my luck would have it, someone with 15+ years experience at my place of work also applied. She's actually done my job for about 6 of those years. So, I didn't stand a chance. So now I'm applying for her job. It's not somewhere I really want to be, but it's in an area my boss really wants me, so I figured I may as well give it a try and if I get it, I can try it for a while, and apply to move internally if I don't like it. I feel very much like I have no control over my life these days. There are all these things I'd like to do, but they are all hinging on other things. I'm one who usually doesn't mind spending time with myself, but right now I'm pretty sick of myself!

Found it!

Here's a link to the advertisement in question:

Maybe One Day video.

Tell me what you think.

Stupid commercials on disability

There's a new advertising campaign put out by some people (haven't paid enough attention to take note of who exactly is promoting this) promoting hiring people with disabilities. Honestly, I find these commercials extremely embarrassing and condescending. There's one where this woman with some disability (down syndrome or something like it... sorry, I'll have to pay more attention next time and clarify), and this customer is being really condescending saying things like "it's great that you people can find jobs" etc.. It's so stereotypically simple, it's embarrassing to watch. I cringe when I see it. Yes, I agree that some people don't think people with disabilities can work, etc, but I'm not a big supporter of the "in your face" approach. I think there's something intrinsically wrong with a commercial telling society that people with disabilities are human beings and have value in that tone. Sure, many people have preconceived ideas of what someone with a disability can or can't do, but I really don't think an in your face commercial is going to help. In fact, it was such a stupid commercial, I think it could be more damaging than not.

Actually, I have trouble with any commercial that tells you how you should see someone. Are we really that stupid that we need advertising to get involved?? Wait, don't answer that.

I can't seem to find a video of the commercial in question. If anyone can find a link to it, please let me know! Here are some links to some other pro-disability commercials. The MADD ones make me particularly squeamish. I'd like to hear your comments!

Disability Means Possibility
Disability Awareness
MADD commercial

I can't help but love the Wallace and Gromitness of this commercial, but still...

Leonard Chershire Disability Creature Discomforts

Dry spell

Howdy folks,

It seems I've hit a dry spell. It's been almost 10 months that I've hardly posted anything. I've been wracking my brain for things to say. It's not that I don't have fodder in my life. I do, for sure. I just feel uninspired to write. The thing I've been struggling with most lately is the fact that most of my friends, in the past year, have either moved away or gotten pregnant/had babies. I am left with 2 friends who will not be having babies, although one of those will probably move away in the future. Though that may be a good thing because I find more and more she's not someone I enjoy spending a lot of time with. So that leaves my social life kind of a solo act these days, which sucks.

I've been ruminating a lot lately about finding that balance between accepting my neuroticism, and making myself not too scary to others. Still looking. I've also been ruminating about adopting a kid. It's been on the burner for a while, but it's just not an option, financially, at the moment.

I read a comment from someone saying they are reading this and other blogs because their nephew has a disability. I think that's great. It's so important to be informed and start to think about what this person may need for the rest of their life. I think people, for the most part, see people with disabilities differently than they did when I was growing up. And I think the change is for the better. Schools seem to make more effort to integrate people with disabilities into regular classrooms, rather than assuming they all need special education. And there are less physical barriers at school, though of course many still exist. Most schools seem to have wheelchair access now, as opposed to a chosen few.

I think, equally important, is to treat that person as "normal" as possible, without being TOO strict about it. For example, I used to work in an environment that had a lot of disabled children. The parents would often tell me that they know they "should" be letting their children do more things on their own (dress and push themselves), but it often took longer and they just wanted to get things done quicker so they could leave the house on time, etc. In my opinion, this is a HUGE, HUGE problem! I saw so much of myself in these kids, although I had a mother who tried to force me to be more independent than perhaps I should have, which was the opposite extreme. I saw teenagers who were urine-soaked, unkempt, generally unclean. I saw kids who were spoiled, whose parents hovered over them to overcompensate for the fact their child had no friends or "less opportunities". Kids whose social skills were less than par.

