FISH FISH FISH FISH AND MORE FISH!!!!

Ok, so for those of you who haven't gotten it by the title, I'm not really talking about fish. I hate my job. I really, really, really, really, REALLY hate my job!!! It's at the point where I am dreading going in every morning. Sunday I start to get that pit in my stomach. That impending sense of doom feeling. It is true that my position is ending soon and that I will be free. Actually, I have only about 2 weeks left in the position and you can bet I am thanking my lucky stars! The problem is that the SECOND I knew that there was even the POSSIBILITY of this other woman taking over my position, I COMPLETELY and UTTERLY disengaged. My mind was gone, out the door and on vaca!!! I kept thinking "oh god, what if she doesn't take it and I have to come back for a couple more months??" I think I might actually have shot myself. Well, not actually... but I seriously think I could have had some sort of breakdown.

So I found out last week that some of my colleagues have been telling the new woman that they have "reservations" about me. I can handle that. Whatever. Coz truth be known... I HATE MY JOB. So yes, naturally that will reflect in the way I do my job. If I hate something, I cannot do it well. Call it a weakness, call it saving sanity.. whatever.. I cannot do it well if the interest is not there. So hearing that didn't bother me that much, although of course it did a little. Yada yada yada, move to today. I get called in to my boss's office with my manager and apparently I have been spending way too much time on the internet at work. Wow. What can you say to that? This means that they've actually flagged me, because they don't do random checks. It is true that I surf the web at work. It is true I check my email at work. And it's true that 2 of my 5 days of work each week are more down times. However, this is a bit misrepresented. You see, I have the net open on to check my personal email all the time. That doesn't mean I'm checking it all the time, but it's there in the background. I freely admit that. Then a whole discussion starts of how I could better use my time, of which I offer up suggestions. They admit this is useless as I'm leaving the position in 2 weeks. Holy freaking god, people! Holy freaking god!! I have had it. I have totally had it. I need to get out of there so freaking fast it ain't funny. I think this job is shortening my life. If I stay in it long enough chances are I'll probably get hit by a bus or something, as luck would have it. Anyone know a good primal scream therapist?????????

Disability Dos and Don'ts

Don't:

1. Ask us what's wrong with us.
2. Ask us what happened to us.
3. Ask us how we do what we do.
4. Tell us we're awesome for doing the ordinary.
5. Think we're awesome for doing the ordinary.
6. Assume anything.
7. EVER try to freakin' push us before asking if we need help.
8. EVER try to freakin' push us after asking if we need help and we say no.
9. Swear at us when we get pissed off when you don't respect our answer, decision, space (pushing us without asking is as invasive as me going up to you and taking your briefcase out of your hand without asking when you don't know me from Bob).
9. Rush ahead to open doors for us.
10. Apologize for not having helped us in time when it seems we're doing just fine without you.
11. Say stupid things like "I should be doing that for you" when we reach the door first and hold it open for you.
12. EVER pat us on the freakin' head!
13. Ask us what disability we have before getting to know us.
14. Ask us anything disability related before getting to know us "just because you're curious". Who the hell are you, and how important do you think your curiousity is, freak?
15. Ask us if we play basketball.
16. Try to give us money (unless it's a cheque with 6 digits).
17. Tell us how freakin' brave we are unless we just fought a bear.
18. Address our companions when asking questions meant for us.
19. Ask "are you sure?" when we tell you we don't need help.
20. Ask "do you want to go out" if we happen to be sitting by a door.
21. Assume we like to listen to your problems coz we'll "understand" since obviously our lives have been hard like yours, right?
22. Assume that a physical, visual, auditory disability, speech impediment, or other means we couldn't possibly hold a Masters degree, good paying job, own a condo, drive a car, marry, have children, make decisions for ourselves.
23. Shout at us.

