Disability Rants

Ho hum...

2008-09-07T11:33:00.003-04:00

I've been feeling really down lately and refraining from posting because I don't want all my posts to be about how my life sucks. I am in the last week of my contract and I will miss this job, although it has been crazy crazy crazy busy. I am really tired and could really use some time off, but the good news is, as of next week, I will be starting a new PERMANENT job! And guess what population it's with?... for those of you who have read my previous posts, you'll understand my hesitance when I say... "rehab!". Yes, I applied for the job, it's true. But I know that's where my boss has seen me all along (and you think my disability had anything to do with that??). So, while I am extremely happy to at least have an in (and that is exactly why I decided to apply to the position in the first place... use my boss' wishes to my advantage) and can apply to other positions as they come up. Actually, only half of my job will deal with disability, the other is a different type of rehab (and no, not alcohol ;)). So, we'll see how it goes. The pace and work will be very different from what I'm doing now, and that will be a welcome break. So yay benefits! Boo loss of pay in lieu of benefits!

As for why I've been feeling down, as usual, I am stuck. I've previously mentioned that most of my friends have either moved away or had babies this year. Of the two who moved away, I was really close to one, not so close to the other. And since they've been gone, I have hardly heard from either. The one who I was close to actually came back into town and I received an email from another close friend of hers saying she was organizing a dinner out (her usual big do with 20 of her closest friends... which is just not the type of thing an introvert like me enjoys). I opted not to go for 2 reasons. One was precisely because of the number of people invited and I knew I'd maybe get to talk to her for 5 minutes. The other was I was a little miffed that she didn't call or email me herself. Not to tell me she was coming, not to say hi when she was actually here. Since she moved away almost a year ago, I have had a few emails, and one phone call. She never gave me her new cell phone #, and she's never home to answer her home phone (left 2 messages). It's left me really hurt.

My pregnant or newly mommied friends are all into their kids, obviously. When we meet we don't really talk about much other stuff. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy for them, truly, but I miss my social life, what little of it there actually was. And I feel helpless to change this pattern of meeting people, becoming friends, and they either not liking me, or me not liking them. I've been contemplating counseling, but part of me is hesitant for 2 reasons; 1, I've been in therapy before, for about 7 years for the same issues. 2, with my new permanent job comes the substantial pay cut and I don't know if I'll be able to afford it. I will be starting some new activities in the fall, so it'll be nice to get busy again and meet some new people, but I always feel like I'm starting again. Of the two friends I have who are not pregnant or moving away, one I could call up and do stuff with, but I don't really enjoy being around her. I wish I did, it would make my life much easier. But I don't. And there's no point hanging with someone you just don't want to be around.

Anyway, forgive the whiny post. I obviously need to do something to get off this whiny downward spiral, just not sure what yet.

Does anyone have an extra social life to spare?

2008-08-10T09:25:00.003-04:00

In the last 12 months, there has been a baby boom in my city. I can name about 15 people who have had a baby. Among my friend circle, which wasn't huge to begin with, 2 have moved away, 2 have had babies, and one is currently pregnant. There remain 2 who are not likely to become pregnant nor move away. The thing is, I don't see them that often. One of the two is someone I find it increasingly difficult to be around and I don't really contact her much anymore. The other is a friend, but someone I don't see all that often. The summer has, well, sucked. Big time. Not only do I have no social life whatsoever, it has rained, rained, rained, and, oh yeah, rained. We're approaching mid-August and I feel like I've had absolutely no summer at all. Add to that the fact that I've not taken any time off work due to the fact that I don't get vacation pay. The position I've been covering for over 6 months became available, but, as my luck would have it, someone with 15+ years experience at my place of work also applied. She's actually done my job for about 6 of those years. So, I didn't stand a chance. So now I'm applying for her job. It's not somewhere I really want to be, but it's in an area my boss really wants me, so I figured I may as well give it a try and if I get it, I can try it for a while, and apply to move internally if I don't like it. I feel very much like I have no control over my life these days. There are all these things I'd like to do, but they are all hinging on other things. I'm one who usually doesn't mind spending time with myself, but right now I'm pretty sick of myself!

Found it!

2008-07-24T19:20:00.001-04:00

Here's a link to the advertisement in question:

Maybe One Day video.

Tell me what you think.

Stupid commercials on disability

2008-07-18T20:50:00.004-04:00

There's a new advertising campaign put out by some people (haven't paid enough attention to take note of who exactly is promoting this) promoting hiring people with disabilities. Honestly, I find these commercials extremely embarrassing and condescending. There's one where this woman with some disability (down syndrome or something like it... sorry, I'll have to pay more attention next time and clarify), and this customer is being really condescending saying things like "it's great that you people can find jobs" etc.. It's so stereotypically simple, it's embarrassing to watch. I cringe when I see it. Yes, I agree that some people don't think people with disabilities can work, etc, but I'm not a big supporter of the "in your face" approach. I think there's something intrinsically wrong with a commercial telling society that people with disabilities are human beings and have value in that tone. Sure, many people have preconceived ideas of what someone with a disability can or can't do, but I really don't think an in your face commercial is going to help. In fact, it was such a stupid commercial, I think it could be more damaging than not.

Actually, I have trouble with any commercial that tells you how you should see someone. Are we really that stupid that we need advertising to get involved?? Wait, don't answer that.

I can't seem to find a video of the commercial in question. If anyone can find a link to it, please let me know! Here are some links to some other pro-disability commercials. The MADD ones make me particularly squeamish. I'd like to hear your comments!

Disability Means Possibility
Disability Awareness
MADD commercial

I can't help but love the Wallace and Gromitness of this commercial, but still...

Leonard Chershire Disability Creature Discomforts

Dry spell

2008-06-18T21:38:00.002-04:00

Howdy folks,

It seems I've hit a dry spell. It's been almost 10 months that I've hardly posted anything. I've been wracking my brain for things to say. It's not that I don't have fodder in my life. I do, for sure. I just feel uninspired to write. The thing I've been struggling with most lately is the fact that most of my friends, in the past year, have either moved away or gotten pregnant/had babies. I am left with 2 friends who will not be having babies, although one of those will probably move away in the future. Though that may be a good thing because I find more and more she's not someone I enjoy spending a lot of time with. So that leaves my social life kind of a solo act these days, which sucks.

I've been ruminating a lot lately about finding that balance between accepting my neuroticism, and making myself not too scary to others. Still looking. I've also been ruminating about adopting a kid. It's been on the burner for a while, but it's just not an option, financially, at the moment.

I read a comment from someone saying they are reading this and other blogs because their nephew has a disability. I think that's great. It's so important to be informed and start to think about what this person may need for the rest of their life. I think people, for the most part, see people with disabilities differently than they did when I was growing up. And I think the change is for the better. Schools seem to make more effort to integrate people with disabilities into regular classrooms, rather than assuming they all need special education. And there are less physical barriers at school, though of course many still exist. Most schools seem to have wheelchair access now, as opposed to a chosen few.

I think, equally important, is to treat that person as "normal" as possible, without being TOO strict about it. For example, I used to work in an environment that had a lot of disabled children. The parents would often tell me that they know they "should" be letting their children do more things on their own (dress and push themselves), but it often took longer and they just wanted to get things done quicker so they could leave the house on time, etc. In my opinion, this is a HUGE, HUGE problem! I saw so much of myself in these kids, although I had a mother who tried to force me to be more independent than perhaps I should have, which was the opposite extreme. I saw teenagers who were urine-soaked, unkempt, generally unclean. I saw kids who were spoiled, whose parents hovered over them to overcompensate for the fact their child had no friends or "less opportunities". Kids whose social skills were less than par.

I don't have the magic answer to anything really. But I think if parents of disabled children can remain aware that their child is the same as all other children, yet different. They will have talents and abilities that others don't have, no matter what they may be. Feed that, but not to an unrealistic proportion. If I brought a drawing home when I was a kid, my dad would praise me for it, no matter if it were just a straight line in black and put it on the fridge. My mom would praise me if it were really good and put it on the fridge, otherwise would say thanks and it woudl end up in a drawer. There has to be a happy medium there somewhere. All kids need to feel self worth, and they only get this by people being genuine to them. If family treats them differently than that, for better or worse, spoiling and overpraising, or neglecting or over-criticizing, then the self-worth is in danger of running amok.

To all you parents of children with disabilities: Good luck! You've got a tough job ahead of you. But rest assured that, no matter what you do, how fair and supportive, and equal you try to be, it's a constant process of trial and error. But there are so many resources out there now for info and support, which didn't exist as abundantly in the past. Use them. Learn. And keep going.

Ooey gooey messy magical Duoderm

2008-04-09T07:01:00.002-04:00

So I've got a pressure sore. My occupational therapist had made some changes to my chair a few months back. One of them was to put a board under my Roho cushion. Since then I keep getting pressure sores on my coccyx. I've removed the board as a result, and hope this doesn't cause more problems with my back/shoulder/neck pain as it puts me a bit lower in the new hard back I have on my chair. I've always had foldable backs. But my toushie skin must be looked after too. So I'm using Duoderm. It's wonderful in the sense that nothing I've ever tried has ever worked as wonderful as it. It's almost magical that way. However, Duoderm's downfall is that it's messy. As it interacts with the pressure sore, it gets gooey and leaks. And the odour is foul. The rub is that Duoderm only seems to work optimally if you leave it on for about 3 days before changing it. The goo is needed in the healing process. So I keep adding tape around the leakage parts and wash around it. However, taking showers and getting it wet seems to impede the effectiveness of the tape and makes it easier for the goo to seep out. It's a huge nuisance, especially if you work and have to interact around people, wondering if it's oozing. Does anyone else have this problem? Are there any Duoderm secrets that people have for making it work best?

Chronic Pain

2008-04-02T15:34:00.002-04:00

So I've got this bad shoulder. I can remember clearly the exact moment it appeared too. I was walking home one March evening from dinner with a friend. There wasn't any pain, it was just this tired feeling that went right up my left arm. In the 5 years that have followed, I have seen 4 physios and 1 occupational therapist. All have pretty much given up. The verdict? I'll probably have to live with this from now on.

But I've been thinking. I spent a long, long amount of time with the occupational therapist going over changes in my chair. We changed the back from a soft foldable back to a hard one. They changed the canes on the back of my chair to angled ones because it was felt that part of the problem, aside from outright overuse of my arms in general, was that my arm hit the cane as I was reaching back to grab the wheel and stopped my arm from going back in the direction it should naturally go in. The interesting thing was, in this whole process, I have found it incredibly difficult to identify and verbalize exactly where and when the pain comes and if it gets better or worse over time. I think my O.T. was incredibly frustrated with me. I'd try a back and it felt fine for a while, and then just when I thought it was good, after about 10 days it started to hurt. Excruciatingly.

So we finally settled on this hard J-something back and I can't say unequivocally that it is better than my old back. Sure, I do notice some difference, like more support to my lower back. But I still have the shoulder and arm pain. I'm actually home from work today as a result of it. Although it may have been aggravated by lifting my Macbook repeatedly in the past 2 weeks with my bad arm only. I've stopped doing that to see if it makes a difference. One thing I do notice is that my height was a problem. I'm really short and I wasn't hitting the right parts of the back, even when it was installed as low as possible on the chair. It wasn't custom made for this particular chair. To add height and stability, my O.T. added a wooden board under my ROHO cushion. Even with a medium profile ROHO, I still get pressure sores on my coccyx with the board.

It's been a really frustrating few years. And I can't help but think the inevitable outcome will be an electric chair soon. I'd like to try these swanky Motion wheels that have batteries in them and give you more push for your push. I tried them out and they were awesome! The problem? $6,500!!! Did I mention I don't have insurance?

Help, I've fallen and I can't stop eating

2008-03-04T21:10:00.002-05:00

I have been attending weight watchers for 1 1/2 years and have lost 28 pounds. The first 20 pounds were easy. The next 8 were excruciatingly different. I have another 7 to go. Except I don't. I melted. It started with having to bake for a certain function. I should have said no, but I wanted to be a team player, so I baked. And I ate. And I ate. That was 3 weeks ago. And I'm still eating. I haven't been on a bender like this in a long, long time. I had gotten really far with changing my eating habits and thinking of this as a way of life, and not a diet. I am of the mentality that diets don't work. However, I'm a very short person and I was down to 117. It got to the point where I was following the program and not losing any more weight. For months. And months. Almost a year, in fact. I was so close, but it was feeling too restrictive and not fun anymore. I was starting to worry too much about everything that I was bound to collapse. And I did. Astronomically. I gained 12 pounds in 2 1/2 weeks. Now, I know a lot of that is water retention as I've stopped drinking as much water. I have been trying to get back on track for about 2 weeks and I just can't kick myself to do it. I stopped going to the gym, stopped going to meetings. Every day i say today will be the day, but I keep eating crap and to an extent that I just feel like crap all the time. I need to find a balance between eating healthily and feeling satisfied. Hopefully I'll get back on track soon.

Thinking about happiness...

2008-02-24T11:45:00.002-05:00

Hello folks. Yes, I am alive and well. I just haven't felt inspired to blog in the past few months. Not that things haven't been going on, they certainly have. Let me catch you up, and then I'll go on to some ruminations I've been doing of late.

Well, I had a whirlwind summer and fall with The Police tour. I know I've posted in the fall, but some things I didn't mention. I will have witnessed about half a dozen shows by the end of the tour. It's been an amazing experience. And, as I am not about to post pictures of myself, you'll have to take my word for this next part. I had the good fortune to find out where they were staying in one city and staked out the hotel in the less than tepid weather. I was the only one there waiting. At first none of the hotel staff said anything to me, and I didn't say anything to them, as I was afraid they would try to get me to leave. But they didn't. The chauffer was waiting for a while and we started to chat and he agreed to take a picture of me with the boys if they agreed. So finally, after about 2 1/2 hours of waiting, Stewart came out. I meekly called out and asked if I could get an autograph. He obliged, but wasn't very friendly, I must say. He also allowed the chauffer to take a picture of us. Then a few minutes later Sting came out and ... same thing, except Sting was just absolutely lovely! He was very friendly and chatted a bit. Turns out Andy didn't come out until later, so I had to keep waiting, but ended up getting autographs and pictures of all 3! I've only waited since 1981.. if nothing else, I have stamina! ;)

And I went back home and reunited with a bunch of people I reconnected with on Facebook. Including "The Guy". We went to dinner, just the two of us, and it was really nice. We stayed out a couple hours. It was comfortable, but it was casual. I didn't bring any expectations with me, and I left with none. We still keep in contact on Facebook, but I'm not expecting us to be best friends. Whatever it is, it is, and I'm okay with that.

I'm still working at the hospital, in an area I enjoy. I'm in a contract until June, so it's not permanent, but I am recognizing the value of being somewhere I want, doing something I like. It was tough at first because I stopped talking to a lot of the people I thought I was close to at work. One woman I thought was a close friend turned out not to be. In hindsight, I should have seen that. It took a while to adjust. I didn't know how to act around them, but I was able to get myself finally to a place where I can be polite, say hello, chit chat, but not go beyond that. Workplace friendships can go sour, but you still have to work together. No matter what happens, you can't take it personally or it reflects on your work. I'm just concentrating now on the work, and showing my boss I'm in the right area and I am a worthy employee. And I like that task.

But it hasn't been all rosy and enlightening. I find my circle of friends has diminished this year. My closest friend here moved away, as did another friend. My other closest friend had a baby, as did another friend. So that's 4 friends I saw frequently that I don't see much anymore. I have 2 others that I still see often, but the social life has taken a beating. I've been thinking a lot about happiness lately, and what it takes to achieve that. Some people are more prone to it, and seem to find it wherever, no matter what life throws at them, while others struggle along.

I have experienced depression. About 15 years ago, I experienced some changes and losses, and went into a depression that lasted about 3 months. I didn't want to eat, I had panic attacks almost every night and was afraid to go to sleep as a result. I was getting by on 3 1/2 to 4 hours sleep every night, lost 20 pounds. I cried all the time. Yet, deep down, I knew this was a phase I was going through, that I would get through. I never doubted that for a second. And I was right. I started behaviour therapy and learned how to relax. I learned that I could control the panic attacks, and they stopped. Immediately.

Yet, even though I have managed to avoid deep depression, I am left with an eternal grey. I ended up going on anti-depressants some time after that episode, even though I wasn't in the throes of a deep depression. And they helped. Except for the fact that I wanted to sleep all the time and they made my head queazy when I missed a dose.

I don't want to return to anti-depressants. I want to learn to be happy on my own. But I don't have the foggiest idea how to do that. I've tried to make friends, but I keep making the wrong ones, or the good ones move away. I have a history of making friends that I don't want to continue to be friends with. I either cut them out of my life, or they cut me. I'd like to have a relationship with someone, but I have no idea how to do that either. I've grown so accustomed to my being alone, that I've led myself to believe that no one I'm interested in could feel that way about me and all my quirks and hang-ups, not to mention the physical disability and all it encompasses. I have never had an easy time with friendships or relationships with family. How on earth does one get past all that crap and lead a healthy life with all that that entails?

Yet, people do. I know it's possible. But a large part of me has given up. And that's one of the biggest obstacles. Sure, I am still friendly to people. I still reach out and go to lunch with colleagues. I participate in dating websites because the idea of putting myself out there with people I actually know is beyond my comprehension. So I look at that as a half-hearted effort. Taking a real chance would be with real people, face to face. Part of my reasoning is if I have that much trouble making friends, it's going to be that much more impossible to make more than friends.

I was having coffee with a friend yesterday. This friend tends to be very negative and cynical most of the time and this really annoys me. She said "what scares me is that as I approach 30, I know that I'll be in the same boat when I'm 40". I told her she didn't know that and that she could do things in her life to change her circumstance. And at the time, I truly believed that if she just did such and such instead of whining, she'd get what she wanted. A little hypocritical, I know. Because that's exactly the way I feel about myself. I feel I've tried to do things to change my circumstances. I have game nights, dinner parties. Yet, I'm always in the same boat. So how can I judge someone who is exactly in my same position?

I have 2 more friends back in my hometown who are the same. And I get frustrated at them. I think what my frustration really represents is that I tend to find myself surrounded by people in the same boat as me, and that makes me feel more helpless about getting out of the boat. There's obviously something about me and my vibes that attracts the same. Yet how to change the vibes.

I was watching Oprah the other day. I am not a fan of Oprah, but I felt like lounging and she was there. The topic of the day was getting what you want out of life and she showcased three people and books. The books were The Secret, and The Laws of Attraction, and You Can Heal Your Life. I was bored and figured, hey, it can't hurt to check them out? So I literally did just that from the library. Well, one anyway, the other two are on request. I got my hands on The Laws of Attraction First. It made sense. Common sense. Of the "duh" variety. A very easy, quick read, with very little to say. The basic concept is you can attract what you want by changing your views on what it is that you do and don't want, and being open to that. I would have to agree. So far so good.

However, here is where they lose me. The author claims that if you want a million bucks, you can get a million bucks, just by the sheer act of believing you will get a million bucks. The concept is too simple to actually be that valid, in my humble opinion. I can believe that if you want a be married, have kids, live comfortably working in the job you enjoy, you can attain that by being positive, open and emitting that type of energy that gets picked on by others who are, in turn, attracted to that. I don't believe that just because you send out positive vibes that someone will call you that they will. And if they do, I believe it's a fluke, not the laws of attraction.

I don't really have an idea as to where this post is going, so I will wrap it up as it is already far too long and rambly. I am still trying to figure out how to get what I want out of life, but I also believe I am being realistic in thinking that I will not change drastically my personality and who I am, essentially. Or perhaps I actually will die an old, miserable maid after all ;).

A big ray of sunshine after a long season of rain

2007-09-26T11:27:00.001-04:00

My summer hasn't been great. It's not been terrible, I mean I did get to see The Police (twice :)). But as a result of my obsession with the band and splurging on tix to 5 concerts, as well as having sporadic work, having had to take time off for surgery, working reduced hours, and having renovations done on my condo, as well as having my property tax raised, things have been financially strained. I have not done a lot of fun social stuff this summer, and am entering fall feeling I got a bit gypped from summer. I missed it. It was a write-off. I would, of course, do it again, if I had the chance to see The Police every summer, so I'm not complaining, just stating a reality.