I don't have the magic answer to anything really. But I think if parents of disabled children can remain aware that their child is the same as all other children, yet different. They will have talents and abilities that others don't have, no matter what they may be. Feed that, but not to an unrealistic proportion. If I brought a drawing home when I was a kid, my dad would praise me for it, no matter if it were just a straight line in black and put it on the fridge. My mom would praise me if it were really good and put it on the fridge, otherwise would say thanks and it woudl end up in a drawer. There has to be a happy medium there somewhere. All kids need to feel self worth, and they only get this by people being genuine to them. If family treats them differently than that, for better or worse, spoiling and overpraising, or neglecting or over-criticizing, then the self-worth is in danger of running amok.

To all you parents of children with disabilities: Good luck! You've got a tough job ahead of you. But rest assured that, no matter what you do, how fair and supportive, and equal you try to be, it's a constant process of trial and error. But there are so many resources out there now for info and support, which didn't exist as abundantly in the past. Use them. Learn. And keep going.

Ooey gooey messy magical Duoderm

So I've got a pressure sore. My occupational therapist had made some changes to my chair a few months back. One of them was to put a board under my Roho cushion. Since then I keep getting pressure sores on my coccyx. I've removed the board as a result, and hope this doesn't cause more problems with my back/shoulder/neck pain as it puts me a bit lower in the new hard back I have on my chair. I've always had foldable backs. But my toushie skin must be looked after too. So I'm using Duoderm. It's wonderful in the sense that nothing I've ever tried has ever worked as wonderful as it. It's almost magical that way. However, Duoderm's downfall is that it's messy. As it interacts with the pressure sore, it gets gooey and leaks. And the odour is foul. The rub is that Duoderm only seems to work optimally if you leave it on for about 3 days before changing it. The goo is needed in the healing process. So I keep adding tape around the leakage parts and wash around it. However, taking showers and getting it wet seems to impede the effectiveness of the tape and makes it easier for the goo to seep out. It's a huge nuisance, especially if you work and have to interact around people, wondering if it's oozing. Does anyone else have this problem? Are there any Duoderm secrets that people have for making it work best?

Chronic Pain

So I've got this bad shoulder. I can remember clearly the exact moment it appeared too. I was walking home one March evening from dinner with a friend. There wasn't any pain, it was just this tired feeling that went right up my left arm. In the 5 years that have followed, I have seen 4 physios and 1 occupational therapist. All have pretty much given up. The verdict? I'll probably have to live with this from now on.

But I've been thinking. I spent a long, long amount of time with the occupational therapist going over changes in my chair. We changed the back from a soft foldable back to a hard one. They changed the canes on the back of my chair to angled ones because it was felt that part of the problem, aside from outright overuse of my arms in general, was that my arm hit the cane as I was reaching back to grab the wheel and stopped my arm from going back in the direction it should naturally go in. The interesting thing was, in this whole process, I have found it incredibly difficult to identify and verbalize exactly where and when the pain comes and if it gets better or worse over time. I think my O.T. was incredibly frustrated with me. I'd try a back and it felt fine for a while, and then just when I thought it was good, after about 10 days it started to hurt. Excruciatingly.

So we finally settled on this hard J-something back and I can't say unequivocally that it is better than my old back. Sure, I do notice some difference, like more support to my lower back. But I still have the shoulder and arm pain. I'm actually home from work today as a result of it. Although it may have been aggravated by lifting my Macbook repeatedly in the past 2 weeks with my bad arm only. I've stopped doing that to see if it makes a difference. One thing I do notice is that my height was a problem. I'm really short and I wasn't hitting the right parts of the back, even when it was installed as low as possible on the chair. It wasn't custom made for this particular chair. To add height and stability, my O.T. added a wooden board under my ROHO cushion. Even with a medium profile ROHO, I still get pressure sores on my coccyx with the board.