Do:

1. Use your freakin' common sense.
2. Talk to us.
3. Get to know us.
4. Listen.
5. Establish some sort of relationship before you ask us anything personal.
6. Allow us to be as independent as we can be.
7. Wait for us to ask for help.
9. Let us open the door for you if we reach it first.
10. Give us a chance before you come barging in to "rescue us".
11. Think twice before you open your mouth.
12. Ask us out for coffee.
13. See us as human beings.
14. See us as women or men.
15. Consider us as wives, husbands, partners, friends, lovers, intellectual equals
16. Relax.
17. Laugh.
18. Be open.
19. Remember that we have to deal with people like you every hour of every day.

Carry on.

Light at the end of the tunnel... hopefully!

I went home from work sick last Thursday with a stomach ache. It was better by Friday but I decided to stay home anyway. It was lovely to have a PJ day. On the Friday morning, my boss called me at home. She starts with "I'm sorry to call you at home when you're sick, but I've just spoken to the union...". I figured with the way things have gone, this couldn't be good. Turns out it was! Sort of. I am replacing someone on maternity leave for a year. I also intensely dislike this placement. Turns out someone is returning from sick leave that was due to stress from their job and they cannot return to their position. As they are permanent, they need to be accomodated. Turns out they are looking at my position. They are able to bump anyone with less seniority than them. Initially they would just do the mat leave if they decide they like the job, possibly keeping it in the end. So she is to be with me part-time for the next month, gradually increasing her hours per day. At the end of the month she gets to decide whether she stays or leaves. On one hand I could choose to be worried about being left with no work, as I would just go back to covering here and there. On the other hand... freakin' yay!!! I don't care about any other choice, I just want out out out of this position! The way I see it, it's a win win situation. I have to make the position look great so she'll take it and bump me out! Woo hoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

What do you say when...

you are in a wheelchair, working at a hospital centre and being passed over for your 6th permanent internal job, and in a feedback session your boss says "what about rehab?". You've interviewed for 2 jobs in rehabilitation but found both interviews extremely odd and uncomfortable. You have never worked in rehab and therefore have no experience and have no idea why your boss would suggest you try for another rehab position ... except...can you guess the reason I'm thinking? Just sayin'...

5 months and counting!

I am seeing The Police! I got tickets to TWO shows!!!! (Yes, I'm THAT crazy!). There is rumour that they may be adding more dates at the end of the tour. Yay!!! I was listening to one of the live bootlegs I have yesterday and I was sooooo excited! I finally got my surgery date, and my main concern was that it would conflict with the concert. That just wouldn't do! But, alas, I am safe. Woo hoo!!

5 months! 5 months and counting!!

Website revamp

Check it out here. Please, please, please, I am begging for info. If you can give me any info about your hometown or places you have travelled or will travel to to add to the list, please please pleaaaaaaase send it on in. A million thank yous for your effort in advance.

Woooooo hoooooo!!!!! It's official!!!!!!!!!

www.thepolicetour.com

I can't breathe! I can't breathe!

The Police are coming! The Police are coming! (Maybe)

OH
MY
GOD!!!!!!!

This is the best news ever!

I am getting set for Sunday night's Grammys because my favourite group of all time are reuniting! As luck would have it, I don't have a recordable DVD player, and no VCR, so I had to troll everyone I knew until I found someone willing and able to record it on a DVD for me. And there is consensus around the 'net that they will be announcing a Europe/US tour afterwards!!!! I have dreamed about this for oh my god 23 years! And like I have like no problem like admitting that like I am like a total like teenybopper when it like comes to like the like Police! Forget condo expenses, I guess I better start saving because there was no word on Canada being in that tour line-up. I am in shock. I am excited. I am cautious. I will believe it when I see it. But oh if it's not true, those around me better watch out for some major Fallout!!! And if it IS true, those around me better be prepared for some major hyperness!!!

OH
MY
GOD!!!!!!!

Not my baby...