Anyway, with the start of fall, some new things seem to be happening. I joined a community drama course. Makes me a little nervous, but it sounds like fun too. I also won the first round of an impromptu speech contest and will be advancing to the next, larger round. Again, a little nervous, but also excited.

And finally, I have been reconnecting with all sorts of people on Facebook. This past weekend a bunch of people from elementary school showed up and we're trying to plan a small get together for the next time I am back in my home town. Also, this weekend some other people from my online gaming days popped up. Because of this, I decided to take the plunge to email "The Guy", as he was one of these people. You know... from one of my previous posts. I was really nervous considering how things were left the last time. It's been 9 years. It seems like forever, and yet time has flown by. I emailed him early evening and by mid morning the next day I got this lovely long reply! He was glad to hear from me and said he had been thinking of me when The Police concerts were announced. So we're also planning to try to meet up when I go home, with his friend who I also knew from back then and both of their significant others. I am hoping that things will be different. He is with someone else, planning to have kids with her and get married, and that's okay. I realize how much I miss his friendship and just the way we used to talk. I am welcoming that back. It feels really good to know that after all that happened he was glad to hear from me. I know I have to keep my expectations in check, after all I know I still have feelings and probably always will. I don't expect him and I to be best buddies, and I certainly know that anything romantic between him and I is not in the cards. But I am ecstatic. I only wish 10 years hadn't gone by in the meantime.

Ruminations

2007-08-20T09:55:00.000-04:00

People always tell me how independent I am, and how well I've adjusted to my disability. You know the reactions, I've touched on them before. "Wow, you're amazing", "I could never do what you do?", "How do you do such and such...?", "You're such an inspiration", "You certainly don't let your disability get in the way...".

Phrases like this piss... me.... off!! These are said by people who have no clue about what it actually means to have a disability. People who cannot begin to comprehend that getting in and out of my chair is just as simple for me as I assume standing up must be for them. There's nothing amazing about it. I assume it all stems back to the "you're amazing because you don't just roll over and die" sentiment, telling me backhandedly that if they were disabled, they'd rather die than learn to adapt. What they don't get is that I have never walked. Yes, on the surface they get it. But I don't think they really "get" it. I don't miss walking because I have never done it. I have no idea what it's like to walk, and I don't spend that much time wondering. Really. But this leads me to a question I ruminate over from time to time:

Do you think it's easier to adapt to a disability when you've dealt with it from birth or when you've acquired it?

I can see points on both sides. First of all, from birth, as I've mentioned, you don't miss anything. You don't pine for the legs you once had. Disability is all you know. And how people treat you is how they've always treated you. When you acquire a disability, I imagine there would be an adjustment from being one of those able-bodied people who look at people with disabilities with wonder and/or fear and/or discomfort. But, as the able bodied person you were before your disability, you learned certain life skills that many people with disabilities don't have as much access to learning.

I think when you have a disability from birth, you have to deal with alienation and segregation from the get go. Often people born with disabilities, or acquire them at a very early age, don't have those same chances to develop socially, physically, mentally, as their peers and this is a big thing. Someone who acquires a disability later on in life, although they will most likely grieve their loss, have a better chance at having acquired those life skills.

Now, of course I talk in generalizations. I am well aware there are socially inept non-disabled people, and quite socially adept disabled people, whether born with their disability or not. But I am wondering how much one's upbringing in childhood for disabled vs. non-disabled affects adulthood for those who are born with a disability and those who acquire one later on.

Thoughts?

Have I even made sense? The more I write today, the more I feel my thoughts are too jumbled to express clearly.

OMFG I've died and gone to heaven!!!!!

2007-07-28T07:56:00.000-04:00

I will stray once again from my disability topic to say that finally, after 26 years of waiting and hoping, I, Ranter, HAVE SEEN THE POLICE IN CONCERT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! TWICE!!!!! The first show I saw was amazing! The first time is always so special and in many ways you can't beat it. The second show was better in that it was a different city and the crowd there just went NUTS!!! I saw the first show alone, the second with my oldest friend from high school, which made it better to. Before the show she told me "I can't wait to see you go nuts!!" Oh, and I did go nuts! I screamed my freaking head off the entire time! They played pretty much all their big hits, with a few less known favourites thrown in, like The Bed's Too Big Without You, Regatta de Blanc, and Voices Inside My Head, and Next to You. Of course any respectable fan of The Police knows those songs ;). What was that absolute greatest thing about the concerts though, was that they consisted on stage of just Sting, Andy, and Stewart! No backup band! No backup singers!!! Phenomenal!!! And man, did they perform! I had seen Sting in concert a zillion times, and Andy twice, but never had the chance to see Stewart and I was mesmerized watching him beat the crap out of those drums! He had not only drums to look over though, he had a whole set of percussion, gongs, etc to work with and he sometimes had to leave his seat to reach another part of the set-up, and then hurry back to his seat for more. He did this with such fluidity and ease and talent, that I was blown away! I felt so honoured to be given this chance finally to see the 3 guys together. Their music was solid, and they gave a whole new feel to the songs, whose arrangement they played with so we weren't hearing the same old album versions. And it was great to hear Sting chanting the unforgettable "ee-oh, ee-yay, ee-yay yo"s!!! After such a long wait, my boys did not disappoint!! It feels amazing to say "I saw The Police!!" finally!! So I caved and bought more tickets for the fall. I can't wait!! :)

Membership does have its perks

2007-07-20T12:22:00.000-04:00

As I sit here on my lunch break continuing my munch fest, I am ruminating over all the perks there are to being in a wheelchair. I thought it was time, as I've spent a lot of time on the negatives. I was talking to someone today about how I had snagged tix to two The Police concerts and they asked me how I managed to do that. I started to reply that I had called the second they went on sale, and kept redialing for about 40 mins, and kept on hold for about 20 more until a sales agent came on and I got my tix. But then I thought. Wheelchair seating doesn't get sold out necessarily at the same rate as the regular seating, so if I hadn't been needing wheelchair seating, I'd most likely have been out of luck. Also, when traveling to these concerts, I will travel by train most likely. Although I can get out of my chair, the wheelchair tie-down area is located in 1st class where we get all the extra luxury at regular fare. At general admission concerts, wheelchairs can often push their way to the front so they get a better view. Ok, I'm sure there are more perks somewhere, especially outside of concerts, but that's all I can come up with for now.

Yo yo yo-yo yo!

2007-07-19T21:10:00.000-04:00

Back in September, I joined Weight Watchers. I have always had a weight problem and have lost, gained, lost, gained all my life. My mom always had me on diets when I was younger, including some fad diets. She followed weight watchers herself when I was younger and tried to teach me their way of eating. When I was in my late teens, I joined NutriSystem on my own accord. I lost most of the weight, then stopped and gained it all back. About 5 years later I went through a depression and lost 20 pounds. After I recovered from that, I kept losing naturally until I reached the lowest I'd ever reached in my adult life. The losing was slow and gradual, and effortless. The gaining back was slow and gradual, and effortless. About 4 1/2 years ago I started going to this adapted gym. For the past 3 1/2, I've been going pretty regularly, about 2-3 times a week, and then increasing to 3-5 times. I decided it was time to learn how to eat properly. Having said that, I know what I'm supposed to eat. I know about portions, I know about fruit and veggies, and I know about everything in moderation. My first 4 months of WW was incredibly easy. I lost 22 pounds and never felt deprived. I even made it through Christmas and was still losing, with Christmas dinner and all the family gatherings that came with the holiday season. I moderated, but didn't deprive. I changed my mentality to a way of life way of thinking. I don't believe in diet mentality. I want to learn to eat the way I'll eat for the rest of my life. I want to learn to not use food as a crutch when I'm feeling like crap. Then came January. The honeymoon ended. I have been yo-yoing ever since. As of today, I've actually gained. I can lose one week, and then gain it all back and then some the next week. Be really great for the next week and then blow it the week after. I can't for the life of me keep up the endurance. Well, this week was a blow it week. And I'll be traveling this weekend, so that will be a challenge. I skipped the gym today, but have been pretty good usually about going, except that my traveling means I'll miss another 2 sessions. I've done all the rationalization. I know I'm only sabotaging myself, I know no one cares but me, I know I should be easier on myself, I know all is not lost necessarily, but it's hard to keep going back and weighing in when I do this. And I know that losing the first bit of weight is always easier, and it gets harder the closer you get to your goal weight. That's the other thing, as of last week, I was only about 17 pounds away from my goal. Grrr grrr grrrrr!!!! I wish I had a private chef. Heck, I almost wish I was J.Lo... but then again... (shudder).

I need a dating guru!

2007-07-05T22:28:00.000-04:00

So, today I had another adventure at the gym. There's this guy (boy, guess you didn't see that coming, eh?;)) who has been coming to the gym for a while. I had never talked to him, but have certainly noticed him. He's pretty quiet, does his thing on the bike for a good, long time, does a hard workout. He's got this tattoo, which I usually don't find attractive. Anyway, I guess he noticed I had been noticing him because a few weeks ago when I was doing one thing on one of the machines, he was on the stationary bike facing me. He nodded and sort of mouthed "hi", to which I nodded back. Since then we usually make eye contact and smile, nothing major. There are a couple machines that I need someone to take the seat out of so I can fit in with my chair. It's always a pain to ask someone to remove them. Anyway, today as I'm on one machine, he comes over and uses the machine next to me. He says something. I had my handy little protection with me (my iPod), so I didn't hear him. I took out the earphones and said "sorry?". He said "I was just saying hi, how are you?" Of course this is where my face inevitably goes red and I get all flustered. I said "Ohh, fine thanks, you?". He nods and we continue to do our workouts. Then he removes the seats of the machines so I can access them without me asking. Except, my back was turned when he did that, so I didn't see him do it, but asked him if he had and he said yes, to which I thanked him. Then I got all self-conscious. And that was it. So now I'm already freaking about the next visit and how I should handle it. I've already made it huge him my head, which I know is my first mistake, but I can't help it! I've probably read too much into things. Now I have days of going through the "should I say hello? Should I seek him out to do so? Do I just smile? What do I say? Will I be an idiot and go all spastic and simply ignore him? Play it too cool? Do I show interest? Do I leave my iPod at home next time? Aaaaaaaah! The doomsdayer in me has already convinced myself that I'll blow it, although there probably wasn't anything to blow in the first place as I've obviously made this into something it isn't. Is there a big fat L on my forehead? Thanks. That's great. Sigh.

Your new primetime tv show...

2007-06-29T12:31:00.000-04:00

Let's say you had the power to get your show on the air in that coveted Thursday evening line-up. Your show that involves disability somehow. What would your show be about? Would it revolve around disability? Would the main character(s) be disabled? Would the disabilities be explained? Would they be a show focus? Would actual disabled actors play people with disabilities on the show? Would you use non-disabled? Would it be a drama, mystery, action, horror, suspense, comedy or reality show? Hour or 1/2 hour?? Talked to me, people.

Complete and total integration

2007-06-27T07:20:00.000-04:00

Is it possible? We've heard a lot about accessibility, universal access, inclusion. But why does it feel so much like accommodation, making do, afterthought? Is society really striving for inclusion and universal access? Then how it is that new residential buildings can still get away with not providing access to all aspects of the building? Why is it that buildings being renovated can get away with not improving their accessibility? Why is it that new public venues provide one section and one section only (for the most part) for people with wheelchairs? Why are we only allowed one companion with us at concerts? It's all nice and good to provide access, even as an afterthought, but it's not truly inclusive. It still smells of us and them mentality. I don't know if it's possible. Universal design thinks it is. Are they realistic or optimistic?

I'm a hypocritical bitch

2007-06-16T14:55:00.000-04:00

There. Now you know. Word's out. It's official. You know how I've whined on here about not being treated equally due to my disability? You know how I've lamented not having luck in the relationship department? Well, reader(s), I'll let you in on a little secret. Yes, that's right, it's hardly a secret as I put it in the post title, but I am a hypocritical bitch. I was at the gym today, with my headphones on to filter out all the freaks that are so magnetized to my presence. See, I have no interest in meeting someone at the gym. In fact, I have great interest in talking as little as I can to people at the gym. Not that I have anything against gym-goers, heck, I'm a gym-goer myself (wait, wait, the hypocritical part is coming). What I do object to is the general gym culture that exists. The guys with puffed out chests in their muscle-Ts, grunting as they bench press 250. The guys who lift weights in front of the mirror and you know it's not just to make sure they're doing it right. The guys who talk about their workout regime to anyone who'll listen. The women who strut around in body tight spandex, short shorts and midriffs, the women whose gym attire includes makeup and jewelry (ok, so I wore hoops today.. sorry!). I don't go to the guy to socialize or meet people. I go to get in shape. I want to get in, do my thing, and get the hell out of there. Chatting with the other inhabitants of my space just prolongs the process. I don't love the gym, I don't go 7 days a week, and I am not lost without it.

Today I was at the gym doing my thing, on my way to getting the hell out. In fact, I was almost done. Ten minutes left tops. I even had protection thanks to my handy iShuffle. Gym etiquette clearly states that those with earphones shall not be disturbed. I was disturbed. Yes, here is where the hypocritical part comes in. My disturber was disabled. A youngish lad most likely in his early 20s. Came right up to me and started talking. I had to remove my armor to hear him. It was the polite thing to do. He asked me how long I'd been coming to this gym. I answered. He asked if I leaved near. I replied "near enough". He persisted. I tried to nip this in the bud. "I'm sorry, I'm trying to do my workout, thanks." Back go the earphones. He persisted. I wasn't really listening at this point, I was annoyed. I don't like my personal space being invaded. I finally put the headphones back on again and proceeded to ignore him. He finally went away. This disabled man seemed to not only have some physical disability, but also seemed to have some sort of cognitive impairment as well. Had he been non-disabled, older, and, well, hot, I'm not sure I'd have been so, well, rude.

I recognize where he is coming from. I recognize the lack of social skills often seen among disabled. I'm also aware that his disability might have prevented him from having full insight into his actions and how they were perceived by others. I recognize that meeting people and making friends is not something I do easily. But does that mean that because I have a disability and have my own issues related to that that I should be more understanding of others? If I had been nicer to this guy would it have spiraled into a pattern where I would have had to talk to him every time I went to the gym? Or was I just treating him like I'd treat any other invader of my privacy?

It's a long way down!

2007-06-03T11:39:00.000-04:00

So I finally had my renovations done to my condo. Of course these renovations have led to further need for work. I put a pedestal sink in my bathroom and took out the old sink with cupboard underneath and reversed the direction of the bathroom door to open outward instead of inward. Now I can get in and close the door without having to take off my footpedals. In fact, I can now do a complete 360 in there with the footpedals on. Woo hoo!! Small nuisance though is that now with the way the door had to be put back on, it is on the other side of the frame and now the light switch, which is outside the bathroom, is now behind the door when open. So I have to remember to turn on the light before I open the door. The bigger nuisance is that there were no tiles underneath the sink cupboard, so I have to retile. I am in a model condo suite that had the original tiles that were installed by the building. There is hope that some of those original tiles still exist so I can just retile 8 tiles instead of the whole bathroom. I hope this works, as I really like those tiles... and don't relish the idea of having to retile the whole floor.

A ramp was also put out to the balcony, with a wooden platform put outside so that it is level with the 3 inch threshold to get out. My balcony is very small, and my building is L-shaped so I can see others across on my right. They are very close. We are all very high. I went out there for the first time on Friday and realized just how bad my fear of heights actually was! All that work and I really want to be out on my balcony, but I get vertigo-like within minutes. Sigh.

Self-sabotage

2007-04-27T17:43:00.000-04:00

So, I've had some time to calm down. I regressed into some self-destructive behaviour last night. Shortly after I started this blog, I wrote a post about a guy. The guy. The one I just can't seem to stop thinking about. So since I've been off sick due to surgery, I've had a bit more time on my hands. I decided to check out this new internet phenomenon everyone's talking about... yep, Facebook. Minutes after I logged on, an old friend I'd lost touch with sent me a message. I started to search for people from my past. First on the list was, of course, the guy. He was there. I checked out his profile. He's now in a relationship, and has a son. My heart went in my throat and I thought I was going to faint. He had some pictures up. It hit me like a ton of bricks, to be cliche. Why is there always that one guy? The one we wonder about forever, the one we know we weren't meant to be with, but we still call "the one"? I was talking with a friend about it today. My friend is 50 and her "one" was someone she met when she was 15. Heck, I was barely born! And to this day, this 15 year old kid is her "one" that she can't forget. The one she "what if"s about. This kid could have been mine! You know, it's funny. He had a pony tail in one of his pictures. I hate pony tails. He hasn't aged that well. And he's been working at the same place for over 10 years, in computer tech, despite the fact that he as a psych degree and a 4.0 grade average from university. But I don't care. He's my one. The one whose web site I kept going back to to check up on, until he no longer had one I could find. The one I keep Googling but can't find due to his god damn all too common name. The one who made me so happy when I noticed years after I'd last seen him that his company's domain was listed as a recent visitor to my website. And I probably shouldn't have sought him out. But I found him. And now I have to deal with that open wound again. Damn it. Damn it. Damn it.

Well now I did it...

2007-04-27T01:35:00.000-04:00

I just went and opened a whole new can of worms. Yep. I so suck. .

Twiddle twiddle

2007-04-24T07:43:00.000-04:00

I had my surgery Friday and I was terrified. I had had lots of invasive surgeries when I was a kid with some very unpleasant experiences (like having the paralyzing medication kick in before the anesthetic..so I couldn't move a muscle, open my eyes or breathe on my own). I gave my anesthesiologist mega warnings beforehand this time not to let that happen. She didn't let me down. The experience was pretty darn great considering it was surgery. It was day surgery so I got to go home that day, which was also a new experience. I've had nothing less than 2 weeks in the hospital with more recovery at home afterwards. Already I'm healing quite well. It still hurts, and it hurts to pee, and of course I have to pee disturbingly often, but I've been basically managing on my own since. My brother spent that first night with me as I wasn't allowed to be alone for the first 24 hours, but I have basically been alone since (negligent family, tsk tsk!). I am to take 4-6 weeks off work. Oh, I heard yesterday I didn't get the latest job I applied for... again... I'm getting quite good at this being turned down stuff. At least my horror position is over. My boss did tell me when I'm ready to come back at the end of May that there's not a lot of work that month. I'm already on employment insurance sick benefits, which is about 65% of your salary. I guess the renovations on my condo will have to wait for a bit.

I'm not very political, but...

2007-04-07T11:06:00.000-04:00

I do love the Dixie Chicks. Last night I saw their documentary "Shut up and Sing" and it was awesome. I cannot believe the flak they went through for expressing their opinion. I don't care that it was out of the US, they had a right to do it and the backlash they experienced as a result was infreakingcredible to me. Especially in a country that is supposed to be the land of the free. Free speech. Freedom of opinion. I thought it was pretty darn low of Bush to retort back to the effect of "if they can't take a little criticism..." Hardly a little criticism. I am not anti-American by any means, and I'm not even a very patriotic Canadian. I don't get the whole "stand by your country no matter what" concept. However, I just have to say that looking at how much of the US reacted after that, I thank my lucky stars to be Canadian.

FISH FISH FISH FISH AND MORE FISH!!!!

2007-03-27T21:40:00.000-04:00

Ok, so for those of you who haven't gotten it by the title, I'm not really talking about fish. I hate my job. I really, really, really, really, REALLY hate my job!!! It's at the point where I am dreading going in every morning. Sunday I start to get that pit in my stomach. That impending sense of doom feeling. It is true that my position is ending soon and that I will be free. Actually, I have only about 2 weeks left in the position and you can bet I am thanking my lucky stars! The problem is that the SECOND I knew that there was even the POSSIBILITY of this other woman taking over my position, I COMPLETELY and UTTERLY disengaged. My mind was gone, out the door and on vaca!!! I kept thinking "oh god, what if she doesn't take it and I have to come back for a couple more months??" I think I might actually have shot myself. Well, not actually... but I seriously think I could have had some sort of breakdown.