It's been a really frustrating few years. And I can't help but think the inevitable outcome will be an electric chair soon. I'd like to try these swanky Motion wheels that have batteries in them and give you more push for your push. I tried them out and they were awesome! The problem? $6,500!!! Did I mention I don't have insurance?

Help, I've fallen and I can't stop eating

I have been attending weight watchers for 1 1/2 years and have lost 28 pounds. The first 20 pounds were easy. The next 8 were excruciatingly different. I have another 7 to go. Except I don't. I melted. It started with having to bake for a certain function. I should have said no, but I wanted to be a team player, so I baked. And I ate. And I ate. That was 3 weeks ago. And I'm still eating. I haven't been on a bender like this in a long, long time. I had gotten really far with changing my eating habits and thinking of this as a way of life, and not a diet. I am of the mentality that diets don't work. However, I'm a very short person and I was down to 117. It got to the point where I was following the program and not losing any more weight. For months. And months. Almost a year, in fact. I was so close, but it was feeling too restrictive and not fun anymore. I was starting to worry too much about everything that I was bound to collapse. And I did. Astronomically. I gained 12 pounds in 2 1/2 weeks. Now, I know a lot of that is water retention as I've stopped drinking as much water. I have been trying to get back on track for about 2 weeks and I just can't kick myself to do it. I stopped going to the gym, stopped going to meetings. Every day i say today will be the day, but I keep eating crap and to an extent that I just feel like crap all the time. I need to find a balance between eating healthily and feeling satisfied. Hopefully I'll get back on track soon.

Thinking about happiness...

Hello folks. Yes, I am alive and well. I just haven't felt inspired to blog in the past few months. Not that things haven't been going on, they certainly have. Let me catch you up, and then I'll go on to some ruminations I've been doing of late.

Well, I had a whirlwind summer and fall with The Police tour. I know I've posted in the fall, but some things I didn't mention. I will have witnessed about half a dozen shows by the end of the tour. It's been an amazing experience. And, as I am not about to post pictures of myself, you'll have to take my word for this next part. I had the good fortune to find out where they were staying in one city and staked out the hotel in the less than tepid weather. I was the only one there waiting. At first none of the hotel staff said anything to me, and I didn't say anything to them, as I was afraid they would try to get me to leave. But they didn't. The chauffer was waiting for a while and we started to chat and he agreed to take a picture of me with the boys if they agreed. So finally, after about 2 1/2 hours of waiting, Stewart came out. I meekly called out and asked if I could get an autograph. He obliged, but wasn't very friendly, I must say. He also allowed the chauffer to take a picture of us. Then a few minutes later Sting came out and ... same thing, except Sting was just absolutely lovely! He was very friendly and chatted a bit. Turns out Andy didn't come out until later, so I had to keep waiting, but ended up getting autographs and pictures of all 3! I've only waited since 1981.. if nothing else, I have stamina! ;)

And I went back home and reunited with a bunch of people I reconnected with on Facebook. Including "The Guy". We went to dinner, just the two of us, and it was really nice. We stayed out a couple hours. It was comfortable, but it was casual. I didn't bring any expectations with me, and I left with none. We still keep in contact on Facebook, but I'm not expecting us to be best friends. Whatever it is, it is, and I'm okay with that.

I'm still working at the hospital, in an area I enjoy. I'm in a contract until June, so it's not permanent, but I am recognizing the value of being somewhere I want, doing something I like. It was tough at first because I stopped talking to a lot of the people I thought I was close to at work. One woman I thought was a close friend turned out not to be. In hindsight, I should have seen that. It took a while to adjust. I didn't know how to act around them, but I was able to get myself finally to a place where I can be polite, say hello, chit chat, but not go beyond that. Workplace friendships can go sour, but you still have to work together. No matter what happens, you can't take it personally or it reflects on your work. I'm just concentrating now on the work, and showing my boss I'm in the right area and I am a worthy employee. And I like that task.