I was reading another blog (http://midlifeandtreachery.blogspot.com/) today and this made me think. I have a colleague at work who I often have tea with in the morning. The other day she was telling me about her life and she confided that she had gotten pregnant with her first husband. She found out this child had Down Syndrome and subsequently aborted the baby. She noticed as she told me this that I was visably affected. She said she had been hesitant to tell me because of my own disability. I was taken aback, and I did try not to show it. I do believe, as readers of my previous posts will note, in pro-choice. I agree that it is her choice whether to abort or not, and believe it or not I do understand her decision. But a part of me still took her decision very personally. You can be friends, family, partner, colleague to someone with a disability and care for them, love them, be incensed at the injustice they endure, but it's a whole different issue when you are about to give birth to a child with a disability. Not my baby. And to be brutally honest, I think that's part of what's fundamentally wrong with our society. Disability is fine as long as it affects someone else. Which begs the question of how acceptable disability "really" is in our society? How can it not affect us when we hear that our family, friends, colleagues don't want a disabled baby? And how do we keep respect for personal decisions when it touches something that is so personal to us? I like this person. I think she's a good person and I hope to maintain a close relationship with her, at least at work. But it still hurts to know that she felt having a down syndrome baby was a sign that this baby wasn't mean to be. She is since divorced and remarried with a healthy baby, and I am happy for her. But I am still left feeling a little less because of what she told me.

Subhuman standards once again

I went to this play on the weekend with 2 friends. I had been to this theatre before with no problem. They have this contraption that they bring out that is like a little platform that they put on the aisle slope so you can wheel on it and make it even. The last time I went, they put this right beside the person I was sitting with. This weekend there were big problems with that. Apparently the fire marshall was enforcing strict regulations of wheelchairs not being put in the aisles. This is pretty standard in Canada. However, I was not told this when I made my reservations. And considering I was able to sit near my friend the last time, I assumed I would be able to do so again. Not the case. The platform had to be set up, not only against the wall on the other side of the aisle, but a few rows down as the entrance was right where the bought seats were. I voiced discontentment and the reply was immediately "we have no choice, there are regulations from the fire marshall we must follow". There was no apology, no voiced understanding of my frustrations. Most importantly, no clarification of this when I called to buy the tickets in the first place. They are talking about renovating the place to include taking out a row in the front for wheelchairs, but this would still not allow your companion to sit beside you, it would require them to sit behind you in the next row. Oh, and to top things off? Where is the accessible entrance to the theatre??? Yep, right next to the dumpster. Classy, eh? I am so sick and tired of less than adequate plans made to accomodate people with disabilities. I am so sick and tired of people spewing off excuses such as fire marshall regulations. Granted, I understand fire marshall regulations are real, but I do not for an instant believe that there is not a way to accomodate wheelchairs AND fire safety regulations. It can be done, it just takes some thought and work, people. God forbid. One of my friends I went with was actually more incensed than I was. I will, however, be writing a letter about this. Not impressed, folks. Not impressed.

So this is hell...

Well, remember about a year ago when I wrote that entry about a friend who wasn't really a friend and never replied to me when I said it upset me I never saw her? Well, lucky me. I get to see her Monday to Friday now. She is the lucky recipient of the last permanent position I applied to. We now get to work in the same building. I've already seen her 3 times since last week. It's been real fun. I actually said hello the first and third time, as I passed her by because it took me by surprise. The second time I just passed by without a word. Can you say awkward? Oh, and I meet tomorrow with my boss and my manager to discuss a complaint. Again. Could I feel any smaller? Yep. This is hell.

Work sucks!

Wow, haven't posted for over a month. Time sure does fly. A lot has happened, but I just haven't felt like blogging lately, so I've let it slide. But, to be honest, it's 3:10, I'm at work, and I don't feel like being here, so I am blogging to waste time.

Well, I'm in my new condo and things are going well. I am toooooooootally house poor now, but I just paid off my visa bill in the full yesterday, so I am feeling pretty relieved about that. Debt makes me nervous. I had my first thing break already... a kitchen cupboard hinge came out of the wood. Curtains aren't up yet, but are in the works. I have a list of a whole bunch of stuff to be done and bought, but I'm deferring most of it so I can put it on my Christmas list. And I'm getting a kitty! I'm a bit nervous... I hope I don't kill it by neglect ;).