So I found out last week that some of my colleagues have been telling the new woman that they have "reservations" about me. I can handle that. Whatever. Coz truth be known... I HATE MY JOB. So yes, naturally that will reflect in the way I do my job. If I hate something, I cannot do it well. Call it a weakness, call it saving sanity.. whatever.. I cannot do it well if the interest is not there. So hearing that didn't bother me that much, although of course it did a little. Yada yada yada, move to today. I get called in to my boss's office with my manager and apparently I have been spending way too much time on the internet at work. Wow. What can you say to that? This means that they've actually flagged me, because they don't do random checks. It is true that I surf the web at work. It is true I check my email at work. And it's true that 2 of my 5 days of work each week are more down times. However, this is a bit misrepresented. You see, I have the net open on to check my personal email all the time. That doesn't mean I'm checking it all the time, but it's there in the background. I freely admit that. Then a whole discussion starts of how I could better use my time, of which I offer up suggestions. They admit this is useless as I'm leaving the position in 2 weeks. Holy freaking god, people! Holy freaking god!! I have had it. I have totally had it. I need to get out of there so freaking fast it ain't funny. I think this job is shortening my life. If I stay in it long enough chances are I'll probably get hit by a bus or something, as luck would have it. Anyone know a good primal scream therapist?????????

Disability Dos and Don'ts

2007-03-22T15:37:00.000-04:00

Don't:

1. Ask us what's wrong with us.
2. Ask us what happened to us.
3. Ask us how we do what we do.
4. Tell us we're awesome for doing the ordinary.
5. Think we're awesome for doing the ordinary.
6. Assume anything.
7. EVER try to freakin' push us before asking if we need help.
8. EVER try to freakin' push us after asking if we need help and we say no.
9. Swear at us when we get pissed off when you don't respect our answer, decision, space (pushing us without asking is as invasive as me going up to you and taking your briefcase out of your hand without asking when you don't know me from Bob).
9. Rush ahead to open doors for us.
10. Apologize for not having helped us in time when it seems we're doing just fine without you.
11. Say stupid things like "I should be doing that for you" when we reach the door first and hold it open for you.
12. EVER pat us on the freakin' head!
13. Ask us what disability we have before getting to know us.
14. Ask us anything disability related before getting to know us "just because you're curious". Who the hell are you, and how important do you think your curiousity is, freak?
15. Ask us if we play basketball.
16. Try to give us money (unless it's a cheque with 6 digits).
17. Tell us how freakin' brave we are unless we just fought a bear.
18. Address our companions when asking questions meant for us.
19. Ask "are you sure?" when we tell you we don't need help.
20. Ask "do you want to go out" if we happen to be sitting by a door.
21. Assume we like to listen to your problems coz we'll "understand" since obviously our lives have been hard like yours, right?
22. Assume that a physical, visual, auditory disability, speech impediment, or other means we couldn't possibly hold a Masters degree, good paying job, own a condo, drive a car, marry, have children, make decisions for ourselves.
23. Shout at us.

Do:

1. Use your freakin' common sense.
2. Talk to us.
3. Get to know us.
4. Listen.
5. Establish some sort of relationship before you ask us anything personal.
6. Allow us to be as independent as we can be.
7. Wait for us to ask for help.
9. Let us open the door for you if we reach it first.
10. Give us a chance before you come barging in to "rescue us".
11. Think twice before you open your mouth.
12. Ask us out for coffee.
13. See us as human beings.
14. See us as women or men.
15. Consider us as wives, husbands, partners, friends, lovers, intellectual equals
16. Relax.
17. Laugh.
18. Be open.
19. Remember that we have to deal with people like you every hour of every day.

Carry on.

Light at the end of the tunnel... hopefully!

2007-03-08T10:47:00.000-05:00

I went home from work sick last Thursday with a stomach ache. It was better by Friday but I decided to stay home anyway. It was lovely to have a PJ day. On the Friday morning, my boss called me at home. She starts with "I'm sorry to call you at home when you're sick, but I've just spoken to the union...". I figured with the way things have gone, this couldn't be good. Turns out it was! Sort of. I am replacing someone on maternity leave for a year. I also intensely dislike this placement. Turns out someone is returning from sick leave that was due to stress from their job and they cannot return to their position. As they are permanent, they need to be accomodated. Turns out they are looking at my position. They are able to bump anyone with less seniority than them. Initially they would just do the mat leave if they decide they like the job, possibly keeping it in the end. So she is to be with me part-time for the next month, gradually increasing her hours per day. At the end of the month she gets to decide whether she stays or leaves. On one hand I could choose to be worried about being left with no work, as I would just go back to covering here and there. On the other hand... freakin' yay!!! I don't care about any other choice, I just want out out out of this position! The way I see it, it's a win win situation. I have to make the position look great so she'll take it and bump me out! Woo hoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

What do you say when...

2007-02-27T14:02:00.000-05:00

you are in a wheelchair, working at a hospital centre and being passed over for your 6th permanent internal job, and in a feedback session your boss says "what about rehab?". You've interviewed for 2 jobs in rehabilitation but found both interviews extremely odd and uncomfortable. You have never worked in rehab and therefore have no experience and have no idea why your boss would suggest you try for another rehab position ... except...can you guess the reason I'm thinking? Just sayin'...

5 months and counting!

2007-02-24T01:47:00.000-05:00

I am seeing The Police! I got tickets to TWO shows!!!! (Yes, I'm THAT crazy!). There is rumour that they may be adding more dates at the end of the tour. Yay!!! I was listening to one of the live bootlegs I have yesterday and I was sooooo excited! I finally got my surgery date, and my main concern was that it would conflict with the concert. That just wouldn't do! But, alas, I am safe. Woo hoo!!

5 months! 5 months and counting!!

Website revamp

2007-02-24T01:38:00.000-05:00

Check it out here. Please, please, please, I am begging for info. If you can give me any info about your hometown or places you have travelled or will travel to to add to the list, please please pleaaaaaaase send it on in. A million thank yous for your effort in advance.

Woooooo hoooooo!!!!! It's official!!!!!!!!!

2007-02-13T10:04:00.000-05:00

www.thepolicetour.com

I can't breathe! I can't breathe!

The Police are coming! The Police are coming! (Maybe)

2007-02-06T12:31:00.000-05:00

OH
MY
GOD!!!!!!!

This is the best news ever!

I am getting set for Sunday night's Grammys because my favourite group of all time are reuniting! As luck would have it, I don't have a recordable DVD player, and no VCR, so I had to troll everyone I knew until I found someone willing and able to record it on a DVD for me. And there is consensus around the 'net that they will be announcing a Europe/US tour afterwards!!!! I have dreamed about this for oh my god 23 years! And like I have like no problem like admitting that like I am like a total like teenybopper when it like comes to like the like Police! Forget condo expenses, I guess I better start saving because there was no word on Canada being in that tour line-up. I am in shock. I am excited. I am cautious. I will believe it when I see it. But oh if it's not true, those around me better watch out for some major Fallout!!! And if it IS true, those around me better be prepared for some major hyperness!!!

OH
MY
GOD!!!!!!!

Not my baby...

2006-12-12T09:26:00.000-05:00

I was reading another blog (http://midlifeandtreachery.blogspot.com/) today and this made me think. I have a colleague at work who I often have tea with in the morning. The other day she was telling me about her life and she confided that she had gotten pregnant with her first husband. She found out this child had Down Syndrome and subsequently aborted the baby. She noticed as she told me this that I was visably affected. She said she had been hesitant to tell me because of my own disability. I was taken aback, and I did try not to show it. I do believe, as readers of my previous posts will note, in pro-choice. I agree that it is her choice whether to abort or not, and believe it or not I do understand her decision. But a part of me still took her decision very personally. You can be friends, family, partner, colleague to someone with a disability and care for them, love them, be incensed at the injustice they endure, but it's a whole different issue when you are about to give birth to a child with a disability. Not my baby. And to be brutally honest, I think that's part of what's fundamentally wrong with our society. Disability is fine as long as it affects someone else. Which begs the question of how acceptable disability "really" is in our society? How can it not affect us when we hear that our family, friends, colleagues don't want a disabled baby? And how do we keep respect for personal decisions when it touches something that is so personal to us? I like this person. I think she's a good person and I hope to maintain a close relationship with her, at least at work. But it still hurts to know that she felt having a down syndrome baby was a sign that this baby wasn't mean to be. She is since divorced and remarried with a healthy baby, and I am happy for her. But I am still left feeling a little less because of what she told me.

Subhuman standards once again

2006-12-11T13:23:00.000-05:00

I went to this play on the weekend with 2 friends. I had been to this theatre before with no problem. They have this contraption that they bring out that is like a little platform that they put on the aisle slope so you can wheel on it and make it even. The last time I went, they put this right beside the person I was sitting with. This weekend there were big problems with that. Apparently the fire marshall was enforcing strict regulations of wheelchairs not being put in the aisles. This is pretty standard in Canada. However, I was not told this when I made my reservations. And considering I was able to sit near my friend the last time, I assumed I would be able to do so again. Not the case. The platform had to be set up, not only against the wall on the other side of the aisle, but a few rows down as the entrance was right where the bought seats were. I voiced discontentment and the reply was immediately "we have no choice, there are regulations from the fire marshall we must follow". There was no apology, no voiced understanding of my frustrations. Most importantly, no clarification of this when I called to buy the tickets in the first place. They are talking about renovating the place to include taking out a row in the front for wheelchairs, but this would still not allow your companion to sit beside you, it would require them to sit behind you in the next row. Oh, and to top things off? Where is the accessible entrance to the theatre??? Yep, right next to the dumpster. Classy, eh? I am so sick and tired of less than adequate plans made to accomodate people with disabilities. I am so sick and tired of people spewing off excuses such as fire marshall regulations. Granted, I understand fire marshall regulations are real, but I do not for an instant believe that there is not a way to accomodate wheelchairs AND fire safety regulations. It can be done, it just takes some thought and work, people. God forbid. One of my friends I went with was actually more incensed than I was. I will, however, be writing a letter about this. Not impressed, folks. Not impressed.

So this is hell...

2006-12-04T10:12:00.000-05:00

Well, remember about a year ago when I wrote that entry about a friend who wasn't really a friend and never replied to me when I said it upset me I never saw her? Well, lucky me. I get to see her Monday to Friday now. She is the lucky recipient of the last permanent position I applied to. We now get to work in the same building. I've already seen her 3 times since last week. It's been real fun. I actually said hello the first and third time, as I passed her by because it took me by surprise. The second time I just passed by without a word. Can you say awkward? Oh, and I meet tomorrow with my boss and my manager to discuss a complaint. Again. Could I feel any smaller? Yep. This is hell.

Work sucks!

2006-11-27T15:17:00.000-05:00

Wow, haven't posted for over a month. Time sure does fly. A lot has happened, but I just haven't felt like blogging lately, so I've let it slide. But, to be honest, it's 3:10, I'm at work, and I don't feel like being here, so I am blogging to waste time.

Well, I'm in my new condo and things are going well. I am toooooooootally house poor now, but I just paid off my visa bill in the full yesterday, so I am feeling pretty relieved about that. Debt makes me nervous. I had my first thing break already... a kitchen cupboard hinge came out of the wood. Curtains aren't up yet, but are in the works. I have a list of a whole bunch of stuff to be done and bought, but I'm deferring most of it so I can put it on my Christmas list. And I'm getting a kitty! I'm a bit nervous... I hope I don't kill it by neglect ;).

Work is work. I'm in a position now I don't really love. I interviewed for my 5th try at a permanent position since working here (7th in total, including covering positions) only to be turned down once again. I am getting discouraged. Very discouraged. Office politics. Office rumours. I heard the person who got the job applied after the deadline. All sorts of stuff like that. Makes me wonder if they see me fitting into this organization. I've been here long enough to be the casual now with the most seniority, but I've been told that seniority doesn't always play a big part in the hiring process. My supervisor (who is not involved in the hiring process) tells me to take what I hear with a grain of salt and that there is no foul play involved in the process. It's hard to believe her sometimes. I made an appointment to sit down with my boss and get some feedback to see how I'm doing, if I'm improving in the interview process, and ask what it's going to take to become permanent. It's hard to keep going for interviews when I keep losing out to other applicants.

Blah!

Speaking of abortion...

2006-10-06T15:31:00.000-04:00

Ok, I'm going a bit interactive here. This is probably a loaded question, but I'm assuming that most (certainly not all ;)) of my readers are disabled. What are your thoughts on pre-screening fetuses for disabilities? Do you think this is okay in any circumstance? What about aborting a fetus due to a known or suspected disability? Black and white? Grey? Thoughts...?

Demonstrate this!!

2006-10-01T15:50:00.000-04:00

Today I passed a little demonstration on anti-abortion. It was very small, maybe 5 people. They were all carrying the usual signs of "stop the killing" and "life begins at (such and such) days after conception", etc. It made me really angry. I truly fail to see how saving life at all cost is the better choice. One sign said something about adoption being a choice. Yes, it's true. It's a choice. But it's not the idyllic choice always that people may think. There are tons of kids in the foster care system here and in orphanage's abroad. These kids are not always treated so rosily. They are neglected, used for money, abused. Now, this is not true of every case obviously, but if you're going to choose a side, you really have to be aware of all the elements. What if a woman is raped? Is it really in the kid and mother's best interest to promote that she go through with that pregnancy? 100% of the time?

I heard about a case in the US a few weeks ago where this woman was raped in a park. She went to the ER and did a rape kit. It wasn't until she left that a friend asked her if she had been given the morning-after pill. She hadn't been. In her trauma, she hadn't even thought of it. So, the next day they called back and asked to get a prescription from the doctor who saw her. Turned out it was against his beliefs so he denied her the pill. That is very, very, VERY dangerous, folks. In no way should one's beliefs impinge on another person. EVER. Can you imagine the feelings that would come along with carrying to term a baby that reminds you of your rape every single day? Whether you keep that baby or not. And, on top of that, if you choose to give it away, imagine how that could add to the trauma. I would doubt most mothers who give up their kids for adoption just stop thinking about those kids.

The reasoning was that any doctor is supposed to do what is best for their patient and at the time that someone is pregnant, the doctor has two patients. Well, I don't think denying abortion is necessarily best for both a mother and the child. These people are thinking about the unborn fetus and only the unborn fetus. The mother is not cared for. If she considers abortion, she is demonized by anti-abortionists, including doctors who are anti-abortion.

I think we all need to get off our moral high-horse and let people do what they want with their own freakin' bodies. We should NOT have a right to say what people do to themselves, and that includes suicide, obesity, self-wounding. We should offer people support, options, and follow-up, but it is up to them to decide what to do in the end. I have my own beliefs. They should not matter to anyone else. I watched a show on child molesters a few weeks ago. One interviewed did not see anything wrong with that. He said children are sexual beings and should be allowed to express that. I believe that even very young kids explore their bodies and their sexuality in ... very.... simple.... ways. Touching mommy's breast, etc. Under no circumstances do I believe that a child has the capacity to understand that he wants to have sex with an adult. That is wrong. That is sick. Period. Those kids need protests, signs, protection.

But that's minors. Unborn children are not born yet. I don't believe fetuses within the safe abortion age range need protecting. Save the abused children, saved the starving children, save the planet, save the abused people, save the animals, save the rainforest, help the poor, help your family, help your freinds, help your neighbour. Leave the fetuses alone.

Personal space

2006-09-28T09:43:00.000-04:00

For someone who used to be very anti-blogging, I'd like to note that this is my fiftieth post and I've been at it almost a year. I think a little "eating of words" is in order. Ahem.

Having said that, I'll move right along to today's rant. Personal space. This is a tricky one as it is different for each person, dependent on their experience, upbringing, culture, customs, or any other number of issues. I work as a social worker and I am constantly confronted by people who use space in all sorts of different ways. Some take up waaaaay too much. Others seem insecure to even take an extra millimetre. Some expect you to take more, others expect you to shut the hell up. It's amazing that so many of us can click. Connect on that intimate level. Find others who share our space perspective. Or just not care about the fact that others' space ideas are different from our own.

This morning I had to go for a blood test and a urine culture (that's a whole other story.. urine culture containers are NOT female friendly! I feel like I need a bath). I was not allowed to eat before this test so by the time it was done, I was famished. In line for breakfast, I someone behind me in line was leaning on my chair. By the time I looked around they were gone, but I have to say that is a HUGE pet peeve of mine. It is one thing for someone who knows you very well to do that, but I get very offended when strangers do it. It's like an extension of me and I really resent that people don't respect that. I have never actually mustered up enough courage to say something when I find people doing that. Instead I revert back to the evil look. That's my thing. I've got that evil look mastered. Except for the "having it work" part. It often works, but not always. Is this a pet peeve of anyone else? Are you vocal about it? What do you do? Is it wrong to expect people to see that as personal space and to stay away?

Bast****!!!!!

2006-09-20T13:39:00.000-04:00

Ok, well maybe that's a little harsh, but I'm in a bad mood today. No reason, just a general "everything sucks" mood. I have not heard back from the news program that was going to do my story on the inaccessible condo. I have called and emailed and the woman who initially contacted me is not returning my calls. I think that's really unprofessional. And I'm pissed off. In my last message, I said I just wanted to know if the story was going ahead or not, that was all. No response.

Work has gotten better, but I feel a bit burned out. And that pisses me off.

Things are not going all that badly, but lately I just seem to notice the negative side of everything and THAT pisses me off. I piss me off. Last weekend I bought some Halloween candy and I didn't enjoy it... that may have started the pissy ball rolling. I'm not even PMSing, so I can't even blame that. I wonder if there's a post MSing condition?

WhatEVer!

Anyone want to make a million dollars??

2006-09-16T16:00:00.000-04:00

Okay, well maybe not a million, but I think there is an untapped market here that would be very fruitful! You've heard me gripe about this before, and I thought it only fitting that since I just posted about winter coats, I follow that with a post about winter gloves!

I have yet to find the perfect pair of winter gloves. That is the understatement of the century. I go through gloves pretty quickly, or I make due with cold, wet, clammy hands. As a wheelchair user in a particularly cold, wet and snowy climate, I am appalled to find that there seems to be no such thing as "Canadian winter" wheelchair gloves. I did a search for winter wheelchair gloves and I found these things made in Britain that were probably great for British winters, but may only suffice here on a cold, rainy fall day. I am talking wet, slushy, thick snow that coats your hands as fast as it coats your wheels. Wheeling even a block in such condition is impossible. Okay, well it's possible, but frostbite is not fun, folks. When your gloves are cold and soaked through wet, you cannot wait until they dry to wheel the rest of the way. All you can do is wheel a few feet and wait until the painful tingling in your fingertips stops and you can feel again for another few feet.

I really would like to find someone who would be able to make these wonder gloves. Here are the requirements:

1. COMPLETELY WATERPROOF. Rubbery sounds good, except it impinges on requirement #2...
2. NON-LATEX. As many wheelchair users (especially those with spina bifida) have latex allergies.
3. GOOD GRIP. When you're wheel is wet, it is hard to get a grip sometimes. And when you're wheeling through snow, even harder. The gloves would need some sort of grip material on the palm.
4. WARM. They would need some sort of warm lining to keep the hands warm while the gloves are in contact with the wet, slushy snow.