But it hasn't been all rosy and enlightening. I find my circle of friends has diminished this year. My closest friend here moved away, as did another friend. My other closest friend had a baby, as did another friend. So that's 4 friends I saw frequently that I don't see much anymore. I have 2 others that I still see often, but the social life has taken a beating. I've been thinking a lot about happiness lately, and what it takes to achieve that. Some people are more prone to it, and seem to find it wherever, no matter what life throws at them, while others struggle along.

I have experienced depression. About 15 years ago, I experienced some changes and losses, and went into a depression that lasted about 3 months. I didn't want to eat, I had panic attacks almost every night and was afraid to go to sleep as a result. I was getting by on 3 1/2 to 4 hours sleep every night, lost 20 pounds. I cried all the time. Yet, deep down, I knew this was a phase I was going through, that I would get through. I never doubted that for a second. And I was right. I started behaviour therapy and learned how to relax. I learned that I could control the panic attacks, and they stopped. Immediately.

Yet, even though I have managed to avoid deep depression, I am left with an eternal grey. I ended up going on anti-depressants some time after that episode, even though I wasn't in the throes of a deep depression. And they helped. Except for the fact that I wanted to sleep all the time and they made my head queazy when I missed a dose.

I don't want to return to anti-depressants. I want to learn to be happy on my own. But I don't have the foggiest idea how to do that. I've tried to make friends, but I keep making the wrong ones, or the good ones move away. I have a history of making friends that I don't want to continue to be friends with. I either cut them out of my life, or they cut me. I'd like to have a relationship with someone, but I have no idea how to do that either. I've grown so accustomed to my being alone, that I've led myself to believe that no one I'm interested in could feel that way about me and all my quirks and hang-ups, not to mention the physical disability and all it encompasses. I have never had an easy time with friendships or relationships with family. How on earth does one get past all that crap and lead a healthy life with all that that entails?

Yet, people do. I know it's possible. But a large part of me has given up. And that's one of the biggest obstacles. Sure, I am still friendly to people. I still reach out and go to lunch with colleagues. I participate in dating websites because the idea of putting myself out there with people I actually know is beyond my comprehension. So I look at that as a half-hearted effort. Taking a real chance would be with real people, face to face. Part of my reasoning is if I have that much trouble making friends, it's going to be that much more impossible to make more than friends.

I was having coffee with a friend yesterday. This friend tends to be very negative and cynical most of the time and this really annoys me. She said "what scares me is that as I approach 30, I know that I'll be in the same boat when I'm 40". I told her she didn't know that and that she could do things in her life to change her circumstance. And at the time, I truly believed that if she just did such and such instead of whining, she'd get what she wanted. A little hypocritical, I know. Because that's exactly the way I feel about myself. I feel I've tried to do things to change my circumstances. I have game nights, dinner parties. Yet, I'm always in the same boat. So how can I judge someone who is exactly in my same position?

I have 2 more friends back in my hometown who are the same. And I get frustrated at them. I think what my frustration really represents is that I tend to find myself surrounded by people in the same boat as me, and that makes me feel more helpless about getting out of the boat. There's obviously something about me and my vibes that attracts the same. Yet how to change the vibes.

I was watching Oprah the other day. I am not a fan of Oprah, but I felt like lounging and she was there. The topic of the day was getting what you want out of life and she showcased three people and books. The books were The Secret, and The Laws of Attraction, and You Can Heal Your Life. I was bored and figured, hey, it can't hurt to check them out? So I literally did just that from the library. Well, one anyway, the other two are on request. I got my hands on The Laws of Attraction First. It made sense. Common sense. Of the "duh" variety. A very easy, quick read, with very little to say. The basic concept is you can attract what you want by changing your views on what it is that you do and don't want, and being open to that. I would have to agree. So far so good.