Work is work. I'm in a position now I don't really love. I interviewed for my 5th try at a permanent position since working here (7th in total, including covering positions) only to be turned down once again. I am getting discouraged. Very discouraged. Office politics. Office rumours. I heard the person who got the job applied after the deadline. All sorts of stuff like that. Makes me wonder if they see me fitting into this organization. I've been here long enough to be the casual now with the most seniority, but I've been told that seniority doesn't always play a big part in the hiring process. My supervisor (who is not involved in the hiring process) tells me to take what I hear with a grain of salt and that there is no foul play involved in the process. It's hard to believe her sometimes. I made an appointment to sit down with my boss and get some feedback to see how I'm doing, if I'm improving in the interview process, and ask what it's going to take to become permanent. It's hard to keep going for interviews when I keep losing out to other applicants.

Blah!

Speaking of abortion...

Ok, I'm going a bit interactive here. This is probably a loaded question, but I'm assuming that most (certainly not all ;)) of my readers are disabled. What are your thoughts on pre-screening fetuses for disabilities? Do you think this is okay in any circumstance? What about aborting a fetus due to a known or suspected disability? Black and white? Grey? Thoughts...?

Demonstrate this!!

Today I passed a little demonstration on anti-abortion. It was very small, maybe 5 people. They were all carrying the usual signs of "stop the killing" and "life begins at (such and such) days after conception", etc. It made me really angry. I truly fail to see how saving life at all cost is the better choice. One sign said something about adoption being a choice. Yes, it's true. It's a choice. But it's not the idyllic choice always that people may think. There are tons of kids in the foster care system here and in orphanage's abroad. These kids are not always treated so rosily. They are neglected, used for money, abused. Now, this is not true of every case obviously, but if you're going to choose a side, you really have to be aware of all the elements. What if a woman is raped? Is it really in the kid and mother's best interest to promote that she go through with that pregnancy? 100% of the time?

I heard about a case in the US a few weeks ago where this woman was raped in a park. She went to the ER and did a rape kit. It wasn't until she left that a friend asked her if she had been given the morning-after pill. She hadn't been. In her trauma, she hadn't even thought of it. So, the next day they called back and asked to get a prescription from the doctor who saw her. Turned out it was against his beliefs so he denied her the pill. That is very, very, VERY dangerous, folks. In no way should one's beliefs impinge on another person. EVER. Can you imagine the feelings that would come along with carrying to term a baby that reminds you of your rape every single day? Whether you keep that baby or not. And, on top of that, if you choose to give it away, imagine how that could add to the trauma. I would doubt most mothers who give up their kids for adoption just stop thinking about those kids.

The reasoning was that any doctor is supposed to do what is best for their patient and at the time that someone is pregnant, the doctor has two patients. Well, I don't think denying abortion is necessarily best for both a mother and the child. These people are thinking about the unborn fetus and only the unborn fetus. The mother is not cared for. If she considers abortion, she is demonized by anti-abortionists, including doctors who are anti-abortion.

I think we all need to get off our moral high-horse and let people do what they want with their own freakin' bodies. We should NOT have a right to say what people do to themselves, and that includes suicide, obesity, self-wounding. We should offer people support, options, and follow-up, but it is up to them to decide what to do in the end. I have my own beliefs. They should not matter to anyone else. I watched a show on child molesters a few weeks ago. One interviewed did not see anything wrong with that. He said children are sexual beings and should be allowed to express that. I believe that even very young kids explore their bodies and their sexuality in ... very.... simple.... ways. Touching mommy's breast, etc. Under no circumstances do I believe that a child has the capacity to understand that he wants to have sex with an adult. That is wrong. That is sick. Period. Those kids need protests, signs, protection.

But that's minors. Unborn children are not born yet. I don't believe fetuses within the safe abortion age range need protecting. Save the abused children, saved the starving children, save the planet, save the abused people, save the animals, save the rainforest, help the poor, help your family, help your freinds, help your neighbour. Leave the fetuses alone.