Four things. That's not a lot to ask. Is it? Anybody out there have superiour sewing abilities? :)

Deadly winter coats

2006-09-16T15:42:00.000-04:00

I dread looking for a winter coat. There are so many factors to consider. First off, it has to be warm, obviously. Secondly, it has to be some sort of water resistant material. Water resistant to the point where my cuffs, which are grinding along the wheels as I wheel, stay dry and don't soak through. The cuffs on most shirts, sweaters, coats, are the first to go. They wear through and start to look pretty ratty when the rest of the piece is absolutely fine. If it's not water resistant, and is some sort of clothlike material, that's just asking for trouble. It gets soggy and your clothes underneath get soggy and it's just generally pretty darn ugly. And even if it's water resistant, it REALLY needs to be water resistant. Most "water resistant" labelled stuff doesn't pass the Ranter test. I am pretty hard on my sleeves, especially in winter. Sure, it may resist water for the average Joe who is just merely touching snow or rain. With my wheeling, I rub and grind it in. Pushing one's wheelchair in snow/slush can be hard work. Thirdly, the item in question cannot contain any latex. This hasn't been too much of a problem for me, but occasionally, like today, I hit a snag. I received my LL Bean catalogue and was flipping through looking for winter jackets that I could add to my Christmas list. Last year I received a jacket as a present and had to return it because it was riddled with latex! The snap covers, the zipper pull thing... even an LL Bean logo on the front was indeed latex. This year, I thought I'd be smart. I made a note of all the possible winter jackets I wanted and emailed LL Bean with the catalogue item numbers and asked if these items contained latex. Their answer was that there were so many chemicals used in the process of making their jackets, they couldn't confidently tell me if their jackets had latex or not. I've bought from LL Bean before, without questioning the latex factor. In fact my current winter jacket is LL Bean, as is my rain jacket. I have never had a problem until last year's jacket. Obviously the chemicals they use in processing their jackets do not bother me unless they have specific latex parts on them. Oh, sometimes when I wear down the cuff too much, the elastic shows through (even just a tiny pin prick) and I get little white bumps on my wrist. That happened to last year's jacket, so I went to a tailor who put leather reinforcement on the cuffs to cover the hole.

But really though, is it too much to ask companies to list the ingredients used making their clothes? Just like foods. Are not these same chemicals used in all jackets or most? I hope this current jacket lasts a few more years.

Give me a freakin' chance first, sheesh!

2006-09-09T09:00:00.000-04:00

I've had a rough week. As you saw in my previous post, I got more work replacing someone on a maternity leave. I have not started that position yet, although I've been working in that unit a couple mornings a week as part of my present job which I've had for about 5 1/2 months. To prepare me for a full-time position there for the next year, my manager wants to send me to a bunch of training, which I've been doing. That will go on sporadically for a couple weeks. I have none this coming week thankfully. I will start the new full-time position mid-October, as that's when my current contract ends and when the person I'm presently replacing will be coming back. The person who left the position I will take over mid-October left 2 weeks ago. They have not been able to provide proper coverage for her position since she left for the past 2 weeks. Therefore, you guessed it, it's been left up to me to cover both my present position AND the other position. They tried to get coverage. They found someone, but she was only available 2 days a week for the past 2 weeks. As of this coming week she'll be there 4 days a week. Also, as of this coming week, part of my present job will disappear as there will be a new person starting in a recently created new position to alleviate some of the workload.

Following so far?

With the new person starting, and someone providing coverage on the other position 4 days a week, my workload will decrease until I start my new position. However, the past 2 weeks have been hellish and I've been pretty overloaded.

So earlier this week, I get called into my boss's office and she's there with my unit manager. They have concerns that I haven't been giving as much attention to the position I will be doing full-time in mid-October. Specifically they mentioned one case I had worked on. My manager received a complaint that I had done only superficial work. My manager asked the complaintant if I had done what they had asked of me. I had. She then asked the complaintant if I had reported back to her when I had done what they had asked of me. I had. My manager then asked what the problem was then. The response was that I hadn't done that "extra" bit. I hadn't fished for more information, I hadn't asked if there was anything more they wanted me to do with that.

I was flabbergasted. I did not see this coming at all! And, quite frankly, I think it is unfair. I had to be very professional though and keep my cool. So, I validated what they told me. I told them that I agreed that perhaps I did not give the case as much attention as I could have. I explained that I had gone to another department that had dealt with that case the same day to get some background information. I had called the person in question and gotten some details. I reported back to the person who asked me to do this what I had done and what still needs follow-up from her. And then I left. I reiterated that I have essentially been doing 2 positions when I already felt that my present position as it is is too much (and such has been reduced with the addition of the new position). I informed them that time was a factor. I didn't have time to document what I had done yet (and I had been called by the complaintant before the day's end to ask if I had documented yet), but I did by the end of the day, as I had planned to do.

What pissed me off was that even after I said that, while I don't expect a pat on the back, there was no recognition of the fact that I've been doing all this extra load and that it is impossible to give everything full attention. Oh, I had initially asked if this were something that needed to be done that day, or if it could wait until next week when there would be proper coverage for that position. They said it could not wait, and that was fine. When you do emergency coverage you do what needs to be done then, but anything that can wait will wait until the person you're covering for comes back. That question of mine was interpreted by the complainant as me being reluctant to do the task asked. Well, darn freaking right I was reluctant! I have a 2x caseload, TYVM!

I talked about it with my superviser in supervision yesterday and I felt better. I tend to take things personally, and it helped to remove me from the situation and recognize that it's more a reflection of my manager's expectations. The thing is, how I'm doing in that position now while I'm doing this other position too, is not reflective of how I'll work when I'm solely in that new position and can give it my full attention. I felt they judged me, and did it too quickly. I now will have to show them that once I'm in that position, they were wrong about me.

Now that it's a couple days later and I've had my supervision, today I am ANGRY!! I already had reservations about working in this department, but now I'm in it and I feel like they've already decided I'm not up to par. During that meeting, my manager said she had gone around to others in the department to ask them their impression of me. That's fine, but then she told me. "so and so says you're very approachable and easy to work with, but they don't see you around here in the department very often." Again.... 2X caseload, people!!!

I have a feeling it's going to be a long year.

Here we go again

2006-08-13T10:19:00.000-04:00

I had my 5th interview for an internal job at the place I work. For the 5th time, I didn't get it. Instead, my boss asked if I am interested in covering someone going on a maternity leave for a year. It's in the same general department as the other permanent job I didn't get. I'll probably end up taking it, but when you cover someone for a year you don't get any benefits as you're not a permanent staff member. No vacation pay, no sick pay, no holiday pay. If you don't work, you don't get $$$. The compensation for that is extra pay in lieu of, which is pretty good. However, the other down side is that you can't apply for a permanent job for the first 6 months of being in a long-term casual position. That sucks. Going from contract to contract with that restriction makes it hard to get the permanent positions. Damn damn damn damn damn. There's also a very good chance the person I'm covering may not come back to that position after her maternity leave, as she wants part-time. Obviously this means that I could apply for the position I'd be in for the next year at the end. It's just also not one of the areas that I've enjoyed the most. But, I do have a mortgage to pay and a new condo to tend to. So maybe I should just stop whining, shut up and take the damn job. It's not such a bad alternative, I know. I'm just tired of being second choice all the time. I'm not afraid of paying my dues and earning my spot, but.. over 2 years and 5 interviews within the same place. It's frustrating. My boss did tell me that I did a great job during the interview and that I've improved a lot in the interview process and that I did take all her feedback into consideration from the last time and acted on it. That's good, really. But damn it, I want my turn at stability! I know... whine, whine, whine ;).

Then, on Thursday, while waiting for the bus, I ran into a woman from the place I worked for a bit last winter. You remember the same indecision I wrote about back then, I'm sure. Anyway, she called me on Friday and said they had lots of work and that she could almost guarantee 100% that I would become permanent. I have to call her back Monday, but I know I still don't want to work there. As frustrating as it is to wait out the jobs where I am now, I am happy there. I feel stimulated.

Busy Busy Busy!

2006-07-31T12:06:00.000-04:00

Well, the last month has been a hectic one for me. Mostly good though, although not all. The bad news is I must go for surgery. During routine tests, my urologist has found a lump on one of my ovaries. I have to go see a gyne oncology specialist and will probably have to have it removed. I am not worried so much about the big C as I am about the fact that I need to have surgery. Ovarian masses are very common, and the bigger they are, the better the chance of them being benign. But surgery scares the hell out of me. I haven't had one since I was 14, but I had had about a dozen or so by that age.

Well, the first bit of good news is that I got a letter from the mayor in response to the letter I had sent out. He said he will get his staff to gather info for him, which he will review, and then he will get back to me.

And the last best bit of good news is that I found a condo! An already built condo! No waiting 2 1/2 years to move in. It's just a small 1 bedroom, but it's about 100 sq. ft. bigger than the one that is not yet built that would not let me have a ramp to the balcony. This one does have a balcony too, but the threshold is only 3 inches. And no developer involved this time! There is so much to do before I move in!! But it's all so very exciting!

So, those things have been taking up my time, keeping me busy. Along with my full-time job, of course. One day at a time!

Sensitivity training for your friends?

2006-07-21T12:08:00.000-04:00

I have this friend. She's an incredibly good friend. One of those rare kinds of friends you find who are just so easy going and you connect in so many ways. She's the kind of person who I think anyone at all would like and get along with. Every time we see each other, before we say goodbye, she always leaves with "we'll have to get together again soon". And she's not one of those who just say it, she follows through. I feel very priviledged to have her as a friend.

However, there is one thing she does that really, really, really gets on my nerves. And we've talked about it. She is always wanting to help. On one hand that's a very nice quality to have. But, on the other, it touches on my achilles heel. As a person in a wheelchair, I get people wanting to help me every day. "Can I do this for you?", "Let me get this for you?", "Why don't I open that for you?". Also, thanks (a little bit genuine, a little bit sarcastic) to my mother, I am fiercely independent. Fiercely. Combine that with all the times I've been patted on the head, told I'm such a nice girl (by strangers who have no freaking idea how nice I am), been given help when I didn't want it and wasn't asked, and yes, I have a big chip on my shoulder. I know it. I admit it. I embrace it. That's me, I'm not going to change. Deal.

Yet, I'm torn in this situation. She knows it bothers me, but she cannot help it. She says she does it to all her friends. I can't help it either. I cannot accept it. It will always be a sore spot for me. I'm a big believer in picking your battles and know that friendships are all about compromise. But this brings up the question of acceptance. People rarely change drastically, but I do believe they can learn to change small things. I can't expect her to change who she is, and I also don't want her to have to be wary around me and afraid to open a door from time to time. But I can't be expected to change either. I don't mind someone opening a door if they're ahead of me. That's common courtesy and I have absolutely no problem with that. But it's more than that. She's always saying "let me". Yesterday we went out to dinner and she came over to my place on the way. I asked her if she would change a light bulb for me. She was glad to. I went in the closet and pulled out the small step ladder. She started in on the "oh, let me". I told her I was fine. Then she changed it and I thanked her and went to put the ladder back in the closet and she did it again. Then on the way out it was "let me get the door". She has also said things like "ok, now this time I am GOING to get the door for you." I ended up telling her we had to talk about this coz it was driving me crazy. I don't want to offend her, but I wasn't going to change.

Yet, I can't shake this feeling of feeling bad about it. I don't want to make a bigger deal of it than it needs to be, but I do want the behaviour to change. I want her to be able to understand that it can't always be her giving. If I'm ahead of her, I should hold the door open for her. If she's ahead, she can get it. And sometimes it's okay to go out of the way to help, but sometimes she has to be the receiver. Otherwise the balance of our friendship is unequal.

Hallelujah, the media!

2006-07-11T15:46:00.000-04:00

Well, I looked in the building contract and it says that any changes to the outside of the building need to be approved and that management reserves the right to UNREASONABLY withhold consent. So, I am powerless as there is no recourse to make them put a ramp to my balcony.

So, I did the only thing I could think of left to do... I wrote a letter. I sent this letter to the PM, ministers, city councillor and mayor, along with the media. I got a call back from one of the tv shows I contacted saying they're interested in my story and would like to look into it further.

Interesting times ahead, folks. Interesting times ahead.

... or not so much...

2006-06-27T13:54:00.000-04:00

I called back the Human Rights Commission to file my complaint today and was told that I actually did NOT have grounds to file a human rights violation complaint. I wish I had known that before I went and got the developer angry. This is not good.

So now what the HRC told me was that I have to call the building code people back and see if there's anything in the code stopping me from building a ramp. If there is, then there's nothing I can do. If there isn't, then she said I should approach the builders and ask if they would build a ramp at my expense. If they will, great. If they won't then there is nothing stopping me from building my own. If the developer gives me a hard time about building a ramp when I am entitled to, THEN I can file a human rights violation complaint.

Man, this is complicated!

Oh, it's on!

2006-06-27T10:52:00.000-04:00

Well, I spoke with the condo person this morning and was told that unequivocally there is nothing they can do to make a unit balcony wheelchair accessible on the outside. He tried to turn my attention to their other non-balcony units of which there are a couple per floor, one being a bachelor pad, which I am not willing to downsize to. So, at this point I mentioned that I had talked to the Human Rights Commission and was told that they felt I had grounds to file a human rights violation complaint. He tells me "well, fine, if that's the way you're going to proceed, do that. Goodbye" and hangs up.

Here a right, there a right, everywhere a right right. Right!

2006-06-26T12:46:00.000-04:00

Well, I spoke with the condo developer this morning and was shot down. He tells me that ramping the balcony would not be possible, levelling it even more impossible. I told him that was discrimination, to which he replied it was not. Well, I called the Human Rights Commission, and they agree with me. So, I emailed the developer back and asked him to clarify some of what we talked about. I was extremely upset when I talked to him and when I hung up I hadn't processed all the details. I emailed and asked exactly how high the lip out to the balcony was, and said that if it were only 4 inches, that would mean a ramp of maybe 12-18 inches and I asked for clarification as to whether that was not possible. During our conversation, he had mentioned something about building envelopes and how they were in place to prevent water from entering the condo and causing damage to the buildng. I mentioned in the email to him that a ramp would still have all the water rolling down, and not in the unit. He also said all the balconies had to be uniform. I asked if I could build a ramp myself as well. I haven't heard back from him yet, but if answers me to the negative, then I will go ahead and tell him I spoke with the Human Rights Commission and that they feel I have grounds for a complaint and that the building would have to try to accomodate me.

I have been absolutely unproductive at work today. I've holed myself in with the door shut. I've stopped crying, so that's a good thing, but I am so angry and feel so very helpless... and can't forget tired.

Over and out.

Blahs

2006-06-11T19:03:00.000-04:00

I'm having a blah day. It's been one of those weeks where everything seems to be a struggle and not much seems to go my way. I still think this condo thing is going to work out, but let me tell you, it has been tough! I have talked to a zillion different people and organizations in my city with not much positive outcome. I finally ended up emailing the newspaper with my story as I have been so frustrated. I was supposed to meet with the building interior designer on Friday. She didn't show up. When I called her 20 minutes after we were supposed to meet, she answered her cell phone and said "oh, well, I have to go home and feed my kid before she has to go back to school and I really should talk with the architects first before we meet." Don't you think she should have mentioned to me that she wasn't going to meet me when she figured out all that other stuff? She called me back later to tell me she had spoken with the project developer who was not willing to make changes to the balcony plans because "he feels he has already made enough concessions for the building to be accessible". Umm... what the hell???? He's building a building where people in wheelchairs can't get on the unit balconies, nor can they get on the pool deck. What the hell IS accessible about the building? The freaking front door? The fact that it's a 20 some storey building with ELEVATORS?? Well! Thank you very much for your kind consideration in making those amenities accessible. How freaking whiny of me to expect you to actually make the LIVING SPACE accessible. Holy freaking god.

Anyway, on speaking with my brother, we thought building a ramp would be the best way to go. I looked in the yellow pages and found a company that makes custom built ramps. One that would be removeable or foldable would be cool. I'll call them tomorrow to see what they have to say. I still can't believe 8 inches can be such a freaking hellish experience.

So Saturday, I headed to the gym to get my dose of eye candy and adrenaline, as well as to let go of some angst. Instead, Sunday guy is there. I say hello and politely ask him what he's doing there on a Sunday. (I'm very proud of myself for not blurting out "What the hell are you doing here taking the place of beautiful Saturday guy, you bastard?"). Turns out at Sunday guy's request, they've switched schedules for the summer. Former Saturday guy now works during the week when I'm at work. I may not see him until September, or ... ever! This was especially upsetting after last week when I finally had a bit of a longer convo than the previous disastrous one. I had this week all planned out too. Grrrrrrrrrrr!

My washroom project website is not showing up in Google. Not sure what's up with that. I've gotten no replies about it. Blah.

Oh, and I went to see The Breakup today. Blah.

On a non-blah note, I met up with this woman from a writing class I had taken. We are going to meet every couple of weeks in an effort to keep the motivation to write and bounce stuff off each other.

Tomorrow's Monday. Blah.

Red tape sucks

2006-06-07T11:26:00.000-04:00

Well, I am no further along than before on this condo balcony issue. I haven't actually been able to speak to anyone, only leave multiple messages left and right. I called back the Paraplegic Association and got some more contacts. They actually look quite promising, but who knows. The sales rep. has put the condo I'm interested on hold, but it can't stay there forever. I am discouraged, but not done yet. They have chosen to mess with a social worker, unlucky them!!! En garde!!

DIE DIE DIE!!!!!

2006-05-31T17:34:00.000-04:00

In case you may not have noticed, I'm a little angry today. I went to see Condo rep woman on the weekend to bring her my list of questions. One question was regarding the balcony. It will have a hump to get out, about 1 foot high. I asked if they could make it level so I could have access to my balcony. She said she would fax my questions to the builder. She called me today to tell me she heard back from him and that the balcony access would be an issue. They could not make the balcony door level due to potential water damage leaking in the apartment. I called an Independent Living Centre to ask if anything could be done. She said "basically, no". So then I said, "so, that means that people in wheelchairs can never have apartments or condos with balconies?" She said "basically, yes". So finally, I asked "what if I decide to renovate it myself?" She said "you can't change the structure of a building or they could sue you". Nice. I then called the Canadian Paraplegic Association. The woman I needed to speak with wasn't there so I left a message. She returned my call and left me a message giving me the name of someone who, she said, "knows everything". I will give him a call tomorrow. I just can't believe this. This is a new place that they haven't even begun to build yet! I'm also going to call the building code people. There has to be something that can be done. I am incensed!!!!

Idiot

2006-05-27T23:31:00.000-04:00

I am an idiot. Sure, I have 2 BAs, a BSW and an MSW, but it doesn't matter. I remain an idiot. I went to the gym today. Hot gym guy was there! I hadn't seen him for almost 2 months, so I assumed he had either changed shifts or left. I had kind of given up hope of seeing him again. Very disappointing. So today, when I arrived and saw him, I was so flabbergasted, that I could hardly speak in sentences. He wasn't at the counter, but in the back room and I could see him through the window. He saw me and came out to the front. Our conversation goes somewhat like this:

Me: Hey
Him: Hey, how's it going?
Me: Good, you?
Him: Good. Is it hot out?
Me: Yeah, very.
Him: Really? It was cool when I came in.
Me: (rummaging in my bag) I can't find my swipe card.
Him: It's ok, I can enter you on the computer.
Me: Oh, wait, there it is.
Me: (having swiped in) See you in a bit.
Him: Yeah, see you.

(.... an hour or so later, as he is talking to someone as I leave)

Me: Bye, see you next week.
Him: Yeah, bye.

Of course there are a ton of things I think to say now! But nooooooooooooooooooooo! Did I say "Hey, haven't seen you in a while, thought you had changed shifts"?? Noooooooooo How about "Hey, how's it going? Where've you been?" Nope! "Hey, how's it going? You know, I don't know your name..."??? Uh uh...

Can I borrow someone's social skills, please? I seem to have bruised my forehead.

Condo dilemmas

2006-05-26T17:07:00.000-04:00

So, I've decided to buy this condo. However, I'm still vascillating between 2 choices. My big dilemma is such: I can buy a small condo with a parking space that I can rent out monthly, or I can buy a bigger condo with no parking for pretty much the same price. I don't have a car. A parking space can, however, add to the resale value of the condo should I decide to leave one day, which I very well will do, especially if it's a smaller condo. My brother is trying to convince me that I shouldn't buy a condo without a parking space, as not many people would want a condo without a parking space and selling at a good price could be difficult. More space would, however, be nice. Hmmmmmm.......