However, here is where they lose me. The author claims that if you want a million bucks, you can get a million bucks, just by the sheer act of believing you will get a million bucks. The concept is too simple to actually be that valid, in my humble opinion. I can believe that if you want a be married, have kids, live comfortably working in the job you enjoy, you can attain that by being positive, open and emitting that type of energy that gets picked on by others who are, in turn, attracted to that. I don't believe that just because you send out positive vibes that someone will call you that they will. And if they do, I believe it's a fluke, not the laws of attraction.

I don't really have an idea as to where this post is going, so I will wrap it up as it is already far too long and rambly. I am still trying to figure out how to get what I want out of life, but I also believe I am being realistic in thinking that I will not change drastically my personality and who I am, essentially. Or perhaps I actually will die an old, miserable maid after all ;).

A big ray of sunshine after a long season of rain

My summer hasn't been great. It's not been terrible, I mean I did get to see The Police (twice :)). But as a result of my obsession with the band and splurging on tix to 5 concerts, as well as having sporadic work, having had to take time off for surgery, working reduced hours, and having renovations done on my condo, as well as having my property tax raised, things have been financially strained. I have not done a lot of fun social stuff this summer, and am entering fall feeling I got a bit gypped from summer. I missed it. It was a write-off. I would, of course, do it again, if I had the chance to see The Police every summer, so I'm not complaining, just stating a reality.

Anyway, with the start of fall, some new things seem to be happening. I joined a community drama course. Makes me a little nervous, but it sounds like fun too. I also won the first round of an impromptu speech contest and will be advancing to the next, larger round. Again, a little nervous, but also excited.

And finally, I have been reconnecting with all sorts of people on Facebook. This past weekend a bunch of people from elementary school showed up and we're trying to plan a small get together for the next time I am back in my home town. Also, this weekend some other people from my online gaming days popped up. Because of this, I decided to take the plunge to email "The Guy", as he was one of these people. You know... from one of my previous posts. I was really nervous considering how things were left the last time. It's been 9 years. It seems like forever, and yet time has flown by. I emailed him early evening and by mid morning the next day I got this lovely long reply! He was glad to hear from me and said he had been thinking of me when The Police concerts were announced. So we're also planning to try to meet up when I go home, with his friend who I also knew from back then and both of their significant others. I am hoping that things will be different. He is with someone else, planning to have kids with her and get married, and that's okay. I realize how much I miss his friendship and just the way we used to talk. I am welcoming that back. It feels really good to know that after all that happened he was glad to hear from me. I know I have to keep my expectations in check, after all I know I still have feelings and probably always will. I don't expect him and I to be best buddies, and I certainly know that anything romantic between him and I is not in the cards. But I am ecstatic. I only wish 10 years hadn't gone by in the meantime.

Ruminations

People always tell me how independent I am, and how well I've adjusted to my disability. You know the reactions, I've touched on them before. "Wow, you're amazing", "I could never do what you do?", "How do you do such and such...?", "You're such an inspiration", "You certainly don't let your disability get in the way...".

Phrases like this piss... me.... off!! These are said by people who have no clue about what it actually means to have a disability. People who cannot begin to comprehend that getting in and out of my chair is just as simple for me as I assume standing up must be for them. There's nothing amazing about it. I assume it all stems back to the "you're amazing because you don't just roll over and die" sentiment, telling me backhandedly that if they were disabled, they'd rather die than learn to adapt. What they don't get is that I have never walked. Yes, on the surface they get it. But I don't think they really "get" it. I don't miss walking because I have never done it. I have no idea what it's like to walk, and I don't spend that much time wondering. Really. But this leads me to a question I ruminate over from time to time:

Do you think it's easier to adapt to a disability when you've dealt with it from birth or when you've acquired it?