Personal space

For someone who used to be very anti-blogging, I'd like to note that this is my fiftieth post and I've been at it almost a year. I think a little "eating of words" is in order. Ahem.

Having said that, I'll move right along to today's rant. Personal space. This is a tricky one as it is different for each person, dependent on their experience, upbringing, culture, customs, or any other number of issues. I work as a social worker and I am constantly confronted by people who use space in all sorts of different ways. Some take up waaaaay too much. Others seem insecure to even take an extra millimetre. Some expect you to take more, others expect you to shut the hell up. It's amazing that so many of us can click. Connect on that intimate level. Find others who share our space perspective. Or just not care about the fact that others' space ideas are different from our own.

This morning I had to go for a blood test and a urine culture (that's a whole other story.. urine culture containers are NOT female friendly! I feel like I need a bath). I was not allowed to eat before this test so by the time it was done, I was famished. In line for breakfast, I someone behind me in line was leaning on my chair. By the time I looked around they were gone, but I have to say that is a HUGE pet peeve of mine. It is one thing for someone who knows you very well to do that, but I get very offended when strangers do it. It's like an extension of me and I really resent that people don't respect that. I have never actually mustered up enough courage to say something when I find people doing that. Instead I revert back to the evil look. That's my thing. I've got that evil look mastered. Except for the "having it work" part. It often works, but not always. Is this a pet peeve of anyone else? Are you vocal about it? What do you do? Is it wrong to expect people to see that as personal space and to stay away?

Bast****!!!!!

Ok, well maybe that's a little harsh, but I'm in a bad mood today. No reason, just a general "everything sucks" mood. I have not heard back from the news program that was going to do my story on the inaccessible condo. I have called and emailed and the woman who initially contacted me is not returning my calls. I think that's really unprofessional. And I'm pissed off. In my last message, I said I just wanted to know if the story was going ahead or not, that was all. No response.

Work has gotten better, but I feel a bit burned out. And that pisses me off.

Things are not going all that badly, but lately I just seem to notice the negative side of everything and THAT pisses me off. I piss me off. Last weekend I bought some Halloween candy and I didn't enjoy it... that may have started the pissy ball rolling. I'm not even PMSing, so I can't even blame that. I wonder if there's a post MSing condition?

WhatEVer!

Anyone want to make a million dollars??

Okay, well maybe not a million, but I think there is an untapped market here that would be very fruitful! You've heard me gripe about this before, and I thought it only fitting that since I just posted about winter coats, I follow that with a post about winter gloves!

I have yet to find the perfect pair of winter gloves. That is the understatement of the century. I go through gloves pretty quickly, or I make due with cold, wet, clammy hands. As a wheelchair user in a particularly cold, wet and snowy climate, I am appalled to find that there seems to be no such thing as "Canadian winter" wheelchair gloves. I did a search for winter wheelchair gloves and I found these things made in Britain that were probably great for British winters, but may only suffice here on a cold, rainy fall day. I am talking wet, slushy, thick snow that coats your hands as fast as it coats your wheels. Wheeling even a block in such condition is impossible. Okay, well it's possible, but frostbite is not fun, folks. When your gloves are cold and soaked through wet, you cannot wait until they dry to wheel the rest of the way. All you can do is wheel a few feet and wait until the painful tingling in your fingertips stops and you can feel again for another few feet.

I really would like to find someone who would be able to make these wonder gloves. Here are the requirements:

1. COMPLETELY WATERPROOF. Rubbery sounds good, except it impinges on requirement #2...
2. NON-LATEX. As many wheelchair users (especially those with spina bifida) have latex allergies.
3. GOOD GRIP. When you're wheel is wet, it is hard to get a grip sometimes. And when you're wheeling through snow, even harder. The gloves would need some sort of grip material on the palm.
4. WARM. They would need some sort of warm lining to keep the hands warm while the gloves are in contact with the wet, slushy snow.