Getting away with murrrrrrrderrrrrr

2006-05-17T17:00:00.000-04:00

I was thinking today, as usual. It would be totally logical if all the murderers out there were disabled. Really, think about it. How many times in your own lives, have you gotten away with murder? Ok, well, not literal murder. But people with disabilities seem to have this reputation for being innocent and completely incapable of committing any wrong or mean acts. I mean, we're too busy being brave and courageous and absolutely inspirational, right? What a FANTASTIC cover!! It's absolutely brilliant. Can't you see it on A&E's Cold Case Files now? "Really, I can't believe it. She's been my neighbour for over 15 years and she's just lovely. What a trooper, going to work every day in that adapted transport, waiting patiently every day for her driver to bring her to work. Imagine that, she works too! I mean, who would have thought she'd have the time to work, wait for her transport AND commit these heinous crimes! Apparently she even volunteered too. You know, I think we should go easy on her. She's really such an inspiration. And, you know, if I had what she had on her plate, I'd probably snap too. God bless her. I'll miss her. She was a wonderful neighbour."

I had to pick up a parcel today. While waiting in line at the post office, I was thinking that no one at that post office had ever asked me for I.D. Ironically, today they did. But it's so rare, that the chance they'd notice you on that one particular day that you decide to commit murder would be so freakishly slim.

Now, by no means am I endorsing murder, and certainly not suggesting that all you disabled people out there get right on that. But, I'm just saying... you could probably get away with it. Not that that's a good thing. Really.

I did see one of those A&E shows, probably American Justice, where the killer actually was disabled. And, let me tell you, it was rather exciting! He was caught and went to jail, as he should have, but I really thought it was great to see a person in a wheelchair portrayed as something other than bloody wonderful. I hope that in some sick, twisted way that made sense. Now if the news would do a piece on beggars who use their disability to gain sympathy, and, in turn, money and what a crock that is, or even something more useful such as how inaccessible our damn cities are, or even a story about a disabled person that has NOTHING to do with disability, instead of wasting their time on stories about people with disabilities who are labelled inspirational because they do what non-disabled folk do every freakin' day, I'd be even happier.

Is it too much to ask...

2006-05-14T22:33:00.000-04:00

to be able to see just one televised story or newscast about disability that doesn't use the word "special"?? Enough with all this "they're all so inspirational for living" crap already. Sigh.

And to be fair... daddy dearest

2006-05-07T17:38:00.000-04:00

I just spent 15 days with my father in Italy. Italy being as inaccessible as it is, meant that those 15 days were pretty much 24/7 as well. My relationship with my father is not an easy one either. In many ways it is easier than with my mother, as I am more similar to my father in many respects. But what complicates the matter is that I am my father's favourite and he showers me with attention that he does not give my brother, and I cannot stand it. It was a VERY uncomfortable 2 weeks. Well, the first week was okay, but during the second week, I reached my limit. I am all torn with emotion. See, my father is very intense. Quietly intense. He's always asking me how I'm feeling and hugging me, etc. On the one hand, I commend him because he had a difficult childhood and showing his emotions is difficult. He and my mother divorced when I was 5 and my brother was 8. For the next 15 years or so, I was kind of my father's companion. I was unequivically the most important thing in my father's life. He didn't have any serious girlfriends for that time. I was shy and reserved and didn't have many friends, so my weekend was spent solely with my father. We went to dinner together, to movies.. everything was just us two. As a child it didn't bother me too much but there was this one evening that we both remember and our interpretations are both different, though my father does not know that. He was picking me up from my mother's on a Friday night and we were going out to dinner. He leaned over to give me a hug and a kiss and I backed off and said "not on the first date". I must have been about 9. Now, my father has never been inappropriate around me, so I don't mean to imply anything of that nature. However, I do feel that our closeness has always been a little inappropriate. Inappropriate in that it was too close and intense for a father/daughter relationship. It's not that he sees me as anything other than a daughter, but in many ways I felt like his companion. He relied on me, and I had no one but him because I had few, and sometimes no, friends. He tried to give me as much love as possible and probably extra attention as a result. But I feel it was just as much, if not more, his own need, than mine. He was lonely, not very self-assured, and had few friends. Although many people liked my father, he didn't let them get close, or he doubted their friendship, or didn't see that they liked him.

As I came into my teenage years, I started to resent this closeness a little. I resented that my Friday nights were at home playing Scrabble with my father rather than going out with my friends like most kids. So, I pushed him away. When I was about 15, my mom moved cities and I went to live with my father. For the most part, it worked out well, as I wasn't getting along with my mom then. I lived with him for the next 10 years or so. He finally got a girlfriend, but this didn't change our dynamic much. I was still very much the centre of his attention, and I still pulled away. Then my stepmother came along and all changed. All his attention got diverted to her. I resented her, didn't like her. It all had happened so quickly, there was little time to adjust. She was living in another country, so before they got married and she moved here, I had only met her once. My father and her moved away after 2 years of marriage. Ever since the marriage, the time spent with my father is very awkward. It often ends up in tears. There were more heated discussions and anger at the beginning, but now it's mostly him trying to be close, me pushing him away and big tears seconds before I leave. This is what happened in Italy.

Now don't get me wrong, I love my father. And ever since he's been married, I have been trying to spend time alone with him, because it happens very rarely. He came and stayed with me for a few days a couple of times when he came to visit and she came a couple days later as she was visiting her kids in the interim. Usually it was 3 days, and that was fine. But also, I was working or volunteering or going to school so we'd usually see each other in the mornings, and then for dinner. So, I had been pushing for 7 years for this trip for the 2 of us. It took that long for him to agree and commit to a time. We planned it over the last 7 months and I was excited about going and spending time alone with him. Then, a week into it I swear to god, I wanted him to die. Ok, not literally, but I wanted to run, escape, be far, far away. And the emotions around this were astounding. They still are. First of all the accessibility issue, as I mentioned... we were sharing a hotel room. So, really, it was 24/7. I am a person who really needs my space. Anyone, if around them too long, will annoy me. I just need to retreat and hide ... often. I coudln't do that here. And my iPod wasn't working properly so I couldn't even escape into that. I would get up in the morning, and cry in the shower so he wouldn't here. I would lie in the dark, crying carefully so as not to make a sound. In the last 3 or 4 days, I wanted to cry all the time.

Now, when my father knows there's something wrong, he gets all intense. The problem was, I needed space. So, the more I withdrew, the more he'd do things like keep eye contact. It drove me crazy. In fact, it made my skin crawl. So, the more he'd do that, the more I'd avoid him, and look to the left, to the right... anywhere, but at him. If he kept it up long enough, I'd finally say "WHAT?". And he'd say "you seem distant". I'd say "I feel like you're staring at me." He'd say "I am". It's his way of trying to get me to talk, to try and let me know he's there. Well, see, I know he's there, because I can't freaking get away! I have never been comfortable with his intenseness. I have never been comfortable with the fact that he seems to find it so easy to give me attention, and resists giving any to my brother. I have asked him numerous times why he doesn't go on a trip with my brother. His answer is that he doesn't think my brother would want to spend time with him. Since I've been back, I had lunch with my brother who told me that on his last 2 of 3 trips to Asia, he has asked my dad to come along, and my dad has decline. GRRRRRRRR!!!!! Why does he spend so much time trying to get close to me as I keep pushing him away, and not bother trying to get close to my brother when my brother invites him in, which isn't often, I admit????? I can't stand it!

Since I've been back, my dad has been trying desperately to reach me. And I don't want to talk to him. I am so angry. But, for the last 12 years or so, I'm always angry at my dad and I'm tired of it, but I can't let it go either. He called me the morning after I returned, but I was getting ready for work so didn't answer the phone. Then he called me on my birthday, and I didn't answer. Today he called me, but I was actually down doing laundry. It's only been 5 days since I've been back (I should mention that he's still in Europe.. he went to France to meet my stepmom who has relatives there). He sounded upset that he can't reach me and said he'd try again while they were still there. Yet, he hasn't tried to call my brother. Each time he calls he says what a good time he's had. Ok, I get it.. he doesn't have to reassure me 5 times already! Then, of course, I feel guilty for being angry. One friend said "so let him treat you like his favourite, why not?". But I can't. I know I can't change him, but I can't accept his behaviour and attention either. I'm tired of the struggle, tired of always being angry at him, but I don't know what else to do. I feel like a horrible child.

Light Bulb

2006-05-02T22:27:00.000-04:00

Well, my recent trip has got me thinking. And I think I came up with a pretty good idea. Go to http://ca.geocities.com/mcsting@rogers.com to check it out.

Universal Bad Taste

2006-05-02T20:54:00.000-04:00

Ok, this has nothing to do with disability, but I just had to say it (ok, well I'll work some disability in there too). ! I just got back tonight from my trip to Italy and they have just as little fashion sense as we do in Canada. If I have to see one more woman in low-cut jeans that shows butt crack when she sits down, I'm going to puke. People? That isn't sexy!! That is so far from sexy! Ugh.

Modern Canadian Water Torture

2006-04-08T16:45:00.000-04:00

Remember that appointment that I had at the inaccessible office? Well, I finally had it and my doctor booked further tests to give me the complete work-up to start off his files on me. So today, I went off for an ultrasound (after checking to make sure the clinic I was going to was indeed accessible). He wanted all the internal organs checked, beginning with the bladder. Preparation? No food after I went to bed from the night before. 1 hour before the test, 32 ounces of water. Then an hour of probing on my bladder and stomache. Can you say torture? It was one of the more unbearable situations I have been through, and I've had a few nasty ones. It seemed the technician found every tender spot on my belly and pressed harder. Finally, I was allowed to get up and pee, but then had to come back as they wanted pictures of my bladder full and empty. Major relief, yes, but as you can imagine, with 32 ounces of water, it didn't take long before I needed to pee a 2nd time. And a 3rd on the way home. And... you get the picture. Oy. Ow. Oh. I can't wait for my next yearly check-up!

Rights vs. Reality

2006-04-03T18:26:00.000-04:00

I saw a therapist once who told me I had a right to find love. This was so obvious to me it was a "well, duh" moment. But of course I didn't say that to her. But it made me examine my own attitude toward relationships. Yes, I have a right to love, as I have a right to access, to equal treatment, to be an astronaut. The reality is, just because you have a right to something doesn't mean you're going to get it. What good does it do me to know I have a right to be in a relationship with a man if no man I desire thinks of me in a romantic way? What am I supposed to do with that right?

I have asked two men out in my life, both times have been less than successful. They were both via email, so making it much easier to be let down. The first time, he was the one. The ONE. I was crushed, devastated (again, I think I mentioned this in a previous blog. Have I so little to say that I have to repeat myself so often? Oy!). After him, there was no one for years. In fact, even now, I don't allow myself to become interested in someone to that point anymore. He didn't mean to hurt me, but that rejection took my heart, pounded on it with a sledgehammer and crushed it into a million tiny pieces. I have still not recovered, and I don't know how to.

Some eight years later, here I am finding myself in a situation where I've asked out someone else (also mentioned in a previous post). My 2nd choice was very calculated. He doesn't make my head spin. He does not attract me. We don't have much in common. He is safe because of this. He cannot break my heart. In fact I'm sure I will tire of him before he tires of me as a friend. This is already beginning to happen. But he is someone, a body, and fulfills a need.

There is this guy behind the counter of the gym I go to. He works Saturdays. I say hello and we have a little conversation every time I go. But I don't know what else to do with it. I could not possibly ask him out, because he is not safe. I actually care and want something out of it. There's too much at stake. If I could ask someone out without them actually thinking I've asked them out, then maybe I could do it. But then that would be pointless, right?

When my therapist told me I have a right to love, my first thought was no one I am interested in could possibly be interested in me that way so what's the point? Self-fulfilling prophecy, perhaps? Maybe.

I've realized that the least painful way to deal with unrequited love is not to love in the first place. Not to hope, desire, dream, want. Turn right off. I don't want to be there anymore.

I hope you've all had better luck in you being your type's type.

The wheels on the bus...

2006-03-31T17:32:00.000-05:00

Yes, more bus issues. Damn, I'm beginning to dread the bus. Today I get to the stop first and am waiting for the bus. Two colleagues come shortly after and we talk about our day. The bus comes and they get on the side door and I go in the front. The bus is crowded today, true, but there was space near me where they could have stood. They probably didn't see it, but they didn't look. So they stayed together for the trip and I read my book. Finally one of them gets off, and the other stays on past her usual stop. She makes her way over to me and asks me which stop she should get off to get to such and such a street. I was really pissed off. And I'm sure it showed. I felt really pissed off that she came to speak to me when the other woman was gone, but didn't bother to make her way until then. Especially since all 3 of us were waiting at the stop together. I know I shouldn't expect people to stay with me, but I just feel it's thoughtless not to. Especially if you're going to come up to me after to ask me a question. I really feel separated in situations like that. I feel saying something is pointless, but people don't understand how isolating it is sometimes to be disabled and have to do things differently than others. Of course my obsessive personality doesn't help situations like this :). Blah!

Mommy Dearest

2006-03-31T16:47:00.000-05:00

I remember a few years back having a conversation with 2 disabled friends of mine. We ended up talking about our mothers and realized that we all had something in common. Our mothers were crazy. Overbearing, dominant, guilt-giving, unrealistic crazy. It started me wondering about how many other people with disabilities had crazy mothers. And of course the question that comes from that is.. which came first, the disabled child or the crazy mother? Now, in defense of our mothers, I must say that a) I am certain it's not easy bringing up a disabled child, b) everybody has a bit of craziness in them. Lord knows I do! But my 2 friends and I noticed that our mothers were very similar in this regard.

I think this would make a very interesting study. I love my mother, but I can't be around her for too long before she starts driving me crazy. Bang your head on a brick wall crazy. My mother feels that in order to make friends, I have to be extraordinary. She always said she had hoped I would be an artist because everyone would be in awe of that talent and just naturally want to be around me. That is wrong on just so many levels. First of all, that is naturally coming from her own biased viewpoint. She values art. I do draw. Sometimes quite well. I have a glimmer of talent which my procrastinating nature never really nurtured. But it doesn't matter to me. It's a hobby I dabble in sometimes. Whatever. When I chose social work, she wasn't happy with that. she felt life was hard enough for me, why would I want to listen to other people's problems. It's funny, I see her point to an extent, but it is still narrow-minded. I don't have the patience in my personal life to listen to people who only talk about problems or heck, even only talk about themselves. I used to be able to deal with that, not anymore. However in my professional life, I quite enjoy it. I can separate it because it is my role to listen to them. I am in control as I chose to do this. In your personal life, when you have friends who are too needy (and for a while those were the only type of friends I was attracting), it feels beyond your control. That doesn't mean that I don't want to listen to my friends talk about their problems. Of course I have patience for that, but to a point. I am there for my good friends as they are there for me. But I will also challenge them. If they are whining about the same crap, I will tell them that they are not doing anything to change their situation and I won't be as patient. If they are trying to change their situation and it's just not working, I'll be very compassionate. But, that was a tangent. Back to mothers...

What my mother really didn't and doesn't get is that all her talk about having a great talent to draw people to you affected me negatively. It made me afraid to be who I am, whoever that is, for fear it's not good enough for "normal" folk to like. I was always told to cover up my legs and feet because they are deformed so I'll "look pretty". Same with my weight. "You'd be so pretty if you were thinner". I had to hide as much of my disability as possible and overcompensate for it by doing extraordinary things. I wasn't allowed to be just a normal girl with a disability. I feel like I'm repeating myself as I think I talked about some of this in an early post. But, I am wondering how many of us have mothers who had trouble dealing with our disability. I'm sure most have trouble, but how many have mothers like I describe, who put the onus on us to do 90% of the work to draw others to us and make fulfilling relationships? If someone runs out of their way to open a door for me (which I hate) my mom replies with "I'd love to have someone do that for me, you should just accept it." I find that funny. I'm supposed to be as independent as I can, and possibly more, yet not complain when others help when they think I need it. Her response when I was in high school and had no friends was "keep busy, act like you're too busy to spend time with them."

Then there's the discussions about my brother that comes up a couple times a year. My parents have been divorced for 30 years. My mother still blames my father for not helping my brother more financially. My brother is 3 years older than me and lives with my mother. I take my father's side. He's not perfect by any means. And yes, he and my brother have issues. They are not close. They dont' fight, have no animosity toward each other, but they are not close. I've always been helped financially by my father. I lived with him from mid-teens to mid-twenties. I got more, it's true. But on the flip side, my brother has always been very irresponsible with money, whereas I haven't. My brother worked with my mother. Long story short, he doesn't anymore, but hasn't found a job for himself. He is living under her roof, spending her money. And she likes it. She needs that. She would never admit it though. It's a self-serving relationship, however if my mother were to die tomorrow, my brother would be lost. She doesn't think so. She thinks she's helped him get his self-esteem. I disagree. Whatever the situation, it is wrong to blame my father. My father was harsh with my brother, but he had to be. My brother had his deviant phase and needed to prove he could be trusted again. Anyways, there's lots more to it, but all this to say that when we talk about it my mother always said "the doctors told us when you were born that you'd be fine, that it was your brother we'd have to worry about, being the sibling of a disabled child. He will get less attention and it will be harder for him." I'm sure it was very hard for him at times. And I used to spend nights awake worrying about him and what I needed to do to fix it. I won't do that anymore. I won't go there with my mother. But I really resented her telling me that. I'm a 35 year old woman with major problems to my self-esteem. I have trouble connecting with people. I have few close friends, none male. All male friends I've had have not lasted long, with the exception of one. I have dated one person for a period so short he doesn't even qualify as a boyfriend. I'm insecure, have issues with my weight. Low self-confidence. I yearn for approval. Even with friends I do have, I am never secure they consider me as good a friend as I consider them. I don't say this to get a collective "awww" out of you. I say this to explain. When my mother told me the doctor said I'd be fine, I'm wondering what freaking planet she's on if she thinks that I'm so much better off than my brother. My brother still lives with my mom and has no job of his own, yes. But he has friends. And he is well liked. He hasn't had a lot of girlfriends, as far as we know (he doesn't talk about it... but it's been about 12 years since we've met one), but it's not for lack of interest from them.

Any of this sounding familiar to anyone?

Condo or go home... wait.. I am home!!

2006-03-27T11:37:00.000-05:00

I've been living for the past 2 years in a basement apartment. It is not an "accessible" apartment, per se, but it suits my needs for the most part. Having said that, it is by no means perfect. For one thing, I live over the boiler room. Nice and toasty, you might say? Totally overrated, I say. I have had my air conditioner on throughout most of the winter. Otherwise, it would be 32 degrees (90ish for you Fahrenheit folk). When I moved here, I had to find a place to live rather quickly. There were no lists, no services that really were able to help me. I made a gazillion phone calls all with dead ends. I ended up pounding the pavement. Going up and down the streets of the area I wanted to live in and seeing apartments that were in buildings that had no steps. Long and labourious. And utterly frustrating, as 95% of the apartments had components that would not work. 95% of that 95% being problems with bathrooms being too small and bathroom doors being too narrow. So, I thought recently that maybe it's time to go condo. There are some newer condo buildings around. They have a better (cough, cough) chance of being accessible, but even if they are not, I would be able to do renovations as I pleased. So the hunt will start soon. We'll see what kind of concrete jungle it is.

And the winner is...

2006-03-27T11:32:00.000-05:00

That list thing really helped. It made me realize what was really important to me. To the uninvolved reader, the lists may seem rather equal on both sides, but after looking at each item, one really stuck out. Stimulating. That was the single, most important factor for me. I think I'd get bored quicker at the smaller job. Permanency isn't everything and I was really focussed on 'can I really turn down a permanent job?'. Well, yes, of course I can. So, I believe (for the moment, at least), that I will go with the non-permanent job in the bigger place.

Add it all up.