I can see points on both sides. First of all, from birth, as I've mentioned, you don't miss anything. You don't pine for the legs you once had. Disability is all you know. And how people treat you is how they've always treated you. When you acquire a disability, I imagine there would be an adjustment from being one of those able-bodied people who look at people with disabilities with wonder and/or fear and/or discomfort. But, as the able bodied person you were before your disability, you learned certain life skills that many people with disabilities don't have as much access to learning.

I think when you have a disability from birth, you have to deal with alienation and segregation from the get go. Often people born with disabilities, or acquire them at a very early age, don't have those same chances to develop socially, physically, mentally, as their peers and this is a big thing. Someone who acquires a disability later on in life, although they will most likely grieve their loss, have a better chance at having acquired those life skills.

Now, of course I talk in generalizations. I am well aware there are socially inept non-disabled people, and quite socially adept disabled people, whether born with their disability or not. But I am wondering how much one's upbringing in childhood for disabled vs. non-disabled affects adulthood for those who are born with a disability and those who acquire one later on.

Thoughts?

Have I even made sense? The more I write today, the more I feel my thoughts are too jumbled to express clearly.

OMFG I've died and gone to heaven!!!!!

I will stray once again from my disability topic to say that finally, after 26 years of waiting and hoping, I, Ranter, HAVE SEEN THE POLICE IN CONCERT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! TWICE!!!!! The first show I saw was amazing! The first time is always so special and in many ways you can't beat it. The second show was better in that it was a different city and the crowd there just went NUTS!!! I saw the first show alone, the second with my oldest friend from high school, which made it better to. Before the show she told me "I can't wait to see you go nuts!!" Oh, and I did go nuts! I screamed my freaking head off the entire time! They played pretty much all their big hits, with a few less known favourites thrown in, like The Bed's Too Big Without You, Regatta de Blanc, and Voices Inside My Head, and Next to You. Of course any respectable fan of The Police knows those songs ;). What was that absolute greatest thing about the concerts though, was that they consisted on stage of just Sting, Andy, and Stewart! No backup band! No backup singers!!! Phenomenal!!! And man, did they perform! I had seen Sting in concert a zillion times, and Andy twice, but never had the chance to see Stewart and I was mesmerized watching him beat the crap out of those drums! He had not only drums to look over though, he had a whole set of percussion, gongs, etc to work with and he sometimes had to leave his seat to reach another part of the set-up, and then hurry back to his seat for more. He did this with such fluidity and ease and talent, that I was blown away! I felt so honoured to be given this chance finally to see the 3 guys together. Their music was solid, and they gave a whole new feel to the songs, whose arrangement they played with so we weren't hearing the same old album versions. And it was great to hear Sting chanting the unforgettable "ee-oh, ee-yay, ee-yay yo"s!!! After such a long wait, my boys did not disappoint!! It feels amazing to say "I saw The Police!!" finally!! So I caved and bought more tickets for the fall. I can't wait!! :)

Membership does have its perks

As I sit here on my lunch break continuing my munch fest, I am ruminating over all the perks there are to being in a wheelchair. I thought it was time, as I've spent a lot of time on the negatives. I was talking to someone today about how I had snagged tix to two The Police concerts and they asked me how I managed to do that. I started to reply that I had called the second they went on sale, and kept redialing for about 40 mins, and kept on hold for about 20 more until a sales agent came on and I got my tix. But then I thought. Wheelchair seating doesn't get sold out necessarily at the same rate as the regular seating, so if I hadn't been needing wheelchair seating, I'd most likely have been out of luck. Also, when traveling to these concerts, I will travel by train most likely. Although I can get out of my chair, the wheelchair tie-down area is located in 1st class where we get all the extra luxury at regular fare. At general admission concerts, wheelchairs can often push their way to the front so they get a better view. Ok, I'm sure there are more perks somewhere, especially outside of concerts, but that's all I can come up with for now.

Yo yo yo-yo yo!