Four things. That's not a lot to ask. Is it? Anybody out there have superiour sewing abilities? :)

Deadly winter coats

I dread looking for a winter coat. There are so many factors to consider. First off, it has to be warm, obviously. Secondly, it has to be some sort of water resistant material. Water resistant to the point where my cuffs, which are grinding along the wheels as I wheel, stay dry and don't soak through. The cuffs on most shirts, sweaters, coats, are the first to go. They wear through and start to look pretty ratty when the rest of the piece is absolutely fine. If it's not water resistant, and is some sort of clothlike material, that's just asking for trouble. It gets soggy and your clothes underneath get soggy and it's just generally pretty darn ugly. And even if it's water resistant, it REALLY needs to be water resistant. Most "water resistant" labelled stuff doesn't pass the Ranter test. I am pretty hard on my sleeves, especially in winter. Sure, it may resist water for the average Joe who is just merely touching snow or rain. With my wheeling, I rub and grind it in. Pushing one's wheelchair in snow/slush can be hard work. Thirdly, the item in question cannot contain any latex. This hasn't been too much of a problem for me, but occasionally, like today, I hit a snag. I received my LL Bean catalogue and was flipping through looking for winter jackets that I could add to my Christmas list. Last year I received a jacket as a present and had to return it because it was riddled with latex! The snap covers, the zipper pull thing... even an LL Bean logo on the front was indeed latex. This year, I thought I'd be smart. I made a note of all the possible winter jackets I wanted and emailed LL Bean with the catalogue item numbers and asked if these items contained latex. Their answer was that there were so many chemicals used in the process of making their jackets, they couldn't confidently tell me if their jackets had latex or not. I've bought from LL Bean before, without questioning the latex factor. In fact my current winter jacket is LL Bean, as is my rain jacket. I have never had a problem until last year's jacket. Obviously the chemicals they use in processing their jackets do not bother me unless they have specific latex parts on them. Oh, sometimes when I wear down the cuff too much, the elastic shows through (even just a tiny pin prick) and I get little white bumps on my wrist. That happened to last year's jacket, so I went to a tailor who put leather reinforcement on the cuffs to cover the hole.

But really though, is it too much to ask companies to list the ingredients used making their clothes? Just like foods. Are not these same chemicals used in all jackets or most? I hope this current jacket lasts a few more years.

Give me a freakin' chance first, sheesh!

I've had a rough week. As you saw in my previous post, I got more work replacing someone on a maternity leave. I have not started that position yet, although I've been working in that unit a couple mornings a week as part of my present job which I've had for about 5 1/2 months. To prepare me for a full-time position there for the next year, my manager wants to send me to a bunch of training, which I've been doing. That will go on sporadically for a couple weeks. I have none this coming week thankfully. I will start the new full-time position mid-October, as that's when my current contract ends and when the person I'm presently replacing will be coming back. The person who left the position I will take over mid-October left 2 weeks ago. They have not been able to provide proper coverage for her position since she left for the past 2 weeks. Therefore, you guessed it, it's been left up to me to cover both my present position AND the other position. They tried to get coverage. They found someone, but she was only available 2 days a week for the past 2 weeks. As of this coming week she'll be there 4 days a week. Also, as of this coming week, part of my present job will disappear as there will be a new person starting in a recently created new position to alleviate some of the workload.

Following so far?

With the new person starting, and someone providing coverage on the other position 4 days a week, my workload will decrease until I start my new position. However, the past 2 weeks have been hellish and I've been pretty overloaded.

So earlier this week, I get called into my boss's office and she's there with my unit manager. They have concerns that I haven't been giving as much attention to the position I will be doing full-time in mid-October. Specifically they mentioned one case I had worked on. My manager received a complaint that I had done only superficial work. My manager asked the complaintant if I had done what they had asked of me. I had. She then asked the complaintant if I had reported back to her when I had done what they had asked of me. I had. My manager then asked what the problem was then. The response was that I hadn't done that "extra" bit. I hadn't fished for more information, I hadn't asked if there was anything more they wanted me to do with that.