2006-03-25T07:10:00.000-05:00

Well, I've been thinking. A lot. Last week I started my 6 month (actually 5+) position at my original place of work. I'm really, really enjoying it. It's really made me aware of how much I enjoy this environment more than the other. I was talking to my brother about it last night and he suggested the old pros and cons list of working at either place. So, here goes:

Pros of taking the permanent job:

1. Well, duh.. it's permanent! Benefits! Vacation! Sick days!
2. The staff is great. I get along with them and feel part of the team (well, as much as I can in a group setting, where I'm never really very comfortable).
3. I feel wanted and appreciated. Last week was social work week and, even though I've only been there 2 months, Everyone signed a card for me. It was really nice!
4. I get a lot of support as a new staff member.
5. My boss is pretty lenient.
6. You are always free to apply to other jobs within the hospital.

Cons of taking the permanent job:

1. My foot would be out of the door of the other place.
2. The floor smells really bad sometimes.
3. It's a smaller place and less anonymous. (yes, I put that as a con :))
4. The organization has been in a lot of flux lately. They are in the middle of a downsizing and reorganization phase, which I've heard happens every few years. A lot of instability. Since I've been there, 2 of our 3 doctors have changed, our physio has changed, the social worker will (obviously) change. As well, the amount of time of each job has changed. The physio is reduced from 3 to 2 days. Social work from 1 1/2 positions to 1 full time position. Chances are though that it won't change again in the near future.
5. The cafeteria is awful.
6. The environment isn't as stimulating.
7. There are less opportunities if I ever want to change positions within the hospital.

Pros of staying at the other place:

1. It's bigger, more anonymous.
2. There are more opportunities for permanent jobs.
3. It's a more stimulating environment.
4. They have recently started a supervision program to give more support to newer staff.
5. The cafeteria is great.
6. They have more social work specific learning opportunities

Cons of staying at the other place:

1. The whole bus issue from a previous post... I can now take the bus, but I still feel awkward about it... it causes a lot of anxiety.
2. I'm not permanent yet.
3. My foot would be out of the door of the other place.
4. My boss is pretty tough.
5. Once you take a contract or a permanent position, you cannot apply for another position for the first 6 months of being in that position. Well, actually, technically you can apply, but they don't have to consider you and my boss has never considered anyone who has applied within the first 6 months of being in another position so chances are pretty much nil. This makes it harder to become permanent.

That's all I can think of for the moment. I might add pros and cons as I think of them. Let me mull over it for a bit.

So indecisive...

2006-03-12T01:18:00.000-05:00

I've got a little conundrum to ponder. When I moved here, I was employed by a large organization and have really enjoyed it. The problem is, I have been on contract, covering people on vacation, on mat leave, on sabbatical... which means no benefits... no vacation pay, no holiday pay, no sick day pay. No dental coverage, etc. However, I do get pay in lieu of so the cash flow is pretty good actually. I've worked there about 2 years. I have interviewed for 5 permanent positions with no luck. The person who was awarded the last job I interviewed for is on maternity leave. She is switching jobs internally. She has 6 months left of mat leave. I was 2nd choice and therefore asked to sit in for her for that remaining time. When you take a covering position like that, you are stuck in it for at least 6 months. I cannot apply to other positions within the organization while in that position.

During the fall, work had been slow. I went 2 1/2 months with nothing. As a result I applied elsewhere and got a job as a contract worker at another place. It turns out the position I have been covering there is becoming permanent and I have a very good chance of getting it, but of course it is not certain. Long story short, I accepted the first 6 month position, but am applying for the permanent job at the 2nd place and told my boss there that I would take that job if given it. I'm having a bit of anxiety over this decision! Here's why:

Basically, if I get the 2nd job, I'll have to leave the first job, which is one of the largest employers for my field in the city. Once I leave, which will probably be only a couple weeks after I start the first job, I will not be in the good books with my first employer. Getting back in there should things not go well with the permanent job will be difficult as I'm sure my boss will not be too happy with my leaving right after I start a position. I really enjoy the present position at the second place, but for some reason I am hesitant about giving up the first employer. I worry about burning bridges I may later need.

The place with the permanent position has a great staff, colleagues I get along with. But it is going through a lot of changes and restructuring. There have been lay offs. My field is sorted out so I am not worried that will affect me, but there have been so many new staff lately it's been quite radical. And it affects the environment. There are office politics at both places and I believe it's pointless to hash those out here. No place is perfect. But it is a smaller place and in my introverted nature, I like the anonymity that you can choose to have with a bigger place.

Oh, did I mention the cafeteria sucks at the permanent place? ;)

I am trying not to worry about it now, as I have some time before the interview and I find out what is what. But, as you know, I'm a worrier :).

And a rambler.

Have I made sense at all? I'm so confused!!

Back off, Sister, I've got metal and I'm not afraid to use it!!!

2006-03-02T17:05:00.000-05:00

Oh my god I can't believe today's only Thursday. This has been an incredibly long, stressful week at work. Plus, I have this weird damn cold that can't make up its mind whether it's coming or going. This week has been bad, but today has been the busiest day at work since I started this job. I had a meeting with a family and I kept getting interrupted for other "emergencies". I had apple juice spilled on me. Adapted Transport has been late all week so I figured, with my luck, today would be the day it was on time because I got down 5 minutes late. I was right. Luckily, it was still there though. It took me 10 minutes to take the elevator down 4 floors. I was intercepted by a group of nuns. They were taking patients in wheelchairs up a floor and got on the elevator heading down instead of up so I couldn't get off on my floor without all of them getting off, which they didn't, so I had to go back up again and then down finally. One of the nuns asked me "who is pushing you, dear?" I mustered up all the patience and politeness I had left and said "nobody". She then grabbed my name tag to see who I was. I growled "I work here" and she left me alone. Just as the door was about to close after all the nuns exited the elevator, another nun blocked the door from closing and asked me where I was going and who was pushing me. I just smiled and nodded at her and hit the "close door" button. She looked worried.

Grrrrrrdohgrrrrrrrrrr!!

2006-03-01T13:28:00.000-05:00

Today I experienced one of those experiences where you want to totally blame other people, but you know you can't. I had a doctor's appointment today. It was with a specialist. I had waited 6 months for it. My doctor's office made the appointment for me. I didn't think twice about it. I marked it in my calendar. I took time off from work, took the bus far out to it. I get there and it's in one of those "house" type doctor's offices. 6 steps to enter, and then some more inside. A passerby asks if I need them to go inside and get someone. I say please. The doctor comes out and apologizes and says he'll have to make an appointment for me at his clinic at the hospital. Doh! I assumed because my doctor's office knew I was in a wheelchair, that the place would be accessible. They should have been a bit brighter, yes. But I should not have assumed myself and therefore should have checked beforehand. Luckily they were able to reschedule me at the hospital for next week so I don't have to wait another 6 months. But... doh! Doh! Doh! Doh!

What happened to good television???

2006-02-23T16:07:00.000-05:00

I've long understood that your average ABC, NBC, CBS, CBC, and CTV (Canada), FOX have let more and more crap seep through their programming. We still had good channels like TLC, A&E, The Discovery Channel, and PBS. Now it seems like PBS may be the only decent contender left standing. The ironic thing is I hardly watch PBS. I was perusing the TV listings for this evening and found TLC to be showing: "It's Not Easy Being a Wolf Boy" and "The Man Whose Arms Exploded". Lastnight they had "The 700 Pound Man" and "The Boy Without a Face". If you turn over to A&E you get lovely alternatives like "Dog, the Bounty Hunter" and "Growing Up Gotti". Not to mention the usual slop of shows like "Big Brother", "Wife Swap", "The Swan", and "Extreme Makeover" (not the Home Edition, which is tolerable). I am disgusted by media. Disgusted. Dis. Gus. Ted. Run for cover now, folks, the people growing up on this crap will be running this planet soon. Donald Trump help us all.

Amen.

And I believe this is the last word on the subject in question...

2006-02-20T12:12:00.000-05:00

Met up with that guy yesterday. He called me 6 days after the date that wasn't a date. We decided to meet up in the afternoon. I must say it was a really nice day. We did some cultural city stuff and then went for coffee. While we were walking around things were nice and relaxed, we were joking around and I was really having a good time. Then we went for coffee and things got a little weird from there. He finished his drink first and I was still working on mine. Conversation got a little stilted again, but I'm used to that. I was still putting out those "I'm interested" signals, but trying not to hit him over the head with it, you know? Then I just noticed that he seemed really uncomfortable all of a sudden. He wasn't looking at me much, his eyes darting around to my left and my right. I finally finished up my drink and said "shall we go". I don't know if it was my imagination, but he said "yes" perhaps a little too quickly. We get outside and I said it was a fun day. He said "yes, we'll have to meet up again sometime". Then he said "I'm going this way" so I said "bye" and we went our separate ways. It was a bit confusing at first, but after analyzing everything that's gone on so far (with the help of some friends), I realize that things are not going to be going on in the date fashion. I was a little angry about it coz he shouldn't have accepted to go on a date with me if he wasn't going to consider it a date. But then again, I have to realize that it's not easy to turn someone down and he is kinda awkward himself, and that he probably wanted to hang out as friends and so said yes. So, I will readjust myself, although I'm a little sad. I will refrain from any further signalling, remain friendly and just generally tone it down a notch and see where that goes. Bah humbug! ;)

Levels of appropriateness

2006-02-20T11:41:00.000-05:00

Despite my desire not to work with the disabled community, I found myself working with just that population a couple of years ago. You would think that those who work with disability would be a little more enlightened about disability. As I'm sure many of you have experienced, this is far from being usually the case. My boss at the time was, well... (looking for a nice word for a lunatic...) ... odd. At the beginning, things were fine. She was very nice and supportive. Then one day she went ballistic. I had forgotten to do something. Totally my fault. I apologized and felt bad. It should have been over and done with, but no... she brings it up again a couple months later when she is not happy with my performance. You don't need to know the details, just enough of that background to understand the rest. I told her I had to write things down as people tell them to me, or else it's gone. Her next question to me was: "Do you have a shunt?". Holy freaking cow! I was dumbfounded! I could not believe she asked me that. I was so incredilous, in fact, that I could think of nothing to do but answer her "no". Now, for those of you who may not know about a shunt, it is a tube inserted in the head to drain water that forms on the brain in a condition called hydrocephalus, which is a condition that sometimes is associated with my disability, spina bifida.

That was pretty freakin' inappropriate in my opinion. I thought someone who had spent 15+ years working with people with disabilities would know enough to differentiate that I am a co-worker and NOT a patient. My work there, luckily, ended very shortly afterwards.

I work in a hospital now. I find that working with patients can be interesting and many of them ask me about my disability. Who asks, and the context, will determine the answer I give. I do find a small number of colleagues ask me. I had a physio ask me once and she said she was curious as it was her profession to work with people with disabilities. I answered her coz I liked her. I've had other colleagues who ask me and I tell them I'd rather not answer. But, I am uncomfortable telling someone that what they've just asked me is inappropriate. I am all to aware of the "bitch" image that we can get when we get angry at others for trying to help or being curious or whatever.

I've also had doctors who tell me I am very independent. (Duh!... thanks, I didn't know). I guess by comparison I am able to move more than many others with disabilities. But, my arms work perfectly so why the hell should it be so amazing that I can... actually... use... them?

A disabled but able to walk friend of mine once told me that when she was younger she thought she was pregnant. She went to her doctor and her doctor immediately booked an abortion for her without asking her for consent or even her wishes.

Taxi drivers ask me why I don't take the disabled transit service. (I do, by the way, just not all the time).

A academic/vocational counselor, when I approached her for help on getting into the social work program suggested I do some volunteer work with the paraplegic association. When I told her I wasn't interested in working with people with disabilities she said "how about the association for the blind"?

Someone tried to pay for me in the grocery store once.

Someone tried to give me money while I was waiting at a corner for friends (wearing an expensive suede jacket and bunch of large university text books on my lap). He asked if I were really disabled. I said "uhhh, yes..." and when he proceeds to give me some change, I tell him I am not begging but simply waiting.

A neighbour who offers help every time I see them.

A landlord who won't change the direction of a bathroom door so I can fit in and rent the apartment with some privacy when I have guests.

A landlord who tells me he can take the bathroom door right off so I can fit in and rent the apartment without some privacy when I have guests.

Eight thousand three hundred and sixty-two

2006-02-17T06:16:00.000-05:00

You know when you get that comment about how you better slow down or you'll get a speeding ticket? I've always wanted to get the nerve to just answer something like "8362". And when I get that puzzled look, I'll explain "the number of times I've been told that comment by someone who thinks they're the first and that they've just come up with something really, really funny."

The Big D

2006-02-10T11:29:00.000-05:00

So, it has been. Yes, last night was the big date with the guy in question. How did it go, you may ask? I wish I could answer that clearly! But truthfully, I have no freaking clue! I am SO confuuuuuuused!

I took about an hour and a half to get all gussied up. That included a nice, long shower, nails, hand care, hair, make-up. I don't usually do that routine, but for special occasions it's a nice treat. I don't wear a lot of make-up, but I have very sensitive skin that flushes easily. So, I had bought this cream blush that had a very natural "rosy cheek" colour. When I dabbed it on (an hour before I was supposed tomeet him), my cheeks went "poof". Red, red, red!!! By the end of the evening they were back to normal, but I'm not sure of their state when I got to the restaurant.

We met at the restaurant at 7:00 p.m., arriving at the same time. I was so freaking nervous I thought I was going to swallow my tongue. But once we were seated at the table I became calmer. When I took off my coat, he seemed to look pleased at my attire, but perhaps a bit surprised. I took a positive mental note. I ordered a glass of red wine, he ordered a beer. We made small talk for a while. I felt like a complete chatter box whenever there was silence, but I did wait for him to speak often and introduce a subject.

By 8:40 we were done (tea but no dessert). The bill came and he goes to pay for it. I object, saying I asked him out. He was determined not to let me pay the whole thing, but I was determined not to let him pay the whole thing either. So he finally says "how about we go halfsies". I had to agree. So, we split the bill and then set out to leave. Outside he said "would you like me to walk you home?". This perked me up as I felt it was a good sign. We walked home. The entrance to my building is a bit back from the street, so I stopped on the sidewalk as we approached and said "this is me". He said good night and I said "give me a call". He said "ok" and left.

That was it.

No hug.

No kiss on the cheek even.

Technically this would be the 3rd time we've met up. But was this a date? I was pretty sure that I had set the tone for a "date". I figured using the term "dinner date" and "Friday night" were pretty darn clear indicators of this being a date. And, I mean, if that wasn't clear enough, it should have been clear by the way I was dressed! He was dressed in grey slacks, a striped dress shirt and a sweater. I don't know, am I reading too much into this? Was the walking home thing a male chivalrous thing regardless of date status? Does someone really agree to a dinner date without considering it a dinner date? I didn't feel comfortable making another first move like going to give him a hug at the end. Damn it, I want some of that from him.

So, I guess whatever is up, the ball is in his court. I told him to call me so I will wait to see how he responds. I suppose he could just be THAT reserved that this will be painfully slow if it does go anywhere. Or it could be that I've created a situation that doesn't really exist. To be continued...

How much is really in our head?

2006-02-05T08:53:00.000-05:00

So, my upcoming date started me thinking. My dating life has been pretty barren, to put it mildly. I've always had this struggle with myself, trying to reason things out.

As I've already mentioned, and I'm sure is pretty clear anyway, I think too much. I overanalyze everything. So how much does disability really get in the way of "normal" life; having friends, "normal" family dynamics (whatever they are), going on dates, having a sex life, going to university, having a career, getting married, having children... etc? I tend to think it gets in the way quite a bit, but there's that nagging question of whether it's a self-fulfilling prophecy. I've always been told (by my mother) that life would be harder for me. And in many ways it has been. I'm mid-thirties and my professional and personal life are not near those of my able-bodied peers. Now, I know for sure that there are a lot of people out there who either a) wouldn't give a disabled person the time of day, b) will think that they always have to help a disabled person because things are "harder" for them, c) will look out them as heroes ("bravo") for simply living, d) will always be nervous around a disabled person for fear of not knowing what to do/saying the wrong thing. Those 4 aspects don't cover 100% of people, for sure. But, would you say they cover over half? How much of this barrier inside my head is really inside my head and how much of it is an actual barrier? I phrased that wrong... an internal barrier is still an actual barrier. But how much of it is barriers we make ourselves as opposed to barriers imposed on us. Yes, the barrier inside my head is shaped by external barriers, certainly, but it's still something which I have control over. Yet, letting go of it means facing my fears. Huge fears. Gargantuan fears. What if I'm right? What if it really isn't all in my head? Ok, I know it's not all in my head, and I also know it's not all out of my head. There are many people with disabilities who get married, have kids, lead full lives doing what they enjoy. And then there are the shut-ins. And a whole spectrum of people in between.

No matter how much someone tells me I have the right to make friends with or date who I want, it doesn't allieviate that fear. The fear's too big. Of course I have the right. I have the right to walk too, but I can't do it. I can have the right to do anything, but if you get shot down all the time what the hell good is that right? And you don't always know you'll get shot down before you try... but sometimes you do. Often you do. And regardless, that little nagging voice in my head says that that chance negates the right I have to what I want in the first place. It negates it. Totally negates it.

I've had many friends come and go. I've even had men interested in me (considerably less than many). But I don't want just anyone. The few men who have shown an interest are men that I have not been interested in. The first person I dated was someone I wasn't interested in, but I didn't know it at the time. I was so overwhelmed with feeling someone else's interest in me that it overshadowed my own lack of interest. I have become quite cynical and jaded in my life. I find very few people really, truly interest me. I've tried to challenge that, but it doesn't feel right. Giving someone the benefit of the doubt is tough when they bore and annoy you. Being disabled has made me see the world in a very different way than I might otherwise have seen it. But then again, maybe not. Maybe I would have thought this way regardless. I'm not interested in going out partying every Saturday night. I like wine and beer and vodka, but I enjoy downing a Coke more than anything. Sure, I like to look good, but I hardly wear make-up and find less and less will I sacrifice comfort for fashion. I don't care too much what my friends look like either. I say "too much" because yes, I do care a little. I wouldn't want to be with someone who shows up at a fancy restaurant in sweat pants, really.

A couple friends have asked me what attracts me to my near future date. I find it hard to pin down. He's balding, has a big nose, is extremely formal when we're setting up plans. If we're meeting in 2 days he'll email me to say "I'll meet you on Tuesday, February 7th, at 7:00p.m. by the ticket office at such and such movie theatre". I find it amusing. I know he's nervous so I also find it a bit sweet, but maybe in 6 months it'll bug the crap out of me. We'll see. But for now, I'd much rather actually have someone who is real, down to earth, genuine, and doesn't seem to be fazed by my being in a wheelchair than spend my time swooning over someone I completely can't have, however smart, beautiful, witty and sarcastic they may be. (Gotta love that sarcasm!).

Bravo!

2006-02-03T06:54:00.000-05:00

There's this elderly volunteer at work, who feels the need to say something to me every time he sees me. Yesterday it was "Bravo". Yeah. I'm glad it's Friday.

Long overdue

2006-02-01T17:59:00.000-05:00

So, some things have been happening lately. Some good, some bad. I mentioned that I had found some casual work for a while. That will be full time until the end of March. After that, there may be a possibility to stay on, but it's all up in the air right now as the place is going through some major restructuring. Ahhhh, the trials and tribulations of funding. Anyway, I'm enjoying doing something different for now and certainly happy to have the hours. I had an interview for another job on Friday the 13th at the place I'm also employed as a casual worker, and was told we'd here about it by the end of the month. Well, yesterday I got a call from my boss at 5 minutes before the end of the work day. Can't be any more "by the end of the month" than that.. I guess she wasn't kidding! Anyway, I didn't get the job. But there are more opportunities coming. I know I interviewed very well for that position so I am disappointed about not getting it, but competition was stiff, so c'est la vie.