Back in September, I joined Weight Watchers. I have always had a weight problem and have lost, gained, lost, gained all my life. My mom always had me on diets when I was younger, including some fad diets. She followed weight watchers herself when I was younger and tried to teach me their way of eating. When I was in my late teens, I joined NutriSystem on my own accord. I lost most of the weight, then stopped and gained it all back. About 5 years later I went through a depression and lost 20 pounds. After I recovered from that, I kept losing naturally until I reached the lowest I'd ever reached in my adult life. The losing was slow and gradual, and effortless. The gaining back was slow and gradual, and effortless. About 4 1/2 years ago I started going to this adapted gym. For the past 3 1/2, I've been going pretty regularly, about 2-3 times a week, and then increasing to 3-5 times. I decided it was time to learn how to eat properly. Having said that, I know what I'm supposed to eat. I know about portions, I know about fruit and veggies, and I know about everything in moderation. My first 4 months of WW was incredibly easy. I lost 22 pounds and never felt deprived. I even made it through Christmas and was still losing, with Christmas dinner and all the family gatherings that came with the holiday season. I moderated, but didn't deprive. I changed my mentality to a way of life way of thinking. I don't believe in diet mentality. I want to learn to eat the way I'll eat for the rest of my life. I want to learn to not use food as a crutch when I'm feeling like crap. Then came January. The honeymoon ended. I have been yo-yoing ever since. As of today, I've actually gained. I can lose one week, and then gain it all back and then some the next week. Be really great for the next week and then blow it the week after. I can't for the life of me keep up the endurance. Well, this week was a blow it week. And I'll be traveling this weekend, so that will be a challenge. I skipped the gym today, but have been pretty good usually about going, except that my traveling means I'll miss another 2 sessions. I've done all the rationalization. I know I'm only sabotaging myself, I know no one cares but me, I know I should be easier on myself, I know all is not lost necessarily, but it's hard to keep going back and weighing in when I do this. And I know that losing the first bit of weight is always easier, and it gets harder the closer you get to your goal weight. That's the other thing, as of last week, I was only about 17 pounds away from my goal. Grrr grrr grrrrr!!!! I wish I had a private chef. Heck, I almost wish I was J.Lo... but then again... (shudder).

I need a dating guru!

So, today I had another adventure at the gym. There's this guy (boy, guess you didn't see that coming, eh?;)) who has been coming to the gym for a while. I had never talked to him, but have certainly noticed him. He's pretty quiet, does his thing on the bike for a good, long time, does a hard workout. He's got this tattoo, which I usually don't find attractive. Anyway, I guess he noticed I had been noticing him because a few weeks ago when I was doing one thing on one of the machines, he was on the stationary bike facing me. He nodded and sort of mouthed "hi", to which I nodded back. Since then we usually make eye contact and smile, nothing major. There are a couple machines that I need someone to take the seat out of so I can fit in with my chair. It's always a pain to ask someone to remove them. Anyway, today as I'm on one machine, he comes over and uses the machine next to me. He says something. I had my handy little protection with me (my iPod), so I didn't hear him. I took out the earphones and said "sorry?". He said "I was just saying hi, how are you?" Of course this is where my face inevitably goes red and I get all flustered. I said "Ohh, fine thanks, you?". He nods and we continue to do our workouts. Then he removes the seats of the machines so I can access them without me asking. Except, my back was turned when he did that, so I didn't see him do it, but asked him if he had and he said yes, to which I thanked him. Then I got all self-conscious. And that was it. So now I'm already freaking about the next visit and how I should handle it. I've already made it huge him my head, which I know is my first mistake, but I can't help it! I've probably read too much into things. Now I have days of going through the "should I say hello? Should I seek him out to do so? Do I just smile? What do I say? Will I be an idiot and go all spastic and simply ignore him? Play it too cool? Do I show interest? Do I leave my iPod at home next time? Aaaaaaaah! The doomsdayer in me has already convinced myself that I'll blow it, although there probably wasn't anything to blow in the first place as I've obviously made this into something it isn't. Is there a big fat L on my forehead? Thanks. That's great. Sigh.