I was flabbergasted. I did not see this coming at all! And, quite frankly, I think it is unfair. I had to be very professional though and keep my cool. So, I validated what they told me. I told them that I agreed that perhaps I did not give the case as much attention as I could have. I explained that I had gone to another department that had dealt with that case the same day to get some background information. I had called the person in question and gotten some details. I reported back to the person who asked me to do this what I had done and what still needs follow-up from her. And then I left. I reiterated that I have essentially been doing 2 positions when I already felt that my present position as it is is too much (and such has been reduced with the addition of the new position). I informed them that time was a factor. I didn't have time to document what I had done yet (and I had been called by the complaintant before the day's end to ask if I had documented yet), but I did by the end of the day, as I had planned to do.

What pissed me off was that even after I said that, while I don't expect a pat on the back, there was no recognition of the fact that I've been doing all this extra load and that it is impossible to give everything full attention. Oh, I had initially asked if this were something that needed to be done that day, or if it could wait until next week when there would be proper coverage for that position. They said it could not wait, and that was fine. When you do emergency coverage you do what needs to be done then, but anything that can wait will wait until the person you're covering for comes back. That question of mine was interpreted by the complainant as me being reluctant to do the task asked. Well, darn freaking right I was reluctant! I have a 2x caseload, TYVM!

I talked about it with my superviser in supervision yesterday and I felt better. I tend to take things personally, and it helped to remove me from the situation and recognize that it's more a reflection of my manager's expectations. The thing is, how I'm doing in that position now while I'm doing this other position too, is not reflective of how I'll work when I'm solely in that new position and can give it my full attention. I felt they judged me, and did it too quickly. I now will have to show them that once I'm in that position, they were wrong about me.

Now that it's a couple days later and I've had my supervision, today I am ANGRY!! I already had reservations about working in this department, but now I'm in it and I feel like they've already decided I'm not up to par. During that meeting, my manager said she had gone around to others in the department to ask them their impression of me. That's fine, but then she told me. "so and so says you're very approachable and easy to work with, but they don't see you around here in the department very often." Again.... 2X caseload, people!!!

I have a feeling it's going to be a long year.

Here we go again

I had my 5th interview for an internal job at the place I work. For the 5th time, I didn't get it. Instead, my boss asked if I am interested in covering someone going on a maternity leave for a year. It's in the same general department as the other permanent job I didn't get. I'll probably end up taking it, but when you cover someone for a year you don't get any benefits as you're not a permanent staff member. No vacation pay, no sick pay, no holiday pay. If you don't work, you don't get $$$. The compensation for that is extra pay in lieu of, which is pretty good. However, the other down side is that you can't apply for a permanent job for the first 6 months of being in a long-term casual position. That sucks. Going from contract to contract with that restriction makes it hard to get the permanent positions. Damn damn damn damn damn. There's also a very good chance the person I'm covering may not come back to that position after her maternity leave, as she wants part-time. Obviously this means that I could apply for the position I'd be in for the next year at the end. It's just also not one of the areas that I've enjoyed the most. But, I do have a mortgage to pay and a new condo to tend to. So maybe I should just stop whining, shut up and take the damn job. It's not such a bad alternative, I know. I'm just tired of being second choice all the time. I'm not afraid of paying my dues and earning my spot, but.. over 2 years and 5 interviews within the same place. It's frustrating. My boss did tell me that I did a great job during the interview and that I've improved a lot in the interview process and that I did take all her feedback into consideration from the last time and acted on it. That's good, really. But damn it, I want my turn at stability! I know... whine, whine, whine ;).

Then, on Thursday, while waiting for the bus, I ran into a woman from the place I worked for a bit last winter. You remember the same indecision I wrote about back then, I'm sure. Anyway, she called me on Friday and said they had lots of work and that she could almost guarantee 100% that I would become permanent. I have to call her back Monday, but I know I still don't want to work there. As frustrating as it is to wait out the jobs where I am now, I am happy there. I feel stimulated.