Now for the good. Last Thursday the coffee guy emailed me asking if I wanted to see a movie sometime. I emailed him back saying I'd love to, so he suggested that Sunday. We went to see Mrs. Henderson Presents. Lovely movie by the way. Nothing like a film with lots of naked men (full frontal, ladies) and women in it to put that final prod toward a budding relationship ;). After the movie he suggested we go for coffee and tried to pay again (he paid for the movie) and I said I'd take care of it coz he had paid for everything else up until now. We had a good time. He's opening up a bit more and seems slightly less quiet and nervous. Anyway, as datingly inept as I am, I wasn't sure what he really had in mind and if we were on the same wavelength. So, I couldn't stand the suspense and that nervous "I'm going to puke" feeling I was getting. Ok, it was actually a nice feeling, but I really wanted to know if we were dating or not. So I emailed him Monday to tell him I enjoyed the movie and had a great time talking to him over coffee and wondered if he'd "like to go on a dinner date some Friday evening". I figured that was pretty gosh darn clear. So, I waited. And I waited. And I checked my email. Every. Single. Hour. Practically. The pukiness feeling intensified and was interspersed with feelings of "oh my god, what have I done. I've made a mistake. I shouldn't have done that. I've probably gone and messed the whole thing up by forcing things and being too eager and scared him off and I'll just never date again ever in my entire life I'm a loser ugh."

Anyway, this afternoon right after lunch he replied saying he also had a great time and was glad we went for coffee afterwards and he would like to go on a dinner date with me. He suggested next Thursday, but said if Friday's were really better for me he wasn't available until the 17th. I figure sooner is better than later and I'll settle for the Thursday. He has long standing plans on Saturday nights so they're always out. I figure tomorrow I'll give him a call and take this off email finally.

So I'm going on a date. A real date. Oh my freakin' god! What should I wear? Where should we eat? What if he tries to pay again? What if he doesn't kiss me?? What if it's awful?

Tee hee :)

You think you know someone...

2006-01-24T06:26:00.000-05:00

I've all but given up trying to figure people out. I usually know right away if I don't like someone and nothing they do or say can make me sway my mind. There are others who I learn to dislike after I get to know. When I moved here, I met this woman who became my friend pretty quickly. In fact, it's the woman I have previously mentioned in my blog.. the friend I never see. We met outside of work twice within the first 6 months of knowing each other. The last time we met was last February. This woman would call me all the time and have long hours of chats. We had lots of things to talk about, but we'd never get together. I told her this bugged me, and that I was always the one initiating plans, and she was always the one telling me she couldn't coz she already had plans. She told me that she felt talking on the phone was a good replacement when there was no time to see each other. I'd agree, except when it becomes a substitute to seeing the other person. She'd always tell me if I needed anything to not hesitate to call her. She would also say sometimes we should get together but never fix a time. I told her finally that I would wait for her to initiate something coz all my efforts led to a dead end, and I'm too insecure to keep trying when I keep getting knocked down. She said she'd try. That was about 7 months ago.

So for the last little while I've been thinking about her and feeling uncomfortable. I did some shift work where she works over the holidays and I emailed her the first day. She called me back and said we should meet for lunch. I called her the Wednesday at noon and left a message for her saying I could come to her work area or we could go to the caf. No answer. So, I gave up. Then, 2 weeks later, on my last week of work, I ran into her at work and she said we should do lunch the next day and to give her a call. I was torn about whether I would or not. Then, the next day, as it turned out, I gave my hand a nasty bash turning a corner too closely and quickly. There was swelling and everything. I spent lunch in my office with some ice in a facecloth. I emailed her to let her know I couldn't make it.

So, I fretted about what to do for a couple weeks more and finally last Thursday I decided to email her. I sent her an e-card actually. I told her I had been annoyed with her lately, and that it had been almost a year since we'd seen each other outside of work. I told her that I needed to see my friends more often, that I didn't feel telephone calls were as good if they became a replacement for ever seeing that person. I told her I thought about her a lot and said basically if friends are too busy to see each other more than once a year in the same city, what was the point. I said I hoped we could work something out and didn't want to lose her as a friend, but if things kept on as they did, we'd drift.

She didn't reply.

I guess she wasn't as good a friend as I thought. Friends don't usually run away when you say you'd like to see them more than once a year. I didn't think it was a big demand. .

Things don't need to be going badly to bitch...

2006-01-17T17:10:00.000-05:00

... or do they?

You may have noticed I've been a bit quiet lately. Well, things have been happening. First, I got some work over the holidays. 3 weeks worth, to be exact. It was very, very, very, (did I mention very?) nice!! I feel like my sanity is slowly restoring itself and things are not all black and negative as they were a month or two ago. So, I worked over the holidays, and then on the Monday after my last week of work, my boss calls me to let me know another organization needs casual workers. I gave them a call right away, and an interview was set on the Wednesday. I was hired on the Thursday. So, now I'm a casual replacement worker at two places. Also, I've had an interview for a permanent position at my first place of employment. I think the interview went amazingly, but there were a lot of candidates, so by no means do I feel confident that I have it in the bag.

Yesterday I started a full week of training for my new job. So far so good. Then, at the end of the day, the woman who I was orientating with told me they were in desperate need of someone to do a full-time position until the end of March and would I be available. I told her I would be very interested, but that I was waiting for news on this other permanent position. I let her know that I could certainly do the position until I heard that I was hired by the first place, and obviously longer if I didn't get the position. I was also told that there are possibilities of permanence at the 2nd place. So, possibilities, folks, possibilities. Oh, and one bonus of working at this new place would be that the gym has a hand cyle! Woo hoo!!!

Ok, so anyway, as you can see, things are going along pretty well. So today, I'm at the caf for lunch during orientation. And this guy behind me really, really, really, really, REALLY wants to help me. I had to fend him off THREE times! He goes to grab my plate as the guy behind the counter is passing it to me. I tell him I'm fine. Then, he gets me again at the cash register when I put my tray down on the counter to pay. He goes to grab the tray to help me put it down. Again, I tell him I'm fine, with a little less pleasantries in my voice. And finally, after we both pay, he is behind me again as I go to get a fork, which he really wants to pass to me. At this point I tell him bluntly I don't need his help, but it doesn't seem to faze him. I swear to god (although I'm an athiest), that if he were to try to help me one more time I would have blown his freaking head off. GRRRR GRRR GRRRR GRRRR GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!

On another note, as a follow-up to my last post, I finally met up for coffee with that guy. I don't think it was a date, although he did pay for my drink, which was confusing. The funny thing is that, as I said before, he's quite shy and a bit awkward himself. Originally when he replied to my email, he said he'd email me in January. So, by Janary 11th he hadn't contacted me, so I decided to email him again and get the ball rolling. I asked him when and where would be convenient for him. He came up with the place we had run into each other in December. So, we met up, and it was nice. We talked for a bit, but it was also a bit awkward. The conversation faltered quite often. I felt like I was gabbing away to make up for his silence. Anyway, after about an hour and a half, we left, leaving it open. He said something like we should do this again, and I agreed and said we both had each other's coordinates and to be in touch. And that was it. So, anyway, whatever it was, it was enjoyable. I'm pretty sure it wasn't a date, although him paying for my tea threw me off. But anyway.

That's enough weirdness for today. :)

Is this a date or do you just like caffeine?

2005-12-15T00:08:00.000-05:00

So, I think I just asked someone out this week. I'll set the scene. When I first moved here I joined a bunch of stuff in order to keep busy and meet people. It's always in the back of my mind, of course, that it would be nice to meet a guy, but I'm usually to shy/insecure to even think of asking a guy out. Anyway, one of the groups I joined had this guy. He caught my attention. Now, it wasn't in the "OH....MY..... GOD!" kinda way. Not that way at all. In fact, he caught my eye moreso because he was kinda, well, odd. He is possibly more shy and introverted and awkward than I am. And, well, he's not exactly eye candy. Ok, now that many of you are probably thinking I'm either totally shallow, or totally off my rocker for saying all these things about a guy I just potentially asked out, keep reading. I have dated one person a very long time ago for a very short period of time. My track record is not great. I have mostly been interested in people who have not been interested in me. The few people who have been interested in me have been people I have not been interested in. People say all this "beyond your league" crap is crap, but I don't believe that. There are people who just are not going to date you no matter what. As you get older, most of the time you realize that those people aren't worth your time of day, but there is still often that person who you desire and they are just forever out of reach.

After my short relationship ended (it wasn't even really long enough to call him a boyfriend. It was 6 weeks), I searched out an old flame. This guy was the one. The ONE. The one to which all guys since are compared to. The one who no one could ever live up to. The one who I have felt more strongly about than anyone. Long story short, we became friends again, I told him how I felt... via email. After 3 agonizing days, he replied saying he was sorry he did not feel the same and hoped we could remain friends. Unfortunately, that didn't work out. He was also kinda shy, and never initiated anything. Not just romantically, but anything. He was like that with everyone, he said, not just me. I couldn't handle that as I need my relationships to be somewhat equal. The other person has to make at least some sort of effort. I told him so, and tried to work it out via email. After about 3 back and forth emails from each side, he didn't reply. Broke my freakin' heart. I know it was a no win situation, and I was asking him to be someone he couldn't be, but still, it was harsh. I still think about him to this day, often, and that was 8 years ago. I haven't had a serious crush on anyone since. Oh sure, I've had minor crushes, but nothing that big. That was bigger than a crush, I mean of course it was, I told you he was the one.

Last year I met a guy via an online dating service. We both agreed pretty early on that we were destined to only be friends. Even though that's all I wanted from him, he voiced it first and I felt disappointed. Funny, eh? Well, even the frienship fizzled out as our schedules just didn't coincide. I was working 8-4 and taking 2 evening activities a week. I had no more room for stuff during the week, and he never seemed to be available on the weekend. We just stopped calling each other at the same time. I'm still on that online dating site, but nothing much has come out of it at all.

I'm also one who has never had a lot of male friends. I've had some, but they usually dont' last too long. So, all this to say I'm a little awkward around guys. Ok, now flip back to the present. Despite the fact that this guy isn't a physical god, or a prince charming personality, there is something about him I like. He is a nice, decent, slightly odd, shy, interesting, quirky guy. I hadn't seen him in a few weeks, and someone mentioned he had quit the group. I thought it was too bad, but didn't think much of it really. So last week, I'm out at a café, waiting for another friend and the guy passes by outside. He sees me in the window, and comes in to say hello. I invite him to sit down and we chat for a few minutes until my friend shows up, at which point he excuses himself and leaves. I thought about it for a few days and decided I'd like to get to know him better. So, I emailed him to say it was nice to run into him and asked him if he minded me emailing him since he wasn't part of the group anymore. I also asked if he'd like to go for a coffee after the holidays so we could have a chance to chat, as we didn't get to talk long last week. He emailed me back and said it was nice to run into me too and that I could email him anytime and that he'd like to get together for coffee in the new year to chat a bit more.

So, we'll be meeting up after the holidays. I'm not sure where it's going, or even where I want it to go. I'm not sure if I made a date, or just a friendly meeting. The term "go for coffee" can be so ambiguous!! I guess this is to be continued...

The Good Samaratin Complex

2005-12-04T00:49:00.000-05:00

This is always a tricky subject for me. I'm sure most of you can agree that we, as people with disabilities, want to be treated with respect and as equally as possible. This, for me, means I understand that people get freaked about the fact I'm in a wheelchair, but.. suck it up, people! I understand people looking at something that is different, and not wanting to offend. What I don't understand is people's undeniable need to help. And this regardless of whether I actually need the help or not. I call this the Good Samaratin Complex. The "I really want you to think I'm a good person, and you're a person in need, so I'm going to help you, dammit". They can't hear the part where you say "um, actually, I don't really need, or want your help". I REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REAAAAAAAALLY HATE when people don't freakin' listen to me. I HATE those people who ask if I want help, and when I say no, help anyfreakinway! GRRRRRR!!

How I react in situations like this depends, of course, on my mood that day. Sometimes I can just shrug it off good naturedly. Other times, beware the poor soul who crosses my path! I have never actually set someone down and explained how their actions are actually very partonizing and demeaning, even when meant to be helpful. The truth is these situations make me extremely angry and uncomfortable. I usually end up just looking at them as if they're nuts. If someone asks me if I need help, I usually say no, politely. If they ask me if I need help when it seems pretty clear to me that I don't, that starts to tickle my irritation bone. One of the more obvious ones is when I'm waiting indoors for the Adapted Transport to pick me up. I often have a book with me, but even if I don't, I'm sitting there, looking out the door or window. Many people who go buy will ask me "do you want to go out?". That's when I scowl and say "No" and look at them as if they've just asked me if I have an extra squirt gun they could borrow. I react badly, but not as badly to other forms of the question. There's something about "do you want to go out" that is too close to how we talk to our pets. "Sparky! Want to go out Sparky? Want to go out? Ooooooh, that's a good boy! Let's go out, Sparky, let's go out!". .

What is it about a disabled person doing almost anything, wheeling, walking, looking at something, waiting for someone, reading a book, going to the bathroom, buying something, that makes people want to ask if they need help? Another thing I hate is when people drop what they are doing and run over to where you are to open the door for you, pass you that thing on the store shelf, carry your take-out tray. If someone's right in front of me and going out the door, it's common courteousy to hold the door open for me, and I appreciate that. When someone runs 60 feet to open the door for me, I don't appreciate it. It gives me a wicked sense of pleasure to know that most of the times I get through the door way before they can even reach it. I've also held the door open for people behind me and have been told "I should be doing this for you?" To this, I usually reply something like "I think the honour goes to whoever's first and faster".

I'm really torn most of the time as to whether to accept, educate, or just scowl. Ok, well, scowling is probably not the most productive solution, I admit, but educating every time can just be too draining, and being accepting of a situation that is patronizing makes me feel small and powerless. Remaining angry about it, even if I'm not sharing it, validates to myself that I'm right in at least feeling that this needs work. My mother and my brother just don't get it. They say they'd love to have people open the doors for them and I should just accept it and embrace it.

I've talked to a lot of people with disabilities and found it very interesting, considering my own experience, to hear that others have similar ones regarding family. Family members are often just a clueless, and sometimes more due to denial, as your average Joe out there. But that's a blog for another day. The older I get, I find the more clueless I seem to be about how to deal with this strange world around me. People tell me I am very independent and feel I'm successful despite my disability. Ok, so that's great. Yes, I've done a lot. True. However, there's so much more they don't see, including all the insecurities I have about my own abilities and how others see me. Situations with strangers who pat you on the head, start pushing you without asking, and freely ask you personal questions certainly make it hard for someone to maintain a strong, assured identity. I had this one situation once where it was winter and I was going home from the store. The sidewalks weren't great, so it was slow going, but I was managing, and getting a cardio workout along the way. All of a sudden I am being pushed. My frist instinct was to put my hands on my wheels and block movement. I look around, startled, and say "It's ok, I'm fine". The guy continues to push saying "Oh, I don't mind". I say "I don't need your help, I'm fine". The guy leaves me at that point swearing at me saying "I hope you get stuck in the f***ing snow". Yep. The Good Samaratin Complex. See your doctor immediately.

On your mark, get set, sleep!

2005-11-17T17:43:00.000-05:00

I've been rather lethargic today. I couldn't sleep last night. I feel asleep at 7am this morning, and woke up at 11:30. Not wanting to spend my whole day in bed, I got up. That lasted about 3 hours. I went back to bed around 3 and just woke up again now, at 5pm. I'm not usually one to do that. I hate afternoon naps. They usually end up making me feel worse... groggy and disoriented. Not to mention the fact that it usually screws up my ability to sleep the coming night and starts this cycle. I'm not one who can do a 20 minute power nap, because it usually takes me longer than that to fall asleep in the first place. But every now and then I can't fight that lack of energy lull that pulls me in. Today's relapse was due to a number of things, I'm sure. The first being that it's snowing! This is the first week of snow of the season and it's damn depressing me! I hate, abhorr, detest, despise winter!! It is the purest evil I know. The oncoming of it makes me feel trapped. Last year I was able to get around not too badly for the most part. However there were many days when the sidewalks were not very clear and it was either impossible or hellish. I have tried and tried, in vain, to search the internet for some sort of wheelchair winter glove that would stand up to our harsh winters. I have not had much luck. I find that I go through gloves very fast, and that in order to have as successful a trip out as I can, I need to keep a number of gloves on me. Ski gloves tend to be the most water resistant, but they are bulky and harder to grip the wheel with. Once the seems start to wear out though, game's over. When you're wheeling through snow, it's hard work! Not only is it usually soft, wet, very slushy snow, but you have to grip the wheel very hard to get through it. So you're grinding your hands in slush, basically. This proves to be very tough on gloves, and the water eventually goes right through the seams after a few times out.

I have found good cold weather no/minimal/hard snow and ice gloves. They are at www.sealskinz.com. Some have suggested I wear a pair of these under another bulkier pair of gloves. I find doing that is hard though, because like with any part of your body, the more layers you have on, the harder it is to move, including getting a good grip on the wheel. You'd think it wouldn't be so hard to come up with a good pair of solid, waterproof, warm, winter gloves. Anyone out there want to make some for me?? Some have suggested rubber gloves, but I am allergic to latex, so that's out. I know there are materials out there, like neoprene, that could be good for such a thing. If anyone can shed some light on this, or point me to a link where this kind of glove exists, I'd be forever grateful.

This time of year is a tough time to be out of work, another of my reasons for being lethargic. I have no specific time I need to be up, so I find it harder to get up. I have no specific time I need to go to bed, so I find it harder to go to bed. I know this is not a good pattern to get into, so I will have to try with all my might to get myself out of it before it becomes the norm.

And lastly, I haven't been eating that well, and that is undoubtedly contributing to my lack of energy. I have one friend (the friend I mentioned who is always calling but I never see) who keeps telling me to just enjoy it while I can. Ugh. Don't you just hate people who say that? "Hey, just enjoy it and relax while you can. I'm so busy at work, I'd kill for some time off!". Would they kill to have no income and wait over a month while Unemployment takes its sweet time on deciding whether you qualify for benefits?? Would they kill to have a friend who doesn't recognize they need to see people and keeps calling them instead of seeing them and saying things like "Hey, just enjoy it and relax while you can."?? Ugh.

Meanwhile, on a happy note, I've been planning a trip to Italy with my father in the Spring. I've been once before and fell in LOVE with it. Ok, so I actually fell in love with it before I ever went, but anyway. But now that I'm not getting work and probably won't until at least January, my dad has vocally wondered if it's such a good idea to go now. "What if you get a job before? What if they don't let you go? What if they decide not to hire you because of this trip?". See, he told me a long time ago (just over 7 years to be exact) that we could do a trip, just the 2 of us. Every year he keeps saying "not a good time, maybe next year". I finally pinned him down this summer and got him to commit, so this voiced concern over going ticked me off. On one level I felt he was just trying to get out of it. See, I have a stepmonster involved. They are pretty inseparable. It's annoying. This trip does not involve her. I don't get to see my dad without her very much. When I do, I always have to be the one to say "hey, let's do lunch, just you and I". I'm the kind of person who hates to be the one always to ask others, so often it doesn't get done. Yes, I know.. that's my own stubborn nature talking. But still, it's nice when the other person does their part sometimes. So I was really looking forward to this trip... because it's to Italy, and because I finally get some time with my dad. However, after letting it soak in, he does have a point. I mean heck, I'm in my mid 30s and I'm still trying to get freakin' established in my freakin' career. The smart thing to do would probably be to postpone the trip, but I'm not sure I'm ready to admit that fully yet.

Good thing I'm **** EDIT**** UNemployed (I can't believe I forgot the un.. that changes things quite a bit ;)). I have plenty of time to mull it over. And mull it over. And mull it over. Did I mention mulling it over?

Oh, and on a side note, 3 of my poems have been published recently! Woo hoo!

Call me

2005-10-31T18:48:00.000-05:00

So, I'm out of work for the moment. I'm still employed, but there just aren't any shifts at the moment. So I'm home. All the time. Alone. In this city I moved to a year ago.

Now that I have all this time to myself, I've been thinking. That can be a good thing. That can also be very, very bad.

