It's Thanksgiving weekend and I'm seeing tons of Facebook posts about thankful Canadians being thankful for friends, thankful for family, thankful for friends who become family, thankful for their spouses, thankful for their kids, thankful to live in Canada.
Truth be told, I'm having a little trouble being thankful today. My family doesn't celebrate Thanksgiving. It's not that we're opposed to it, it's just that my family doesn't do a great job at family things. The only holidays we really acknowledge are Christmas and birthdays. And in the past few years birthdays boil down to a call or a text. I spend Christmas with my father and his wife; my brother and his wife do their own thing or spend it with my mother.
I've spent this past year trying harder at entertaining and engaging people. I have hosted a brunch, dinners, tea, game nights, a birthday party. I decided to make a celebration out of inviting people and I sent actual invitations. And people come. But what I notice is that if I don't initiate, nothing happens. I don't get invited. And none of those efforts have brought me closer to having any sort of a social life. Today, on Thanksgiving, as I am home with my cat, I find it difficult to see posts of everyone's Thanksgiving with their families and feel thankful for the friends who come when I invite them.
One friend asked me what I was doing for Thanksgiving and I said "nothing". She said "do you want to be doing something?" I said "it's no big deal"and shrugged or something like that. I don't know if that was a passive way of inviting me, but the moment passed and here I am.
And today I feel like there's no point. What's the point of putting myself out there? Sure people may respond but does it really get me any further to building rapport with people? And do I want to engage people who don't engage me back? What's with that???
Monday, October 09, 2017
Saturday, October 07, 2017
Anger
"Why are you so angry?"
"Don't you think people are just trying to be nice?"
"Why do you always focus on the negative?"
About a year ago I started to post issues about accessibility on my Facebook page. At first I used humour; I posted picture after picture of "accessibility fails" and asked people what they saw. At first the pictures were quite obvious and over the top that it was amusing (have you seen the "terrifying pit to hell"? https://www.reddit.com/r/pics/comments/3h455f/well_im_glad_this_terrifying_pit_into_the_abyss/).
But as time went on I posted less obvious pictures and asked people what they saw. It set the tone for a discussion about accessibility, awareness, exclusion. In my attempts to have non-disabled people understand what people with disabilities face on what can be a daily basis, I started posting personal experiences; anything from a rude bus driver to the really inappropriate questions and things people say to me and everything in between.
For the most part these posts are well received, but every now and then someone comes along and asks one of those 3 questions. And I can feel my anger starting to boil. I try to answer in a way that promotes discussion and learning, not in an angry or belittling way, but the truth is yes, I'm angry an awful lot of the time. Angry at the amount of inaccessibility around me. Angry at the ignorance about it. Angry at the how inaccessibility influences my life. And I'm angry at having to explain why I'm angry all the time. Ok, so I'm not actually angry all the time. And I don't always focus on the negative. And yes, I know that people are indeed, mostly, just trying to be nice and helpful. And in fact I'm not even angry all that often, but if I'm going to be open and talk honestly about disability and accessibility and inclusion, my anger is a big part of that story and people need to understand that.
I'm angry about having to explain things... all... the... time. I get angry when people tell me why I shouldn't feel the way I do. And I'm angry that my anger probably makes things harder to bridge that gap between disabled and non-disabled. It makes people uncomfortable. But would you ask an African American facing racism why he's angry all the time? Would you ask a gay woman facing homophobia why she's always angry? The difference, I know, is that ableism is not so overt. It rarely takes the form of someone actually verbalizing "you are other and lesser because of your disability and you don't belong here". But that's the message inaccessibility gives. That's the message not validating how I feel about my experience gives.
I was really intrigued by people's responses to my posts. Some were lighthearted, some were heartfelt and supportive, some were thankful to get my perspective. And some were questioning whether I was too harsh on people, too sensitive because people were trying to be nice, kind. I see their point, I really do. But I think that answer, though well-meaning, misses the point. You don't get to tell someone with a life-experience that you've never had, that what they experience and feel is wrong. Sure, we all think that about people (or is that just me?). We judge people, whether we mean to or not. We judge people without realizing or acknowledging it. But until you've lived someone's experience (and that never can really happen because no two people necessarily experience the same thing in the same way) you can't justly tell someone their experience is wrong.
I keep thinking about this need I have to educate, to bridge the gap. Doing so with anger is not productive, but doing it because of anger may be, as long as you use the fire of that anger as the catalyst for change and not to just lash out at anyone who doesn't agree with you or understand your story.
"Don't you think people are just trying to be nice?"
"Why do you always focus on the negative?"
About a year ago I started to post issues about accessibility on my Facebook page. At first I used humour; I posted picture after picture of "accessibility fails" and asked people what they saw. At first the pictures were quite obvious and over the top that it was amusing (have you seen the "terrifying pit to hell"? https://www.reddit.com/r/pics/comments/3h455f/well_im_glad_this_terrifying_pit_into_the_abyss/).
But as time went on I posted less obvious pictures and asked people what they saw. It set the tone for a discussion about accessibility, awareness, exclusion. In my attempts to have non-disabled people understand what people with disabilities face on what can be a daily basis, I started posting personal experiences; anything from a rude bus driver to the really inappropriate questions and things people say to me and everything in between.
For the most part these posts are well received, but every now and then someone comes along and asks one of those 3 questions. And I can feel my anger starting to boil. I try to answer in a way that promotes discussion and learning, not in an angry or belittling way, but the truth is yes, I'm angry an awful lot of the time. Angry at the amount of inaccessibility around me. Angry at the ignorance about it. Angry at the how inaccessibility influences my life. And I'm angry at having to explain why I'm angry all the time. Ok, so I'm not actually angry all the time. And I don't always focus on the negative. And yes, I know that people are indeed, mostly, just trying to be nice and helpful. And in fact I'm not even angry all that often, but if I'm going to be open and talk honestly about disability and accessibility and inclusion, my anger is a big part of that story and people need to understand that.
I'm angry about having to explain things... all... the... time. I get angry when people tell me why I shouldn't feel the way I do. And I'm angry that my anger probably makes things harder to bridge that gap between disabled and non-disabled. It makes people uncomfortable. But would you ask an African American facing racism why he's angry all the time? Would you ask a gay woman facing homophobia why she's always angry? The difference, I know, is that ableism is not so overt. It rarely takes the form of someone actually verbalizing "you are other and lesser because of your disability and you don't belong here". But that's the message inaccessibility gives. That's the message not validating how I feel about my experience gives.
I was really intrigued by people's responses to my posts. Some were lighthearted, some were heartfelt and supportive, some were thankful to get my perspective. And some were questioning whether I was too harsh on people, too sensitive because people were trying to be nice, kind. I see their point, I really do. But I think that answer, though well-meaning, misses the point. You don't get to tell someone with a life-experience that you've never had, that what they experience and feel is wrong. Sure, we all think that about people (or is that just me?). We judge people, whether we mean to or not. We judge people without realizing or acknowledging it. But until you've lived someone's experience (and that never can really happen because no two people necessarily experience the same thing in the same way) you can't justly tell someone their experience is wrong.
I keep thinking about this need I have to educate, to bridge the gap. Doing so with anger is not productive, but doing it because of anger may be, as long as you use the fire of that anger as the catalyst for change and not to just lash out at anyone who doesn't agree with you or understand your story.
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