Your new primetime tv show...

Let's say you had the power to get your show on the air in that coveted Thursday evening line-up. Your show that involves disability somehow. What would your show be about? Would it revolve around disability? Would the main character(s) be disabled? Would the disabilities be explained? Would they be a show focus? Would actual disabled actors play people with disabilities on the show? Would you use non-disabled? Would it be a drama, mystery, action, horror, suspense, comedy or reality show? Hour or 1/2 hour?? Talked to me, people.

Complete and total integration

Is it possible? We've heard a lot about accessibility, universal access, inclusion. But why does it feel so much like accommodation, making do, afterthought? Is society really striving for inclusion and universal access? Then how it is that new residential buildings can still get away with not providing access to all aspects of the building? Why is it that buildings being renovated can get away with not improving their accessibility? Why is it that new public venues provide one section and one section only (for the most part) for people with wheelchairs? Why are we only allowed one companion with us at concerts? It's all nice and good to provide access, even as an afterthought, but it's not truly inclusive. It still smells of us and them mentality. I don't know if it's possible. Universal design thinks it is. Are they realistic or optimistic?

I'm a hypocritical bitch

There. Now you know. Word's out. It's official. You know how I've whined on here about not being treated equally due to my disability? You know how I've lamented not having luck in the relationship department? Well, reader(s), I'll let you in on a little secret. Yes, that's right, it's hardly a secret as I put it in the post title, but I am a hypocritical bitch. I was at the gym today, with my headphones on to filter out all the freaks that are so magnetized to my presence. See, I have no interest in meeting someone at the gym. In fact, I have great interest in talking as little as I can to people at the gym. Not that I have anything against gym-goers, heck, I'm a gym-goer myself (wait, wait, the hypocritical part is coming). What I do object to is the general gym culture that exists. The guys with puffed out chests in their muscle-Ts, grunting as they bench press 250. The guys who lift weights in front of the mirror and you know it's not just to make sure they're doing it right. The guys who talk about their workout regime to anyone who'll listen. The women who strut around in body tight spandex, short shorts and midriffs, the women whose gym attire includes makeup and jewelry (ok, so I wore hoops today.. sorry!). I don't go to the guy to socialize or meet people. I go to get in shape. I want to get in, do my thing, and get the hell out of there. Chatting with the other inhabitants of my space just prolongs the process. I don't love the gym, I don't go 7 days a week, and I am not lost without it.

Today I was at the gym doing my thing, on my way to getting the hell out. In fact, I was almost done. Ten minutes left tops. I even had protection thanks to my handy iShuffle. Gym etiquette clearly states that those with earphones shall not be disturbed. I was disturbed. Yes, here is where the hypocritical part comes in. My disturber was disabled. A youngish lad most likely in his early 20s. Came right up to me and started talking. I had to remove my armor to hear him. It was the polite thing to do. He asked me how long I'd been coming to this gym. I answered. He asked if I leaved near. I replied "near enough". He persisted. I tried to nip this in the bud. "I'm sorry, I'm trying to do my workout, thanks." Back go the earphones. He persisted. I wasn't really listening at this point, I was annoyed. I don't like my personal space being invaded. I finally put the headphones back on again and proceeded to ignore him. He finally went away. This disabled man seemed to not only have some physical disability, but also seemed to have some sort of cognitive impairment as well. Had he been non-disabled, older, and, well, hot, I'm not sure I'd have been so, well, rude.

I recognize where he is coming from. I recognize the lack of social skills often seen among disabled. I'm also aware that his disability might have prevented him from having full insight into his actions and how they were perceived by others. I recognize that meeting people and making friends is not something I do easily. But does that mean that because I have a disability and have my own issues related to that that I should be more understanding of others? If I had been nicer to this guy would it have spiraled into a pattern where I would have had to talk to him every time I went to the gym? Or was I just treating him like I'd treat any other invader of my privacy?