See, I'm a pretty insecure person. I worry. I worry about everything. I worry when I'm awake, I worry when I'm asleep. I worry when I'm having breakfast, I worry at the gym. I worry everywhere. I worry that I will say the wrong thing. I worry that I've said the wrong thing. I worry that no one will like me. I worry that I'm not good enough. I worry that I don't fit in with non-disabled people, I worry that I don't fit in with disabled folk either. I feel completely and utterly alien much of the time.

Having said that, I'm often amazed that I actually have friends. A couple of them really good friends. But I still worry about them too. I am never secure in the fact that they are indeed good friends. When I was in high school, it was usually me calling them, asking them to do stuff. Most of the time I got the "sorry, I'm busy" response. I have one friend from high school who's stuck for 17 years and counting. That's something. You'd think I'd be able to figure out what is right in that situation and use it in others. Doesn't seem to work that way though. I mean, obviously it has to do with differences in people, etc. You're not going to get along with everyone, much less create intimate bonds with them. But every now and then it happens. Now, I have to say that it's not always me getting shunned by others. I do my fair share of shunning. Many people who come my way just don't interest me for various reasons. They're too needy, boring, egocentric, fake, shallow, angry, whatever. The ironic thing is that I'm needy, angry, possibly a bit egocentric and shallow. Not all the time, but I think we all have these traits in us. I'm no saint, and certainly am far from perfect. I have hangups, character flaws, social ineptness. Lots of them. But ultimately I believe I have the ability to be a good friend, to those who I chose to be a good friend to.

Since I've been out of work, I've been noticing some things. In the 2 1/2 weeks I've been away from work, all contact with colleagues has been cut off. My overanalyzing mind is having a field day with this. Since I moved here, I have made what I feel is quite a bit of effort to get a social life. Now, considering my background of ineptness and self-doubt, it probably felt like more of an effort than it was seen as. I've initiated socializing at least twice with pretty much everyone I want to get to know better here. I've had people over for dinner, I've gone to plays, movies, coffee, museums. What I've found is that, although these people have accepted for the most part, I have gotten very little of that back. With the exception of perhaps 2 of these people, and one of those only very recently, I have not been called, invited, sought out. I am at my wits end. One friend here, who I met almost immediately upon moving here some 1 1/4 years ago, calls me quite frequently and we have great long chats. She has not once initiated meeting and in that time we have only actually met up outside of work twice. I voiced my frustration to her and she said she was just really busy and that she felt phone calls were just as good as seeing the person. I disagree. See, the way I see it is she only calls me when her boyfriend is not home. So, it's not actually making time for me, which is what a friendship does, but rather it is fitting me in to her alone spots. We also email quite frequently and she is very encouraging and supportive of the things I do and the fact that I am out of work and that I find it extremely hard. So now I am unsure as how to proceed. I do not want to lose her as a friend, as my pattern in the past is to just cut people off when I feel there is something wrong in our relationship. But, nor do I want to accept things the way they are. I know I cannot change her, and I have already expressed the way I feel. What is left?

I also have a similar situation with another friend. I've known her for much longer, and she was the only person besides family I knew when I moved here. But she has not made much effort to socialize either. We have done some lunches at work that she has initiated, but now we no longer work together and I rarely see her. She emails me too, frequently, but it is short one or two line sentences. She has only called me when I have called her and left a message. Last month was the first time since I have known her that she has initiated getting together, and that was nice. We went to a play in a neighbouring city. She's had a rough year this year, and I do understand that. The thing is, I just don't fully understand what is not exactly working. Is it that I am overanalyzing? My relationships through time have usually been complicated and tense at times. I can get really close to someone and then something goes wrong. I start to realize they are getting too intense and all we talk about are their problems, or they start backing off from me. The whole notion of being yourself and let things go as they may is a bit foreign to me. Not that I'm not myself, but I'm so completely guarded. And because of all the experiences or lack thereof, that have separated me from my peers, my wholse sense of what is normal is whacky. I worry about things like am I calling too much, what to say, what to suggest to do, does the other person want to see me, what if they see through me. So it festers. And it festers. And then... kaboom! it's gone.

I really would love to get to the point where I can have somewhat stable relationships with people. I'm tired of struggling. I know these things always take work. Nothing is ever easy. But I have a feeling it should be a lot easier than it is.

Travel annoyances

2005-10-26T11:57:00.000-04:00

A few weeks ago, I went on a trip for the weekend. I took the train, as I have done often for short trips. I went with a friend, she was the one who bought the tickets. Now, this friend was planning to buy the tickets from the station near her, which was the next stop from where I planned to get on. When she bought the tickets, she told the ticket agent that her friend was in a wheelchair and requested the wheelchair tie-down spot in first class. This way you can stay in your wheelchair and still pay coach fare. If a person in a wheelchair needs an escort, they travel with you for free. However, I don't need an escort so I assumed we would each get our tickets for normal coach fare. But the agent didn't ask my friend if I needed her to travel, he just I guess assumed I did and didn't charge her for her fare. So naturally, my friend and I split the cost of what she paid, which was one coach fare.

The train ride down was no problem at all, and we had a very nice weekend. However, coming back was a bit more dramatic.

When you're a wheelchair traveller by train, the conducter needs to know where you're getting off so he can call ahead to that station and request the wheelchair lift to get you off the train. Usually when you buy your ticket, this information is transmitted before the trip by the ticket agent. When my friend bought the ticket at her station, the ticket agent put her station on both the tickets as the departure station. My friend explained to him that I'd be getting on the station before. He told her it would be no problem for me to get on at my station even though my ticket said her station.

So on our return trip, the conductor comes around to take our tickets. Now, when you have a person traveling with a wheelchair user, they sit in the seat across from you, which can be turned around since normally it is facing the opposite direction from you. I asked the conductor if he could turn the seat around so my friend could face me. He did. However, a few minutes later another employee came by and told us some other passenger had reserved the seat next to my friend and the seat couldn't be turned around because it was facing the "wrong" way and we had to ask the person traveling if they minded. She immediately made us turn the seat back around. The thing was though, that this other passenger wasn't getting on for another 2 1/2 hours! I started fuming out loud saying that was ridiculous and that I was going to write a letter about it. The first guy who had turned it around for me initially heard me and said they'd turn it around for now and ask the person who was to sit there if she minded facing the wrong direction. The person got on finally and when we asked her, she said not at all. So there was this big hoopla for nothing. But it was handled very, very poorly.

Finally, I got to my destination and stood in the taxi line to get a cab home. Now, in my city they have recently expanded the taxi service with 50 or so wheelchair accessible cabs. This can sometimes be a blessing and a curse. See, I can get out of my chair quite easily. I have a manual, folding wheelchair which can go in the trunk. Many of the regular drives don't want to bother taking a wheelchair now and expect that you have to take the accessible taxis, but you usually have to wait a bit longer for them. So in a way it kinda hinders your freedom a bit instead of expands it.

So it's finally my turn in line and the next cab is not close enough to the curb for me to be able to get in. It is a regular cab. The taxi stand guy asks the cab driver to pull up to the ramped part of the sidewalk. He does so. The minute he gets out of the car though, he asks if my chair folds. I tell him it does, and open the back seat door. He says he's not sure it will fit in his trunk as his trunk is very small. I tell him my chair fits in most car trunks and it shouldn't be a problem. Besides, there are parts I can take off to make it smaller, but I rarely need to do that. He starts muttering under his breath and puts the chair roughly in the trunk, which he does very quickly and easily. It fit fine. When he gets in the car and starts to drive off, he tells me that there are accessible taxis meant for me and that I shouldn't be taking a regular cab. I tell him I am aware of those taxis, but they are not always readily available and you have to wait a bit longer for them. I tell him I can get out of my chair and am entitled to take any cab at a cab stand or hail one on the street and they are required to take me. He is not happy about this at all. He says "well, I can charge you an extra $5 for the trouble then." I get very angry at this point and tell him that under no uncertain terms can he do that and that he must charge me the same price as everyone else. He starts swearing and said "I guess this is my lucky day then". He is visibly angry all the way home.

When we get to my place, I pay him the exact fare with no tip, obviously. He gets my chair out of the trunk and practically throws it on the pavement. He gets back in the cab immediately and does not help me out or hold the chair for me. I don't need his help, but it's the principle of it. I get in my apartment and immediately call to report him. It is midnight and I only get an answering machine, but I'm too incensed to wait until morning. A couple days later an officer calls me back and tells me they'll look into the matter. I have not called back again to find out what happened. I should do that today. The experience shook me. It's not the first time that a taxi driver has not wanted to take me or made a fuss about it. And it's not the first time I've made a complaint. Each time it gets you at your core being. It affects your ability to see yourself as able and equal to the rest of the world around you. And it makes you nervous about hailing a cab the next time.

School's in!

2005-10-19T10:26:00.001-04:00

I came across an interesting article here:

http://www.theage.com.au/news/Opinion/Our-concept-of-disability-is-the-real-problem/2005/06/11/1118347632434.html.

I didn't like the way it was written, but I really liked the points it made. My school experience, like many other people with disabilities, was different from my able-bodies peers. I started school in a school for people with disabilities. Actually, at the time part of the title was "for deaf and crippled children" . Luckily, the name has been modified since then and that part was taken out. The school was designed for people with physical, cognitive, and learning disabilities. There were "normal, able-bodied" children in the school as well. They were called "intergrated" kids. I can only suppose it was designed so that people with and without disabilities could intermingle and become better people as a result. A noble notion. However, there was a major flaw in their plan. The intergrated kids were only allowed to go to this school for one year. Now, because it was a specialized school, you had kids from all over the city there, not just your neighbourhood. I stayed at that school for 3 years before I was deemed "capable" of going to "normal" school. During those 3 years, I made a lot of friends, both disabled and non-disabled. However, only the disabled friends remained for any duration. Once an able-bodied kid was back in their regular school, I never saw them. One of the main factors of this was distance. When you're growing up, you tend to have friends who live in your area. When you live far from your friends, it takes a lot of planning and it is just harder. We kept in phone contact for a while, but I never really saw them after they left. So from the very start, there was this notion of being different and separated from non-disabled people.

After I left that school, I went to another school that was one of the few schools people with disability went. This school had more non-disabled kids than disabled. It was further from my home. All the non-disabled kids lived in the area. I lived about half an hour away. I did make a couple friends at this school, and actually kept in touch with one for some time, but we rarely saw each other. It was odd going from a majority to a minority though. At the first school, the focus was disability, at this one it was much less so. The first school had all my needs met. I had to be more responsible and independent at the second. I really found this hard. It was the first time I really noticed being different. I couldn't run and play with the other kids at recess and lunch, so I just sat on the sidelines and watched. I had been a pretty bubbly, outgoing, smartaleck kinda kid up until now. This school brought out a new, quiet me. Looking back, I actually have fond memories of this school. Fonder than the first. I believe things might have been different if I had gone to this school from the beginning, but who's to say.

That second school only went up to grade 6, so I had to change schools again after that. In grade 7 I went to yet another school, this time much further from my home. Many more disabled kids at this school, but it was a huge school of about 1,500 students, so the smattering of disabled kids hardly made a difference. I really didn't fit into this school at all. I was the only disabled kid in most of my classes. One thing that I thought was really awful about this school was that all disabled kids, whether they had learning disabilities or only physical disabilities, were taken out of certain classes (for me it was religion and geography) to be put into a "special education" class. This class was where a group of disabled kids got to be in the same room while we did our homework and got extra help with things if we needed it. I didn't need it. Yet, I was still put into this class.. for a year and a half. I finally spoke to my dad about this and asked him why I was in this class. He said "I don't know!". He then spoke to the school and I was taken out of this class and put into grade 7 and 8 religion at the same time. It was very odd. I had a friend who liked to push me around on my back wheels. I thought this was fun, but one of the special ed teachers told me that I couldn't do that unless I wore a helmet coz it was too dangerous. A helmet!! I, with only lack of use of my legs.. none to my arms or mental capacity... a helmet!! Unfreakingbelievable!!! Luckily, I was only at this school for 2 years before I moved to my final high school; a private school.

Private school isn't all it's cracked up to be. Looking back, it's so easy to figure out what you should have done or what they should have done, but at the time you don't know. You don't want to be treated differently, you don't want to admit you can't do what others can do, you can't admit your life experiences have been so completely alien to your peers. I had a lot of problems in high school, and they continued in this private school. I had always been a good student in elementary school, I excelled at most subjects except science. That was not the case in high school. My marks plummeted, I failed courses, I stopped trying, didn't do homework. It wasn't a rebellious stage really, it was more like a paralyzed clueless stage. I was so lost by this time that I had no idea how to get out. My personal life or lack thereof was the main focus and anything else paled in comparison and was just not worth focussing on. I really began to feel like I was a misfit, flawed, broken, unlikeable. I should mention at this point too that I missed a lot of school. I was in the hospital so often, mostly for surgeries. I missed half the school year twice in high school, and periods of a month or so at other times. This certainly didn't help me to fit in. When other people were off on their first sleepovers and dates, I was in the hospital. When classmates went off for a Coke after school, I had to catch the 1 1/2 hour bus ride home. I didn't know how I was supposed to act, coz I couldn't relate to what my peers were going through, as they couldn't relate to me. I didn't have their adolescent experience and they didn't have mine. We were like two foreign alien species. Things they took for granted, I never experienced at all.

After high school things got better. I did manage to keep one friend from my last high school, who I still have today. We seem to get closer every year. She's a wonderful person. And I have other friends I've made along the way. My record of keeping friends for a long time is less than stellar though. We end up drifting apart. And that is especially true for men. The great majority of my friends have been women, with a handful of men scattered in along the way. And I never trust that a friend is a true friend. I always worry about our friendship. If I say the wrong thing they'll go away, if they find out the real me, they'll run. So, I'm still learning about that.

My parents brought me up to be as independent as I could be. That is a good thing, but sometimes it goes too far. The fact is I am disabled, and some things I cannot do, and that is okay. I shouldn't be ashamed that parts of me may look different, or that I need help sometimes, or that I am physically and emotionally different from others. I think addressing this as early as possible in a child's life is crucial. A child with a disability needs as much opportunity as possible to be with other children, both disabled AND non-disabled. And sometimes that means that other people have to do things differently to include you. It is not the disabled person's sole responsibility to find where they can fit in the system the way it's already built. Nor should everything adapt to the disabled person. It's give and take. Sometimes it's your turn, sometimes it's not. If it's always your turn, or never your turn, that just can't work.

Special ed. needs to die. It's old, archaic, and doesn't work for anyone but the people teaching it, as it's much easier to lump people together as you see fit and deal with them as one entity. We need more focus on staying in the classroom with your peers. Classrooms need to adapt to all the changing needs of students. It doesn't make economic or social sense to have a different classroom for able-bodied, disabled, learning disabled, ADHD, blind, deaf, behaviour challenged kids. We all have to live in this same world together once the schoolbell rings anyway.

Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeellllp!!

2005-10-17T12:12:00.001-04:00

I recently moved to a new city for a job. Since I was new to the city, I obviously didn't know the city bus routes very well, so I got myself hooked up to the adapted transport right away and used that through the winter. When the weather started getting nicer, and the snow started disappearing, I decided to look more into the city bus routes, and found that a lot of the city buses were wheelchair accessible. There was one bus that would go almost directly from my house to my place of work.

There was a problem, however. Directly outside my place of work was a bus stop that had no ramp to get on the curb, so I couldn't get to it. I had to go to the next bus stop, a block or so away. Now this posed a problem because all my colleagues waited at the closer bus stop which I couldn't get to without help. For 4 months I waited at my bus stop, and got on the bus after they were already on and seated, usually in the back. Sometimes I would go down to the bus stop with them and they would help me onto the sidewalk, but this made me feel extremely awkward. I consider myself friends with one of them, but not so much the others. I really hate to ask for help as I feel I'm inconveniencing others. The curb is rather high and so it's awkward to get me up onto it. Also, when on the bus, they can't always find a place to sit near where I have to be, so they end up standing, which again makes me feel awkward.

Most of the time we didn't leave together, as our offices are not all together (well, theirs' are, mine wasn't near theirs) so I would go by myself to the other bus stop. When I saw that they were on and sitting together near the back, I couldn't help but feel left out, although I know it wasn't their intention. It really bothered me that I couldn't just get to and sit wherever I wanted. For a couple weeks I was replacing someone who was away on vacation. Their office was located near the others'. Since they were not used to going with me to the bus, they would all leave together still and I would go to my bus stop as usual. This really started to bother me coz I was right there when they left. I finally decided to speak to my friend and asked her if she would mind if I came with them. She said no, of course not and that she'd see if I were ready on her way out. She said it was good I brought it to her attention coz sometimes when you don't have to deal with something, you don't notice it. I felt much better about this, you wouldn't believe how it was bothering me. I had trouble sleeping coz I didn't know how to deal with this. I felt that it would be too imposing to include myself when it meant they had to help me. Anyway, it turned out very well and I included myself sometimes, and they included me other times. Sometimes I had to stay later, or they did, and we didn't go at the same time, and that was fine.

During this time I decided to try and see if I could get a ramp put onto that curb corner. It took a while to finally get in touch with the guy in charge of that, and when I finally spoke with him he said "It is accessible". I said "no, it's not". He said "yes, it is". After going on like that for a while, he pulled out a map and showed me where it was accessible. It WAS accessible!! However, the way to get there was a little roundabout, so it was something that neither I, nor my colleagues, had noticed. So finally, I was able to go down on my own and just show up at the stop! After 4 months of worrying, planning, asking help of others, etc...!!! The ironic thing is that now that that happened, work is slow and my coverage is not needed for the time being, and in a month or so I'll have to start taking adapted transport again due to the snow, but at least if I'm ever there for a long period of time or get a permanent position, I'll know I can take the bus!

Anyone ever have that kind of experience? It's so hard to explain it to someone who hasn't been through something similar. It may sound small, but it's such a huge issue. Just consider that wheelchair users often have to use back doors, sit with only one companion so you can't go to a concert with a group, sit separated from your companion, have poor or no choice of where to sit, be excluded from certain activities because of lack of access (like being invited to people's houses because they have steps), face ignorance, stupidity, prejudice, ableism, have people not consider you a potential romantic partner, wife, mother, assume you can't have kids, can't travel, hold jobs, be educated, get around. I am used to my life and I am pretty independent. I do pretty much everything myself, but I can't do it all. Yet I still face all these things and that is the hardest thing of all. I have a friend who is also disabled and she is big on philosophy and social policy. She said to me once "you're not disabled, it's the world around you that is disabled." It took me a while to get my head around that, but she is right. It is the sidewalk that is disabled for not having the ramp. It is not I who should adapt to my environment, the environment needs to adapt for me and others with disabilities and abilities and differences in general. This relates to all sorts of differences; people who are too short, too tall, don't speak the official languages, don't speak at all. All sorts. But I, as many other people with disabilities, have been brought up to believe that it is I who must adapt to the able-bodied world. And it leaves me with a humungous burden and feeling of inadequacy. I must be flawed, broken, unwanted because I can't do things the way others do and I must always remind others that things must be done differently because I am there.

Don't go out alone at night, dear!

2005-10-16T12:22:00.000-04:00

So two nights ago, I was out with my mother, my brother, and my mom's aunt and cousin who I hadn't seen in about twenty years. We went to dinner and finished about 8:00. We walked from the restaurant to my apartment building afterwards. I have to enter my building from the back door, which is in a large parking lot, because the front entrance has a step. It is now 8:30 and dark, but still what I consider very early. My mother, who is always overprotective, and likes to make a good impression on those around her, says we'll walk up the back street with you. From the street to my building's back door, is still a ways, because you have to go through the parking lot. I stopped when we got to the parking lot and said "this is me". Everyone's standing around talking. My mom says to me quietly "She wants us to wait until you get in". I said my goodbyes and head on in, not looking back, although I can hear them calling me to say goodnight as I got to the door. I was so angry!! I felt completely infantalized. Many would say that I'm overreacting, but when you get things like this ALL the time, it wears you down. Grrrrr!!